More Old Stuff

I found this picture among my Dad's things after he died. I'd never seen it before and instantly fell in love with it. The glasses! The dresses! I picture them sitting on that custom made couch or in those theatre seats in my last post. The bride's name was Betty but I have no idea what the names of the bridesmaids were. Are they all still alive? Did they have happy lives?

The Couch I Wish I Owned

This is a custom made reproduction 1950's era couch. It's sitting in the lounging area of the Nordstrom's women's department at the Glendale Galleria. If I could have stuffed it into my purse I would've made off with it. Because I believe in stealing beauty. Which is why I have Angelina Jolie locked in my bathroom.

I like old stuff. It reminds me of people I've never met and a time I've never known and how interesting it all must have been.

These original theater seats, for example. I bought them at the Pasadena Flea Market in 2002 for $300. Underneath one of them is a wire rack that was made expressly for gentlemen to stow their brimmed hats when they went to the movies. So they wouldn't block the view of the people sitting in back of them. Because apparently people were more polite back then. And probably didn't annoy others by talking on their cell phones even though they didn't exist. The cell phones, not the people.

I spent years searching for a 1950's era TV. There was a thrift shop in LA that sold them but every time I went in to ask for one, the man who owned the place laughed and said they spent about 6 seconds in the shop before they were sold. He put me on a waiting list. 16 years ago. He still hasn't called me.

My dad lived in St. Petersburg, Florida and died in 2001. I spent a lot of time there trying to get his estate in order (it eventually took me 3 years) (fuck). On one trip I found this beauty for $75.00. I was shocked because the price for a 1950's era TV starts at $500. Starts.

By the time I got back to the shop with my Dad's car, the owner had returned and was FURIOUS that his sales guy, a kid about 19 years old, had let the TV go for so little. I played dumb when the owner asked me if I was aware of how much these televisions normally went for. Fortunately for me I'm very good at playing dumb. I'm not only blonde but I have a Bachelor's Degree in Theater. This might have been the only time it came in handy. Sorry Mom and Dad.

I can't tell you how many times I patted myself on the back for scoring a $500 TV for $75.

I'd get up in the morning, look in the mirror and say, "Good morning, genius." And also, "Good morning Angelina, breakfast will be right out."

To crate and ship the TV across country cost me $500.

L.A Sign Of The Times #94

Mom and our Greek waiter at our favorite Greek restaurant in Los Angeles, Ulysses Voyage.

Farmer's Market, Los Angeles November 27, 2011

And The Bound And Gagged Winner Is...

...Two Normal Moms!!



Please send me your snail mail so Nancy can sign and get the book out to you today!!

Congratulations and to everyone else, remember the book is available on Amazon.

College Bound And Gagged

My dear friend, Nancy Berk, a PhD and comedian, wrote this very funny book to help all you people who, instead of actively looking for colleges for your kids, are sitting in a corner sucking on your gin-soaked thumbs. Bravo. Your daughter is going to Mom's Couch College and your son will be accepted at Living In My Parent's Garage University.

I'm hosting a giveaway of this must-have book for parents of aging teenagers.

Sidebar: I would give away my jewelry collection to be called an aging teenager JUST ONE MORE TIME. Thanks, God.

So leave me a comment and you'll be eligible to receive this book for FREE. If you're not a winner, you can go to the link above and buy it off Amazon. But Free is better. At least that's what people tell me.

One of the best tips in the book is "Your child is going to college, not you, so don't make choices for them that are secretly your own."

Nancy also includes money saving tips and great chapter titles like You're Grounded. One of my favorite quotes from the book:

I've never understood why the cotton gin always gets tagged "best invention" and the dining room table is never nominated.

Anyone can leave a comment, tell all your friends!! and I'll pick a winner by Monday December 12th. Nancy will send out your book and it will arrive in time for Christmas!!

I Don't Know Where She Got This But You Can Contact Her And Ask Her

One of my twitter followers, a mom named Rachael, has been sending me New York Times bestsellers for the last few months. I've been incredibly lucky to have a friend like her because based on my past "issues", buying bestsellers is out of the question. And I haven't resorted to stealing yet but next year is a new year! Watch out Barnes and Noble!

The scan of this card she sent along with the latest book, The Jacqueline Kennedy interviews with Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. PLUS ALL THE AUDIO TAPES, doesn't even do it justice because the words Blog are all in bright silver and the I'm More Interesting On My is in black and the Blog is red, but a bolder red than my HP scanner could pick up. I guess HP doesn't have enough money to color correct. Poor things.

Rachael holds regular pity parties on her blog but they're not like my pity parties. Or probably yours.

If you want to know where she got this card go to Rachael's blog and ask her! And follow her on Twitter at @happyrachael.

I was a reluctant Twitter convert but have now been on it for TWO YEARS. (thanks to this person) I can't say enough about how it's changed my life. Much more than blogging.

And now I'm on Google+, Facebook, LinkedIn, Tumblr and favstar.fm.

The nightmare never ends.

25 Things You Didn't Know About Me

1. I've never been to a costume party and if you go to them it's doubtful we'll ever be friends.

2. I have a titanium bar in my back and no it's not stocked with alcohol.

3. My favorite movie is Pillow Talk with Doris Day and Rock Hudson.

4. I left home when I was 17 but would have left earlier if my parents weren't such MEAN ASSHOLES.

5. My best friend is gay and we've been estranged 3 times yet always wander back into each other's lives. It goes without saying that we're both very stubborn.

6. I speak and read French yet got D's in French in high school and my first year of college. As you can imagine this went over very well with my mother, who's French, and my father, who was Hitler.

7. I've been engaged 3 times but was only in love once and not to any of the men I was engaged to.

8. I prefer going to the movies by myself. Although I used to put my Yorkie in my purse and take him along. Mainly because he didn't talk during the movie.

9. I have one sister and have had 4 stepbrothers and 1 stepsister.

10. There are only 2 people who make me laugh. One is my friend Jane in New York and one is my sister.

11. If I can come up with 25 things for this list I'll be amazed.

12. I never had any female friends who didn't work until I met bloggers.

13. I don't like diamonds.

14. All of my dishes are black and white but in different patterns.

15. Number 14 is kind of dumb for a list of 25 things you didn't know about me. I mean seriously, who cares what kind of dishes I have?

16. I believe in reincarnation.

17. I can't believe some bloggers make a '100 Things You Didn't Know About Me' TAB.

18. I love to travel. The more exotic the place, the better.

19. I never wanted my own children but dated 4 men who had kids. And I loved them all. The kids, I mean.

20. I've been performing since I was 14 and performing professionally since I was 15.

21. My favorite activity is getting into bed and reading. This explains why I have no boyfriend.

22. Don't ask me for my opinion because I'll tell you the truth.

23. I'm a member of SAG and AFTRA.

24. I have terrible taste in men. If there's an asshole on the loose, I'll find him.

25. I'm a great cook.

BONUS 26. After bitching and moaning I'm now on Facebook.

WTF Obama?

Last night in Burbank I met Private Ochenkoski and Private Norton. Both are 24 years old.

And Pfc Winn and Pfc Rojas, both 18 years old.

Only Pfc Rojas isn't going because he's in the National Guard.

The other three are being deployed to Afghanistan.

I told Private Ochenkoski I thought all the troops were coming home and he answered in a one word sentence.

"No."

I shook their hands, thanked them for their service.

I've entertained boys like them in Germany, Holland, Bosnia, Macedonia, Johnston Atoll, Japan and South Korea.

I only broke down once, in Germany. A long line of soldiers paraded by our autograph table. I was with comedians Kivi Rogers and Carl Banks on that tour. We signed programs and spoke to each man and finally, one very young boy at the end of the line said to me, "Can you write on this that you hope we stay safe?"

I nodded and signed and after that fought hard to hold back tears but didn't entirely succeed. I turned my head to the side so no one would see but a reporter for the military newspaper Stars and Stripes did and walked over to me.

"You okay?"

"I will be. It's just that these boys...these boys break my heart."

Why Does Everyone Look Better Than Me?

I'm always happy when I get an email from someone who wants to buy a tee shirt. Especially a person I didn't force to buy one, like most of the other people who bought them under duress.

This is Tricia, also known as Sassy Pants Momma.  She has the funniest tag line of any blog I've ever read. 

The most annoying thing about this tee shirt is that it looks good on everyone but me. It even looks better on the assorted dogs, Elmo's and mannequins that people have sent in. I'd like to say it's because my enormous rack stretches it out and makes me look like I have porn star 44 GG's but having seen some of the racks under some of these Teeshirters, that's a lie. Not that I've actually seen these racks in the flesh. Purely over the shirt speculation when I drive by their homes and look inside with my binoculars.

I forgot where that sentence was going and should call out a search party on it.

Tricia's up on my sidebar where she will stay until someone else sends in a picture of them wearing it JUGGLING JENN I'M TALKING TO YOU. I hope you have a good book, Tricia, you're going to be there for a while.

If Everyone Loves Something, I'll Hate It

I don't like trendy things. When everyone lost their virginity at an early age? I didn't. When everyone started getting tattoos, I didn't. When everyone started wearing black fingernail polish, I didn't.

So I certainly can't get behind any of these things:

MODERN FAMILY:

Like Ed O'Neil could get a Sofia Vergara in any lifetime.



SOUP

If I wanted hot liquid with no porkchops in it I'd stand under the shower and open my mouth.

JOHNNY DEPP

Enough already with the Pirates movies. And stop pushing your hair out of your eyes every 20 seconds. That's from the Jennifer Aniston School of Acting. That's not a compliment.



PLATES ON A WALL

For the love of God, Grandma, go to Ikea and buy a 20 dollar print.


IKEA

Besides being unable to navigate the store in less than 3 months, if you look at their furniture under a microscope you see little Swedish people pointing and laughing at you because you can't afford expensive stuff.

THE SIMPSONS

People have suggested I came too late to the Simpsons party and that it was better in the beginning. The beginning of what? The end of time?



End of chat.

Suzy And Neal Mayhem, Sitting In A Tree

If you missed the live broadcast of Minutes of Mayhem from the U.K. on Friday October 21, then you missed my interview. So here it is, I come in at the final half hour because you always save the best for last. Or because that's all the time you have left.

http://minutes-of-mayhem.com/podcastepisodes/

Look how cute Neal is:

I met Neal on Twitter, when he made a particularly brilliant joke on the day Steve Jobs died. "More Jobs lost on Obama's watch" was the tweet and some of his fans thought it was "too soon." If you're a comedian or a joke writer on in any aspect of the comedy business, you know there's no such thing as too soon in comedy. Funny is funny.

So I tweeted him that I thought it was hilarious and we began a conversation that culminated on me being on his show, where we discussed Astroglide, the Rapture and Michael Richards being a dick. From the moment we first spoke on DM's to the show? Two weeks.

The power of Twitter.

L.A. Sign Of The Times #93