It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

First of all, there's this:

Thanks Susan, and if I've never told you this before, you have a beautiful first name.
This is my sister Lindy in her overpriced co-op. Notice the weight bench and free weights on the balcony, to the right. This is overkill because her gym is across the HALL, on her floor. I picked her up downstairs after nearly clipping a red Ferrari the valets were parking and I mentioned how cold I was. She said not to worry because she left the heat on in her place so it would be warm when we got back.

We went to a thrift store and got 6 items for $27.00, including a black leather coat and a brown suede one. Sadly, they didn't have anything in my size 6 with a size 8 stomach. You'd think that in this economy stores would be more accommodating. Rude.

The next day the manager of my building asked me why my stomach was swollen. Rude.

When we got home from the thrift store an igloo had formed in Lindy's living room and Inuits were hanging blubber to cure for the summer.

"God, it's SO hot in here."
"This is hot to you?"
"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuzy, it's SIXTY-FIVE." (actually she called me asshole)
Since it's SO hot I want to hit the pool; can I borrow one of your size 6 stomach size 8 bikinis?"

The view of the Santa Monica Mountains from my sister's balcony. And below is the fern where a pair of doves live. See the tail sticking up towards the top of the picture? It sometimes stays like that for hours.

I used to make fun of my parents for taking pictures of plants and birds. God, I'm a tool.

The doves lived in that fern for years high up in a corner and then one day they disappeared. Doves make a little dove noise when they came in or out of their nest. One day Lindy thought she heard their familiar sound and went out to her balcony only to discover it was the sliding glass door of the people on the fourth floor. She talked to them and mentioned their door sounded like her missing doves. The 4th floor neighbors said THEY had a new pair of doves who moved into their fern a year before.

My sister knew those were her doves and wanted them back because everyone knows you can control feral animals with your mind. So she practiced The Secret. It got so extreme that one day she actually thought she saw one dove sitting on the rail of the balcony. THERE WAS NO DOVE THERE because all our family is insane. She said that bird sitting on the rail was so real to her that she was positive it was hers. So she just kept visualizing those doves back in her fern. She also kept doing The Secret (if you've only seen the movie and not the book, get the book)

And finally they did come back and have been there every year since.

Seriously, everyone in our family needs therapy.

End of chat.