Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Why I Can't Do Drugs

I am not a pothead.

My friend Phil is. Phil always had pot. I’m not sure he always had rent but he always had pot.

Back in the late 80’s David Byrne was appearing in Central Park. He had gone solo after being the lead singer of Talking Heads. He wanted to be Sting. After a few songs it was clear Byrne should have kept his day band.

Even without the Heads my friends and I were huge fans so we went to the Band Shell in the park to see him.

It was summer and the heat was so blistering that after a while my friends and I drifted off to a corner of the park where there was shade and seats.

Phil passed around a ceramic cigarette filled with weed. Those things looked real and a cop would have had to look though a magnifying glass to tell if it was fake or not. I took one hit. Because Peer Pressure is my middle name.

One hit and my shoulders fell off.

I took off my clip-on Chanel earrings and put them in my purse. I knew something was coming that was not going to be good for the House of Chanel.

I looked at my friends, all who had smoked with me and looked fine. Or maybe I'd gone blind?

“Phil, what’s in this pot?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t fuck with me, there’s something else in here, PCP maybe?”
“Nothing Soro, relax.”
“Heroin?”
Nothing.”

I stood up and then sat back down immediately. I was so high God was seated on my left.

“Phil, I think I’m going to pass out.”

I was going to black out in Central Park. Where I would be tagged by graffiti artists, bashed on the head by homophobes and then raped by an Irish gang. Phil suddenly yanked me to my feet.

“You’re walking this off.”

In what alternate universe can you walk off marijuana? Going back and forth to the refrigerator, MAYBE. But suddenly I was in a conga line with my friends marching single file through the crowds in Central Park and feeling worse and worse.

“Phil, I’m going to black out.”
“Keep walking.”
“Seriously, Phil, I’m not going to make it.”
“Yes you are, just keep walking.”
“Look, there’s a cop, let’s stop him and ask for help. Oh shit, the cop just passed us and he could have helped me! He could have taken me to the hospital.”
“We’ll find another one.”
“Phil, everything’s turning yellow.”
“Soro, I’m Chinese, of course you’re seeing yellow.”

At the time that actually made sense to me.

“Oh my God, everything’s turning white; I’m going down.” And with that Phil jerked me forward and as quickly as the bad crazy thing had descended upon me, it cleared. I stopped walking. I was okay.

“Holy crap,” Phil said.
“Tell me about it.”
“How scary was that?”
“Very, very scary. I could have DIED.”
“Not that,” he said, “you wanted to stop a cop and ask him to help your stoned, sorry ass.”
“Yeah and you didn’t even listen to …….oh.”

Everyone started laughing. Fucking drug addict friends.

I blame David Byrne. Although he is totally my husband.

23 comments:

  1. Bwhahaa - 'you're turning yellow'. 'No,everything's white, I'm going down'..

    I can't do any of that stuff either - I'm funnier without it.

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  2. Oh, I knew chicks like you!!!

    They'd have one hit and their eyes would roll up like they were entering a diabetic coma.

    Lightweight. They didn't call me dragonlungs for nothin' (it's not bragging if it's real..)

    Hilarious stoner story. Stoner stories are the best. I miss hearing them..where I live, they gossip if you're seen mowing your lawn on a Sunday afternoon.

    Hence, my visits here: can't get enough of you.

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  3. I'm here for the lightweight meeting.

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  4. What Vodka Mom said. I once actually did make MathMan take me to the hospital. When we got there I thought some EMTs were cops and almost freaked out. Then they hooked me up to a heart monitor for a few minutes, but then didn't tell me when they were getting ready to shut it off. I looked at it just as it flatlined before blinking off. That's when I really freaked out. I was pretty boisterous for a dead person.

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  5. -->Stoner stories are THE BEST especially when you ARE Stoned...(so I hear)

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  6. "We'll find another one." Phil wins. See, that's why I hate being designated driver or the watchman for mushroom eaters. It's hard, thankless work.

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  7. I'm trying to figure out why my work filter lets me come here, but not to "A Slice of Life"--she never posts stoner stories!

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  8. An almost blackout in Central Park? I can beat that. I was in the shower! (With a friend :D) "Are you ok?" Me, "yes I'm fine". Two minutes later, me, "I'm not fine". I get out of the tub and sit on the loo for a few minutes, then lunge to the bed in the next room, not even toweling off. I get under the covers and just lay there. I didn't blackout, but came very close. I did a little reading on the net after. "They" say that happens when you have low blood sugar and that chocolate helps. (Who are "they" anyway?") As for me...any excuse to indulge in chocolate! Lesson learned, never try to keep up with a stoner.

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  9. I am sitting here laughing my ass off. Great story!

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  10. "I was so high, God was on my left." Anybody ever told you how funny you are??

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  11. Sounds like Phil had some really kind bud. (You da man, Phil!) Because no one ever gets high from just one hit. Unless they inhale. Oh, well, Suzy. There goes your bid for the presidency.

    BTW, happy you weren't the first person in the history of the world to die from smoking pot. LOL!

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  12. I believe the Mary potency can go from no big deal to I'm going to die. It's a plant, after all. Probably depends on every aspect of how it's grown as to what it does to you.

    Think of all the money you've saved!

    Casey

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  13. I wonder what it would be like to sit in your lobby stoned? Do you suppose the tin lizard would climb off the wall and release the guinea pigs?
    X David

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  14. You are supposed to 'Eat it off', not walk it off! Munchies always bring you down.

    You are soo funny, I'm still thinking of you guys in conga line in Central Park!

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  15. 'don't bogart that joint...'

    too funny, ye be ;) lol

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  16. I do not do "the pot" unless of course you are talking about the pot you cook in or the pot you pee in. I can just inhale the smoke from a joint and I'm a goner. Yep I'm a featherlightweight.

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  17. pot was bad lover for too long. fun memories tho. that was a great moment where you wanted to stop the cop. what a fun read. a gift to find your blog.

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  18. THIS HAPPENED TO ME! Thank goodness Husband did not follow my mandate to take me to the nearest emergency room.

    I had taken an antihistamine for my allergies earlier that day, and it turns out they DO NOT mix with grass.

    I had my one and only panic attack.

    So far. Knock wood.

    Never touched the stuff again. Pot I mean.

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  19. That conga line sounds like too much fun :) I likie.

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  20. I believe I have a similar story but just change Central Park to Washington Square Park and there you have it.

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  21. I lol'd. But I'm stoned, so -- ooh, look, something shiny!

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  22. It is bad that it was going everything yellow and you not able to stop the cop.

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