Bed, Bath & Bombardment

Ever since I discovered that Bed, Bath & Beyond takes expired coupons, I started hoarding them because I can't believe how much stuff I need from that store. Really important stuff.

Like I didn't realize that without a DVD of an actual fire in a fireplace, I could not get through the winter. And even though we don't have a winter here in LA, you never know when it's going to dip down into the 50's and I'm going to want to curl up in front of my fire with an ice cold glass of lemonade.

I once had a friend over and I had the 'fire' going. After about an hour he turned to me and said, "Isn't it kinda hot in here?" I said I didn't think so and he pointed to the TV and said, "I'm telling you, it's that DVD, it's warming up the whole place." Hey, I didn't say he was one of my smartest friends, ok? I also was not aware that I could scoop avocado out of the skin with a utensil made just for that. All this time I've been using a spoon. Like some common redneck.

I have gotten some really kick ass things from BB&B. A Calphalon pot for my world-class chili, (secret ingredient is beer) a paper towel holder that holds down the towels so that when you rip one off, it's a perfect cut, every time. A hands-free automatic can opener that doesn't leave sharp edges. You can turn this baby on and leave the room and it opens the can while you do important things like yell at your neighbors for playing electronic music and offending the senses. I also got a 4 slot toaster that has dual controls for each side. And a huge drum of Oxi Clean for $9.99? Where else are you going to find that deal?

Apropos of that Oxi Clean, I kept it on the floor in the back seat of my car because it was so heavy that I kept putting off taking it upstairs. I park underground and have 20 million steps up to the pool area and then another 40 trillion steps up to my apartment. Eventually I had to valet my car somewhere and I decided to put the drum of Oxi Clean in the trunk so I wouldn't be mistaken for a housekeeper. And if you're a housekeeper, please don't write me. I'm an equal opportunity hater so it's just the luck of the draw that your profession came up this week. Next week I'm taking down lawyers. See how this works?

But I forgot I put it in my trunk. Then McLoserstene and I went somewhere and when we got out of my car I looked in the back.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit."
"What's the matter?"
"It's gone, it's just...gone."
"What's gone?"
"Those fucking valets will steal anything these days."
"WHAT IS MISSING?" she shouted at me. I ignored her and rushed to check my trunk.
"Never mind, it's in the trunk."
"WHAT WAS MISSING?"
"My Oxi Clean."

After she stopped laughing, which, p.s., took a very long time, she looked at me and said, "I thought you had lost your ovaries or your diamond shirt or something really important and it was your OXI CLEAN?"

I really think that's the first sign of aging. You freak out when your cleaning products are missing.

End of chat.