Monday, May 21, 2012

Kelly Ripa And I Have WHAT In Common?

After an episode of 20/20 I learned Kelly Ripa has Misophonia,  “hatred of sound,” which is a form of decreased sound tolerance. It's a neurological disorder resulting in anger over specific sounds. The reaction in severe cases is rage.

Kelly says that when her husband eats a peach (not a euphemism) she has to leave the room. Some of the people suffering from this can't stand the sound of someone breathing, or coughing. Or swallowing. (bye  oral sex)

It appears I have a mild form of this. If you eat an apple next to me I will take out my makeshift first aid kit of a tire iron and Elmer's glue and clank you over the head until you pass out and then will seal your lips shut. (forever) And I'm not talking about sliced apples (still not a euphemism), but a whole apple. My sister eats them in front of me and my mother has no idea how close she comes to being the parent of a single child.

If I'm ever caught by the North Koreans and have CIA's secrets on me, (my girlfriends would already know them because hello tequila shots) just snap your gum more than 3 times in my presence prison guard guy and I'll sing like a boy band during their 15 minutes of fame. I don't care if snapping gum can cure cancer. I don't care if it can end all wars. (get rid of the kardashians) Do not snap your motherfucking gum.

I'm convinced the United States leads the world in dog barking and ball bouncing. If either happens within earshot I start packing so I can leave the country. It's also possible I have superhuman hearing. (early onset dementia) I'm pretty sure I can hear grass grow. And clouds shifting in the sky. For example, my sound machine has many settings but the one I listen to most is White Noise, which is a continuous hum. This blocks out all repetitive noise and also leaves me red faced when I have to explain to my boyfriend (du jour) that if I don't turn it on to sleep I'll probably accidentally on purpose stab him in his eyeball. (clean out his wallet)

However, sometimes the white noise function picks up a distant but distinct pinging sound. (amelia earhart's plane) And it will ping in the same pattern until I'm standing on my balcony at three in the morning wondering how much damage I will do jumping from the 3rd floor.

After reading this back,  maybe my case isn't as mild as I think.


  1. i'm with you on the white noise generator - i can get a reasonable equivalent turning on the oscillating fan by my bed... blocks out the rest of the crappy neighborhood squabbles

  2. Dogs barking. Loud, sharp noises. Grunting. Overly aggressive, loud, violent sneezing. a-rhythmic drumming or thumping noises. Children (including my own) whining.

    I adore you, Mizz Suzy. Never visit Casa de Crazy - we denizens may never survive.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

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  4. Then how does Kelly stand listening to herself?

  5. Laughing Wolf, I used to use channels that don't come in on cable when I travel so I wouldn't have to lug the machine around. Also, the motels were cheap. This technique won't work at the 4 Seasons.

    Kyddryn, it appears a LOT of us suffer from this affliction!

    Always Home, indeed, how does she???

  6. knuckle cracking
    crunchy food

    Everything too loud!

    The Hurricane and I are afflicted.

    Janie Lola

  7. Oh, wow - I thought my case was brought on by 20 years of childrearing. EVERYTHING is too loud. I need a padded room. Also, I don't want to hear anyone chewing anything ever again. Gah.

    Also? My husband laughs at his own jokes. It took me 20 years to notice that? Hand me that tire iron.

  8. Suburban, why on earth weren't we interviewed for 20/20.

    Tire iron is in the mail.

  9. Chewing gum. I can't even stand it when I do it..My kids know not to be next to me when they have gum.
    Chewing Ice. They can't even be in the same room.
    Chewing food. But that's mostly just my kids.

    Drums played really loud. Especially if they are mediocre drums played by non professional types.

  10. I didn't know this was a condition.

    I thought I was just always ornery.


    I can't sTAND the way my teen chews.

    A condition?

  11. Anonymous5:08 AM

    You just made my day- I was unaware it's a real medical condition! Everyone just tells me I am hyper-sensitive (and nuts) when I freak out over repetitive sounds. Fountains, clocks that tick loudly, bowling alleys, sinks dripping, constant door slamming outside my office. GAH! So many unbearbable noises. Don't even get me started on that Riverdancing freakdom.

  12. Empress, chewing is about the only repetitive thing that doesn't bother me but the decade is young.

    Anon? A ticking clock will send me over to fight the Was in Afghanistan and WIN. That's how crazy one makes me.

  13. The one that will send me over the edge is to hear someone speaking that does that little wet smack with their mouth at the end of sentences. It makes me want to do evil things. I had to turn off an interview I wanted to hear on NPR the other day, because I could NOT stand that sound.

    But my worst is the constant freaking ringing in my left ear, which is another condition altogether. It is why I always have a tv or music on low - so I don't hear it.

  14. Normal Mom, one of my pet peeves is people who end the sentence up. As if it's a question when it's only a comment. Like this:

    "I like going to the mall?"

    Also, constant ringing in the ear is often a sign of hypoglycemia. Google it. Because most doctors don't acknowledge that it exists. But it does.

  15. Oh my goodness is this for real? Because I MUST have this. Maybe to a lesser degree but my husband just does not understand why some sounds make me want to stab someone in the eyeball!

  16. It's official! We've all got misophonia! Even you Christine!!

  17. My husband used to have a secretary that would laugh this loud, barking little laugh at the end of every. sentence. I felt like I was tiptoeing through a little insanity minefield, trying to have conversations with her that wouldn't trigger the bark. My right eye was usually twitching by the time I left his office. He cursed me for pointing it out to him because once it was brought to his attention it drove him crazy.

  18. Shieldmaiden, that's the kind of thing I do, point out an irritating habit to others so that their lives will be ruined also. Well done!

  19. OH my God, I have the same problem, I didn't know there was an actual name for my sickness.

  20. I read somewhere hyper sensitivity to sound is another sign you are an empath. Seriously.

  21. No specific noise gets to me, like, say, that of fingernails on a blackboard does for some folks. Where my misphonia DOES manifest itself is with loud, non-repetitive, meaningless noise. Like a TV left on with the sound too high and no one watching it. Or my boss speaking.

  22. Anonymous8:01 PM

    What about crickets?? no sleeping with the windows open!