A lot of people have straight jobs. Waitering, catering, officing. And then there are straight jobs that oversee other straight jobs like managing, delegating, vice-presidencing. And then there's the top of this Straight Food Chain called the CEO, the Big Kahuna or The Guy Who Married The Boss's Daughter and then helped give him a fatal heart attack. Then there is the bottom of This Heap, delivery drivers, strippers and sanitation workers.
Yes, take down the stripper pole and stop calling Vegas.
Every job sucks. Because somewhere down the line it seems everyone has turned into an asshole. In my field, show business, we have our share of assholes. We have a very big share. Including, possibly, the percentage of share that your field is supposed to have.
When one of us turns against one of us, our main recourse is to spread the dish as far and fast as possible. If you're treated right you will tell one person but if you're treated poorly you will tell a hundred. That expression fits our business as tightly as one of Lady Gaga's costumes. We can cost you a job simply because you're an asshole. How great is that? Divas last about 10 minutes in Hollywood, unless you're Mariah Carey and no I can't explain that. You can even be an alcoholic or drug addict and can still work if you're a fun guy who is only slightly mental. Hello Tracy Morgan! Hi Andy Dick! Hey You Used To Be David Hasselhoff!
I had forgotten what being disrespected felt like since I haven't worked the comedy club circuit in a while. Those club owners will shred your ass like lettuce, even if you turned their under performing club from an Iceberg Wedge With Mayo into Wolfgang's Chicken Caesar. Yes, I'm talking to you Stardome. And Zanies Nashville.
But that's what happened this week. People disrespected me. People who take themselves way too seriously, which is a by-product of living in Los Angeles. People who think they're more important than they are. So for the last time: the important people are the President of the United States, Mission Control and Dr. House.
I'm sorry it sucks to be you but take a number and get in line. You do not need to beat up on others because you feel bad about where you are in life.
Passive Aggressives meet in the basement of the Lutheran Church every Thursday at 7 pm. Bring dartboards, pictures and snacks so we can eat our rage on toast points. Free parking in the asshole's driveway next door.
I salute those of you who hang in day after day, month after month, year after year. You work hard, take abuse from bosses and co-workers and keep your mouth shut. You're friends with people who routinely put you down or use you up like a free sandwich pass at Subway. But I? Cannot live that way. If you disrespect me in any way I'm outta there. I'd rather starve.
God knows I can afford to drop a pound or ten. (<---hack phrase alert. Sorry.)
End of chat.