If only someone would do the dishes. And by someone I mean not me.
So on Christmas Day I was supposed to pick up Izzy's famous homemade Christmas dinner in Santa Monica and then drive it over to my sister's, about 5 minutes away.
I got in my car and realized I needed gas. Fuck.
I said Fuck on Christmas Day. You know, like I do every day. I drove to the gas station 2 blocks from my house and ran into my friend Kenny and his dog Sandy Blue. Kenny's the guy who told me he remembered me when I had a flat stomach.
Boy, you really can't unhear that.
He cleaned my windshield as I propped myself up against the gas pump and prayed for an oxygen IV. Then a drunk approached.
"Been drinking a little, Pat?" I asked.
"How did you know my name?"
"It's written on the cooler holding your beer."
Then a guy with an 110 pound RottyPit came by. His name was Claus. His dog's name was Snoop because Claus used to work for Snoop Dogg. Claus said he was a celebrity broker. I'd never heard of a celebrity broker so I asked him what that meant.
"Just Google 'Claus Britney Spears' and you can read all about it."
I drove 2 blocks before I thought, why go to Santa Monica? The party is RIGHT HERE in the Hollywood Hills with Pat the Drunk, Kenny the Sax Player, Claus the Celebrity Broker and Suzy the Sink Sleeper.
When I got to Lindy's I Googled Claus:
Feb 7 2008 3:14 PM EST
Britney Spears' Friend Denies Requesting Money For Rolling Stone Interview
'They contacted me with the offer,' Danish businessman Claus xxxxxxx insists...
Claus was a friend of Britney's. He allegedly requested 2 million for an interview with her. Rolling Stone denied offering it.
I COULD TOTALLY DO HIS JOB because apparently it does not require leaving the house.
Sidebar: How funny do those dogs look?
After dinner my sister and I watched screeners of It's Complicated and Up in the Air, both very average movies so I'm not sure what the hype is all about. We then watched 10 minutes each of Creation, Star Trek, and Coraline. Boring, Who Cares, and Who Cares, Jr.
By the end of the evening Lindy was explaining to me what a vaginaplasty was. So all in all? A typical Christmas.
End of chat.