Let's Play Doctor

They're sure I have a bone spur but not totally convinced that is what's causing the pain. I have to get an MRI next Monday. Then I'll probably have to be shot out of a cannon to see if velocity+steel=what's wrong with my ankle.

I'm not a fan of doctors. Most have a shitty bedside manner and an even greater proportion can never agree on what's wrong with you. I always put on waterproof mascara before any appointment because like Barbara Walters, they will make me cry by saying that my obsicorium has rotted away and needs to be replaced with an Olivetti typewriter ribbon. Sometimes I meet a doctor at a party and start to tear up before I realize I'm not reclining on a table with a waxy piece of paper stuck to my ass.

When I went for x-rays, the lab technician put a lead protective pad over my reproductive region.

Ew.

I at first thought he was blind in one eye but I finally figured it out and thought how bad is all this radiation that they cover that area of the body as opposed to say, the brain?

Every room had a female patient in it. Woman after woman after woman traipsed up and down the clinic hallway. In an hour I saw only one man. As I was checking out I asked my doctor why there were so many women in his clinic. Was it our 4 inch heels with pointy toes? And he answered that it was because he was so good looking that women flocked to see him.

Sidebar: This is why I love LA. No matter what you do, what you look like is paramount on the agenda and can elicit a laugh. Save the comments; I'm shallow but I'm aware of it.

My doctor finally admitted that the only reason there were so many women and so few men was because men wait until the last minute, usually when it's too late, to see a doctor. I am SO half man.

So it might come down to surgery and it's times like this that I wish I was a celebrity. I've always said that the only airplane on which I would feel totally safe is Air Force One with Oprah on board.

When Alan Alda got a life-threatening bacterial infection he was in South America, in a very remote village. When he finally recovered and was back in the U.S. he was asked if he was afraid that the doctors in that part of the world would screw up and he replied, "Are you kidding? Be the guy who killed Hawkeye?"

End of chat.