Monday, February 16, 2009

I Know God Hates Me And I Have Proof

I had to go the Post Office on Valentine's Day and people were out riding bikes, holding hands and slashing tires, as if it wasn't 56 degrees out. FIFTYFUCKINGSIX. I tried to hit a pedestrian and you'd be surprised how fast an 80 year old woman can move when she's crossing against the light and a purple car driven by a woman with murder in her eyes is gunning for her.

Jill's boyfriend from Australia had flowers delivered so I called and told her they were outside because I guess UPS hasn't heard of doorbells yet. I took them and put them in front of my apartment so I would look popular. People in mad, crazy love need to be in a crosswalk while I'm driving. And NOT GET FLOWERS DELIVERED WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.

And now I'm really sick and it's my karma for even thinking of running down an old lady on a walker (did I not mention that part?) and trying to put tongue kissing people out of my misery.

The best thing about living alone is when you get sick your place goes to shit and you couldn't care less. All perspective is renewed when you're on your knees begging God to spare your life. Or at least stop the coughing. Tonight I ate a heated can of chicken soup out of a Tupperware container because there's no clean dishes. It's come to that. I've never yelled at a guy for the way they live, or dress, or left the toilet lid up or put their dirty laundry on the floor. It's clear why, now. I'M ONE OF THEM.

This is what I take every 4 hours after 11 pm: Sudafed Night, Nyquil Nightime gross cherry flavor because I finished the last one, expired in 2007, 2 days ago, one Xanax and 2 hits off my asthma inhaler. And two Unisom to put me out first. Who doesn't want to fuck THAT?

When Heath Ledger wins the Oscar there's no doubt that I should accept it for him.

End of chat.

17 comments:

  1. Can I be your date at the Oscars?

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  2. You are ruthless!

    If you're feeling up to it,visit and vote at my blog site today.

    Post today is regarding the vote to keep or delete the word verification (on my site- not in general- I'm not that powerful).

    I linked to your post you wrote about the WV and I linked to Barja's.

    Vote and leave a comment.

    NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT YOU ALLOW!

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  3. Wait.

    You drive a PURPLE car?

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  4. God may hate you, but I love you! Even drugged up and sick as a dog, you make me laugh.

    And who hasn't thought about running down an old lady in a walker or couples in love when they're miserable? You're better than I am, though, I actually pray for death when I feel like you do...

    Feel better.

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  5. Sorry to hear you are so sick, want me to stop by and fix you some home made chicken soup and clean up a lil for ya. Poor thing. Hope you feel better, I can't handle anything except that crap!

    I didn't know they made Barney cars, I would feel the need to probably run over somebody in that too. LOL

    Take Care Suzy, call me I head on over if you need me!

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  6. Sugar, God may hate you but I adore you - and that's what really counts, isn't it?? The adoration of mad strangers??

    Is there anything I can do to help you feel better??

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

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  7. My cold medicine is expired too. I still gave it to everyone.
    If you are unable to walk the speed limit, you have no business trying to cross the road old lady!
    Purple,my favorite color! My car is periwinkle.

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  8. At least your since of humor isn't sick. Well it sort of is, but you know what I mean.

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  9. I haven't yet advanced my skill to hit old women, however I am definitely practicing on those damned PIGEONS that scare the shit out of me by looking like they are about to kamikaze into my windshield.

    I HATE PIGEONS.

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  10. I don't think you even have to be sick to not care about the mess in your house. Sounds good to me anytime.

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  11. Its so much better to be on your own when you are ill...really... then you just have your own mess

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  12. Always a better plan to swerve away from the old ladies with walkers - it spoils everything when the walker crashes through your windshield and you lose an eye or something.

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  13. Proff! God!!
    Here's a video, @ YouTube, ya gotta watch.....
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7iQRFP_e90

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  14. Wait a minute. MY place looks like crap, too, and I couldn't care less either, so does that mean I live alone now?

    UH...nope. Here come those other people again.

    So close.

    :^) Anna

    P.S. Braja sent me.

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  15. First I want to say I hope you feel better soon. Next I'd like to say your recipe for sleep sounds delicious.

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  16. OK chasing an old lady is one thing, but an old lady in an WALKER!?

    That's a whole different point system right there!

    I wonder if they have rehab in heaven...

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  17. Love this. I ate McDonald's twice this week because I didn't have clean dishes with which to cook. And because I like McDonald's and it was a good excuse :).

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