Monday, July 30, 2007

25 Things You Didn't Know About A Standup Comic

1. We never laugh at anything.
2. Because we can see the punch line coming from a mile away.
3. Unless it’s from a fellow comic who we admire.
4. And there aren’t a lot of comics we admire.
5. Practically none at all.
6. Maybe 4.
7. 3 of whom are dead.
8. Friends have a compulsion to email us 'funny' stuff.
9. If you’re one of these friends, please stop.
10. People tell us jokes and say ‘you can use that if you want.’ If the joke belongs to someone else, someone who actually wrote it, no, we can’t use it.
11. Ever.
12. Female comics are not called ComiDIENNES.
13. We're just called comics.
14. Or bitch.
15. If a book says it's "Laugh out loud funny."
16. We know it's going to suck.
17. If a movie is called a Comedy,
18. People need to open a dictionary and look up the meaning of that word.
19. Socially we are duds.
20. We're not funny at a cocktail party and if asked what we do for a living and say ‘stand up comic’, people will inhale sharply.
21. We use that moment to steal hors d'oeuvres from their plates.
22. And we don’t care.
23. About your job, your family or your new shoes because in our head we’re writing a joke about your job, your family or your news shoes.
24. And it will be funny.
25. Because that’s what we do.


  1. Anonymous1:29 PM

    Martha Jane

  2. Ah, the comics start to weigh in.

  3. Anonymous1:38 PM

    just to add a thing or two:

    we laugh hard when comics we know eat it.

    okay, just one thing. maybe something else later.

    dave little

  4. And we also laugh hard at comics we know will eat it but the audience has no clue about.

    Me likey this game.

  5. In 1978, at Garvins in DC (flashback, anyone?) I was standing with Jay Leno in the back of the room, watching his opening act, Bill Maher.

    I turned to Jay and asked, "How come you're not laughing?"

    He said, "Are you a comic?"

    "Not yet, but I want to be."

    As if he were revealing a secret better left unsaid, he said, "When you become one, then you'll understand."

    6 years later, I understood.

  6. SOME of us are socially awkward. Most of us, even the ones I don't like are better company than the majority of civilians.

  7. surcie2:00 PM

    This is great--I bet all your comic friends would love it. Do people really try to give you material? The nerve! (You know, people do that with my husband, the minister, a the time, which I find really bizarre.)

  8. Mike Dugan2:01 PM

    Suzy - this is great. But kinda dry and smarmy. Are you sure you wrote it?

    And Holy Cow, Steve Sashen ... how's it hangin'?

  9. Sashen, great story. It explains why we don't laugh at Leno anymore.

    DiMag, I agree with you but socially, you're not inept. And oh yes. Shave.

    Surcie, if they've giving a pastor material then standup have no shot at all....

  10. Dugan, just forwarded your comment to Sashen. He invented Scriptware. I think it's all hanging just fine on his end. Although I haven't seen it. Hang.

    And no, I didn't write the post, I stole it from the Mind Of MENCIA.

  11. Anonymous2:12 PM

    Lou D!!!! U DA Man! Very funny!

    ronnie Del Shannon, Delsner, Rodel, RD, Dizzel, Rondo, Ron, Sheridan,

  12. Anonymous2:14 PM

    Oh yeah Suzs very funny. I think I will get that Tatooed on my assk so any woman I date can know in advance whats she's getting into.

    ronnie Del Shannon, Delsner, Rodel, RD, Dizzel, Rondo, Ron, Sheridan,

  13. Dude, we did the nickname post back in May. Is this your way of saying you don't read me on a regular basis?

    Cuz then I wilz kilz you.

  14. I have to put all of this on my door, so no one will ask me ever again.

  15. Anonymous4:47 PM

    a corporate event is never as bad as we envision it will be, but there are times when it comes fucking close.

    you can learn how to tell a joke but you can't learn how to be funny. it's important to know the difference.

    dave little

  16. Most of the people in my family are sarcastic.

    Iwas robbed.


  17. 3 of whom are dead.

    I find the dead ones the funniest.

  18. That reminds me, I found a list of Top 10 Things You Should Know About Stand-Up Comics somewhere. I'll email it to you. It's HILARIOUS. You can use it if you want.

  19. It's HILARIOUS. You can use it if you want.

    Diesel, send it to Mencia.

  20. Anonymous7:35 PM

    we're not better than people, just different. in a good way.

    if the audience doesn't think it's funny, that doesn't necessarily mean it isn't funny. but it could mean that.

    dave little

  21. Dave, what do audiences know? They're drunk.

  22. allen enlow6:53 AM

    Now I know why I have that safer career of acting to fall back on...huh?
    What is that sadistic side that makes us laugh at fellow comics dying.

    "Back in the day" I watched Larry David eat it nightly at the Improv. I would be barking with laughter over the heads of the unsuspecting single table being ripped into by Larry. He was a little different though. He made himself die as all it took to provoke him was for a customer to move a glass too loud and Larry was off and running. And no stock heckler comebacks either. True paranoic wrath came spewing out and FUNNY AS HELL. Then he'd exit in a huff.

    In the bar one night I witnessed the EMCEE (Mike Rowe?) glance at his watch and say," Larry's been on for five minutes now. Isn't it about time for him to storm off stage?"

    Tortured genius.

  23. Anonymous6:57 AM

    Suzy, sometimes they're not drunk. They're just stupid. Or they're just not smart. Or a combination of both.

    dave little

  24. tommy james6:58 AM

    From Suzy's list
    15. We're not funny at a cocktail party and if asked what we do for a living and say ‘stand up comic’, people will inhale sharply.

    My addendum
    15B. And if we are trying to be "funny" at cocktail parties, always on, or drawing attention... 99.9% of the time that means we're not funny comics, but rather compensating.

    15C. Though all bets are off if it's a party attended exclusively by comics with no civilians or common folk.

  25. Geez - not sure if I should leave a comment, being as I don't do stand up and feel out of place amongst all of this banter. However, Martini Mom sent me over. She said you were funny. Yes. She was right.