Thursday, December 23, 2010

The 11th Day Of Christmas

This is the first - and last - Christmas tree I ever bought. I vaguely remember buying a box of blue ornaments and some tinsel. I have no idea where the angel on top of the tree came from. I do remember the day I threw it out.

I must have been very proud of my efforts because I invited people over.

The girl on the left is Celeste. She and I waited tables together at Hobeaus, a fish restaurant in NY that served dead lobsters along with live ones in a two for one sale. Only no one knew about the one dead lobster. Beware of all two for one sales.

The guy next to her is Chris. He and I went to the same university in Paris and his father was the German Ambassador to France. His brother Karl de-virginized me. And broke my heart in a million pieces. Chris now lives in Berlin and is a very successful psychoanalyst. I hope Karl is his patient and discusses how he should be forever punished for breaking my heart. Their mother made me get on birth control pills.

The guy who appears to be leaning into my boobs? I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT IS.

I had Christmas trees growing up, of course, but my parents never mentioned the downside to owning one and it's just one more thing I get to blame them for in therapy. Those things leak needles. I found them years later, hiding in the cracks of wooden floor boards, in the cushions of my couch and in my cereal.

When I moved to L.A. 13 years later, I found some under one of my rugs.


  1. Nice boobs. And your breasts look good too.

  2. Anonymous11:27 AM

    I love it that you don't know who he is. Is he asleep? Passed out? Mesmerized by your cleavage?

    We always had real trees when I was a kid. I learned the hard way as an adult. Those things aren't worth all the trouble. I can get in the Christmas spirit just as easily with a fake pre-lit Martha Stewart tree.

  3. That is the smallest key party I've ever seen.

  4. that perfume must have been a knockout...

  5. Cracks me up: "The guy leaning into my boobs? I have no idea who that is."


  6. I think Chris knows him. He's trying to signal us that the guy is dead.

    Actually, the guy was part of the buy one get one free deal offered by the tree salesman.

  7. Unlike your friend, it seems you bypassed the poodle perm rage.

  8. Thats why I gave up real trees for fake ones. The tradeoff is now I have to snort pine sol for the same effect.

  9. boot boy's a loser... NObody wore crappy boots like that! :P lol

    karl needs analysis way beyond his lifetime... treating you like a masturbation toy! GRRRRRRRR

    christmas blessings to you and yours, m'dear :x

  10. that bastard karl. hate him for doing that to you.

  11. I'd lean into your boobs.
    The needles? Just shows your excellent cleaning abilities.

  12. See, the advantage to getting a tree *every* year is that you get to pretend that the pine needles you find in July are from the prior Christmas, not the Christmas **13 years ago**!!