I want to thank Nurse Heidi (not her porn name) and Martha Jane in Honolulu for helping me on Sunday night. I've talked aboutHeidi being smarter than a doctor and she came off a late shift in her Vermont hospital and called me at 2:30 a.m. her time to tell me what to do. Martha Jane also gave me great suggestions and I did listen to them both so I'm grateful for such terrific friends. And to AnnsRants for calling me and all the tweets asking me if I had died yet. Touching.
After I got so many comments of concern I thought I needed to clarify a few things.
When the bill comes and I post the amount, then you can pity me. Because I'm a comedian first and a human being last, I was worried my post wasn't funny enough.
This all was actually a blessing. Because I didn't break my caps, my nose or any of my bones. PLUS, I've been worrying about my brain for 2 years. And not for the obvious reason, that I over think everything and the falls might have triggered a later episode that made me forget to obsess. THE HORROR!
I had fallen on pavement twice before and then once in my carpeted living room. The first one was when a car hit me while I was walking, the second was 5 months after last year's surgery when I forgot to notice my thigh muscles had ceased to exist because I hadn't walked in 5 months and the third one was when I tripped over a garden hose and AGAIN WASN'T WEARING UNDERWEAR and the building gardeners saw my dress shoot over my face, thus exposing the pooch. I'm just glad they didn't speak English because I'm sure they muttered in Japanese, "THE HORROR!"
So I've been concerned for two years and really need to stop watching so much House.
When I fell on Sunday I thought I was headed for surgery. And not the good kind where they make your boobs so huge you can use them as flotation device.
Since the cat scan showed zero trauma, it was a relief. Now I could save the 417 minutes that I worried about it and get down to the business of worrying about important things, like when I'm going to be able to wear stilettos again.
And why my mother was so nice to me after I got out of the hospital. What does she want?
End of chat.