It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Remember when you could have an argument on the phone and then slam down the receiver and feel all justified about being right? Now if you get into a telephone fight, you just push a button and the evil person on the other end hears nothing. Not even a little click. My civil rights as an immature person are being violated.

I've watched a lot of rescues on TV and noticed the person being pulled into the hovering helicopter always has their arms crossed against their chest. So when my ambulance pulled up to the ER last Sunday, a firefighter asked me to cross my arms so he could carry me off the vehicle. So I did. He put his left arm around me, sort of under my butt slash thigh. Then he hoisted me off the truck until I was airborne.

I thought I was going to fall so with my right arm I began clawing at the fireman's shoulder and he started yelling "NO! NO! NO!"

Then I couldn't get my arm off him because I forgot the position I was in and thought, "Were they crossed from left to right or right to left? Is he trying to drop me? Am I dying?"

They save horses, baby elephants and really old people and I'm guessing I'm the only problem rescuee they've ever had. Look at the above photo. This person has no arms. Maybe the firefighters removed them while they were playing a real game of Hangman?

Have you seen the commercial where a man looks into the camera and says, "For Christmas this year, arrange an appointment for the woman in your life to get a pap smear."

And then this one: "For Hanukkah this year, arrange an appointment for the woman in your life to get a pap smear. It's just a schmear!"

WHAT THE FUCK? I want to see a couple of women talking about getting their men a prostate checkup. However, since men don't listen while we talk, I'm guessing this idea was thrown out fairly early on in the campaign.

Please don't compare the pooch to a schmear. My body is not your bagel.

And speaking of bad Christmas gifts, many years ago in NY, my boyfriend du jour got me a subscription to Life Magazine. I'm sure I'm not the only one who got something useless for Chrismakkuh. Start typing.

End of chat.