Friday, December 04, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Remember when you could have an argument on the phone and then slam down the receiver and feel all justified about being right? Now if you get into a telephone fight, you just push a button and the evil person on the other end hears nothing. Not even a little click. My civil rights as an immature person are being violated.

I've watched a lot of rescues on TV and noticed the person being pulled into the hovering helicopter always has their arms crossed against their chest. So when my ambulance pulled up to the ER last Sunday, a firefighter asked me to cross my arms so he could carry me off the vehicle. So I did. He put his left arm around me, sort of under my butt slash thigh. Then he hoisted me off the truck until I was airborne.

I thought I was going to fall so with my right arm I began clawing at the fireman's shoulder and he started yelling "NO! NO! NO!"

Then I couldn't get my arm off him because I forgot the position I was in and thought, "Were they crossed from left to right or right to left? Is he trying to drop me? Am I dying?"

They save horses, baby elephants and really old people and I'm guessing I'm the only problem rescuee they've ever had. Look at the above photo. This person has no arms. Maybe the firefighters removed them while they were playing a real game of Hangman?

Have you seen the commercial where a man looks into the camera and says, "For Christmas this year, arrange an appointment for the woman in your life to get a pap smear."

And then this one: "For Hanukkah this year, arrange an appointment for the woman in your life to get a pap smear. It's just a schmear!"

WHAT THE FUCK? I want to see a couple of women talking about getting their men a prostate checkup. However, since men don't listen while we talk, I'm guessing this idea was thrown out fairly early on in the campaign.

Please don't compare the pooch to a schmear. My body is not your bagel.

And speaking of bad Christmas gifts, many years ago in NY, my boyfriend du jour got me a subscription to Life Magazine. I'm sure I'm not the only one who got something useless for Chrismakkuh. Start typing.

End of chat.

21 comments:

  1. Anonymous11:15 AM

    S,
    I had a bad gift just last Sunday. It was the Holiday Party for the boating safety group at the yacht club. I paid $30 for a horrible buffet. I paid $25 for my grab bag gift -- a beautiful nautical rug w/lighthouse and sailboat. What did I get? Some asshole thought they'd be funny and bought a 2 foot high brown metallic reindeer that looked like a cockroach. I put it immediately into the nearest wastebasket. Whoever said it's better to give than receive must have gotten a reindeer/cockroach as a gift.
    Aloha,
    MJ
    P.S. Once again proving that all comedy should be left to professionals.

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  2. Suzy, once again you crack me up! I love your posts and can't wait to read them. I just now read your profile...shame on me. I had no idea you were on Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm. I wish I could remember those episodes. I hope you are feeling better honey and have a very relaxing weekend. Kori xoxo

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  3. Killer post...I can't stop laughing.."it's justa schmear",Oh
    man...

    And you can't make a proper angry exit through sliders with screen doors and child safety locks...

    "I'm outta here! Once I figure out how to get outta here, but when I do..I am so outta here..How do open this facocta thing!?!...

    Peace ~ Rene

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  4. So Suzy was the fireman cute? He was wasn't he and you weren't clawing him you were humping him weren't you? Come on fess up.;)

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  5. OY! And I thought MY blog post showed some bad taste gifts!! Wonder how he wrapped it?

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  6. I HATE that commercial about scheduling a pap smear for your girlfriend or wife. You're so right about the prostate exam. Is it love? I doubt it...he/she hasn't scheduled a colonoscopy for me yet...

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  7. The not being able to hang up loudly really pisses me off! The best I've come up with is getting close to my computer or radio so that the other person gets that annoying feedback.

    Have you noticed that in movies they still simulate the click of a phone hanging up?

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  8. Oh, and I once got athlete foot cream as a present because I said my toe itched. The cream worked the relationship not so much.

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  9. The day I can't take care of my own cervical health is the day I want to check out.

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  10. And I thought the electric can opener was a bad gift.
    I called him a Schmere.
    Love to read your schtuff.

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  11. you crack me up love the schsmear!
    My MIL last year gave me a huge fleece coat with a coyote in the back. Bitch!

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  12. All I want for Christmas is a pap schmear?

    I'm sure there's a song in that.

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  13. That commercial is just too weird! I believe that the reason people cross their arms when being pulled up into a helicopter is so that they don't get in the way of rescue, so now, why again, were you being pulled from that firetruck?

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  14. Tightwad got me a dirt devil one year. He was in traction for six months.

    bastard.

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  15. and yes, I was LAUGHING my ass off throughout this post.

    Bitchy and my ass both thank you.

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  16. What? Sorry, I was still thinking about the no underwear part.

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  17. Seems like you are definitely feeling better!

    The worst Christmas present I ever got was a closet "freshener" that was filled with pine needles. Doesn't sound bad, right? Well, after I left it in the back of my car for a couple days I started wondering why my car smelled like cat piss. Fresheners thrown straight into the dumpster. Fucking freshener, my eye. I'd rather getta schmear for Christmas!

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  18. I once had a coworker who called a pashmina a papsmeera.

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  19. I want a mammogram for ChristmakkaH!
    We constantly tell people to cross their arms on their chests and "give themselves a hug" in the hospital. We do it when we boost poeple up in bed so they won't grab us or have their hands in our way. We do it when we move then while on a stretcher so we don't take out one of their arms on the way out of a room. Like what happened to the poor armless dude in your pic.
    You're too funny.

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  20. Love your sense of humor and the places you find humor.

    I read Vodka Mom too, but you are much funnier! Don't tell her I said that, okay?

    Di
    The Blue Ridge Gal

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