Thursday, October 28, 2010

Dear God I Own Brown Pants

Like that one New Year's Eve when I was at a party and stood up at midnight to kiss someone, only to discover I was the only single woman there and all the couples were kissing, thus hangs my brown pants in the closet. Alone in a sea of black. A sea of black clothes kissing.

And not just any brown pants. Brown polyester pants. Jaclyn Smith's brown polyester pants. From K-Mart.

Can death be far behind?

It was 2008 and I had to go to India for surgery. Because of extreme pain I couldn't make it off the couch to the kitchen without 2 Vicodin and a walker. So I had put on weight. Up to 140 pounds from my constant 128. Nothing fit. How was I going to sit on a plane for 22 hours wearing the only thing that would fit me, four towels bound together with electrical tape?

So I dragged myself out to shop. There was a K-Mart over the hill in the San Fernando Valley. I went straight to the Overweight Section, which takes up about 97% of the store, and bought my brown no-wrinkle Jaclyn Smith pants. "No love will be lost when I donate these to The Salvation Army," I said to myself while I leaned on a store employee crying because I now owned brown polyester pants.

But when I got home I realized I didn't have anything to go with brown pants so I went to Ross and bought a matching cotton shirt. "Oh won't this make a well coordinated outfit for some nice person who loves the color brown?" I said to myself as I leaned on a store employee crying because I was now buying cheap brown tops to go with cheap brown pants.

Here I am in India wearing my K-Mart pants, my Ross shirt and risking my life in one of their pedi-cabs,  made out of plastic and spit. The necklace is from Planet Blue in Malibu and cost twice as much as the pants and shirt together. Notice how the pants appear to be riding up my leg. It turns out a big butt takes up a considerable amount of pant.

You really do learn something new every day.
I still have the outfit. I gave the necklace to my mom. And at 133 pounds and holding, I still wear the outfit. I miss the necklace.

End of chat.

22 comments:

  1. Didn't I see you in the Dollar Store the other day?

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  2. brown POLYESTER pants??? Sweet jesus this MIGHT be grounds for a divorce.

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  3. Moooooog, that made me laugh so hard I actually had to comment in my own blog rather than privately.

    Vodkamom, yeah, uh, sorry about that. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO IRON THEM. EVER IN YOUR LIFE.

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  4. You wore polyester to INDIA? I hope the surgery was on your brain.

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  5. Holy smokes, what insanity could make you go to India for surgery, especially wearing brown polyester pants. I'm pretty sure not even the Indians think that shit should be legal.

    Which is why I only wear mine to a job I hate with a passion. There's a certain balance in that.

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  6. I don't think I own a shirt that didn't come from Ross--my pants are wool blend though.

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  7. I have a brown veloure track suit and I love it.
    I'm wearing it on Halloween with dog ears and tail.

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  8. Wow, I'm such a loser!

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  9. Suzy!!!! How I have missed you so honey! I often think of you and your blog, but have been swamped and barely have time to even post on my own! I hope you are well and I promise to be back more often! Kori xoxo

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  10. LOL at Moooooog's comment. She beat me to it but I forgive her.

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  11. I think you need to make peace with your inner polyester.

    And is Moooog a girl or a guy? Now I'm confused.

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  12. -->I think we all have that one outfit in our closet that we know isn't right but just feels good to wear. For me, mine is usually cotton or fleece but if you pick polyester, go for it.
    I need clothes that Stretch and Breathe these days.

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  13. I needed surgery years ago and my health insurance company told me it could only be performed in Coney Island. Coney #@XI%G Island!
    I feel selfish now knowing you were sent to India.
    I would advise you to dye your brown pants black but polyester repels dye as well as suitors.
    We live in troubled times, I blame it all on Jaclyn Smith.
    X David

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  14. At least they were Jaclyn Smith's - she had a nice butt.
    Surgery in India? That's a story to post fully. (please)

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  15. shit that's funny!

    they were the first words that came to mind ;)

    and on another note... why india for surgery? that's very funny.

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  16. There have only been 2 times that my straight laced husband has laughed at a blog post.

    Both times, it was here.

    Tonight, with your brown pants.

    He walked in tonight, "hey, did you read suzy soro brown pants?"

    What? He's following blogs now?

    I, of course, laugh all the time here.

    Love it: a big butt takes up a lot of pant space.

    Now he beats me to your blog. first.

    On his own, my husband bloghops here.

    Still can't believe it.

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  17. silly grrrrrl! don'tcha know, if'n ye gotta wear brown, make it brown CORDS? :O lol

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  18. I am laughing through your pain. Please forgive me.

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  19. You know, brown polyester pants were only invented so people with diarrhea wouldn't have to be embarrassed if there was some unintentional "leakage".

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  20. Hilarious! We all have fat clothes in our closets, but rarely speak of them, and never post Internet pics wearing them! Thanks for the laugh!

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  21. No wonder you have 14 more followers than I do.

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