1. We never laugh at anything.
2. Because we can see the punch line coming from a mile away.
3. Unless it’s from a fellow comic who we admire.
4. And there aren’t a lot of comics we admire.
5. Practically none at all.
6. Maybe 4.
7. 3 of whom are dead.
8. Friends have a compulsion to email us 'funny' stuff.
9. If you’re one of these friends, please stop.
10. People tell us jokes and say ‘you can use that if you want.’ If the joke belongs to someone else, someone who actually wrote it, no, we can’t use it.
12. Female comics are not called ComiDIENNES.
13. We're just called comics.
14. Or bitch.
15. If a book says it's "Laugh out loud funny."
16. We know it's going to suck.
17. If a movie is called a Comedy,
18. People need to open a dictionary and look up the meaning of that word.
19. Socially we are duds.
20. We're not funny at a cocktail party and if asked what we do for a living and say ‘stand up comic’, people will inhale sharply.
21. We use that moment to steal hors d'oeuvres from their plates.
22. And we don’t care.
23. About your job, your family or your new shoes because in our head we’re writing a joke about your job, your family or your news shoes.
24. And it will be funny.
25. Because that’s what we do.