Monday, October 18, 2010

Public Speaking Isn't For Everyone

I'm no stranger to surgery. I'd like to say it's because I'm married to Dr. Oz and every day on the way to meet him for lunch at the hospital I stop off and spend all his money.

But no, I've had surgery for real reasons. None of which included a lawsuit and a huge cash settlement but that's probably just poor planning on my part.

Frankly, I'd hate to die on an operating table because they say when you leave your body you can look down and see the doctors working on you. I bet that's not what they're doing. They're probably going through your pockets.

During my last surgery, right before I went under, I remember the doctor holding a scalpel, the florescent lights and the smell of burning flesh. NIGHTMARE.

Do you know how bad you look in florescent lights?

In the operating room they make you count back from 100 when they give you the anesthesia. They make you think you're going to be awake for a really long time. Meanwhile you go 100, 99. Out! Why don't they just make you count backwards from 2?

When I woke up I drifted into consciousness and heard the loudspeaker crackle alive.

"Code Blue on the fir... (muffled voice) Gina, is that a 1 or a 7? A 7, realllly? Code Blue... (muffled voice) Gina, that's blue, right? Not purple?"

"(muffled voice) There is no Code Purple."

"(muffled voice) There isn't? Maybe I'm thinking of blue and red make purple. Like the blood mixed with the blue, you know?"

"This is Gina, ignore all previous announcements except this one: CODE BLUE ON THE SEVENTH FLOOR."

Then a nurse came in and said "I'm going to have to attach you to a drip." And I'm thinking, wouldn't I heal a lot faster if they hooked me up to a cool person? She gave me my pain meds and I cheeked the pills and saved them for later because double dosage later always trumps single dosage now.

Have you ever dropped a pill on the floor and then picked it up and taken it anyway? And someone will inevitably say, "Ooooh, that was on the floor." How do we know those pills weren't on the floor before they got in the bottle? There's probably a guy over at Squibb sitting on the floor going, 18, 19, 20.

I know you're supposed to take all the medicine a doctor gives you but it's better to have extra medication lying around. Once I ran out of sugar and had to put Cherry Nyquil on my Cream of' Wheat. Because I'm a genius.

A study says married men don't need as strong an anesthetic as married women. For women they give them intravenous Valium and for men they make them listen to a tape of their wives asking them to take out the garbage.

End of chat.

18 comments:

  1. -->They had a drug amnesty day in this area recently to turn in old pills. I thought it was suspect that it occured outside the homeless shelter.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I could use whatever you are on today!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh I love that last one. It's a guarantee that when my wife starts asking me to do something, I slowly zone out and before I know it I don't hear a thing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are one funny woman. :-)

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
  5. The last time I had surgery I woke up while they were digging my insides out. They said there was no way I could have been awake until I told the doctor what his golf score was. OOOPPS

    ReplyDelete
  6. You would love our house--my husband just had a little surgery. Out of 40 Vicodin he took one.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hmmm, cheeking meds. I'll have to remember that next time. I'm hanging on to the Vicodin or whatever it was from my last purposeful knifing - you never know when that stuff will come in handy.

    I once had a coworker offer to buy them off me...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hmmm, cheeking meds. I'll have to remember that next time. I'm hanging on to the Vicodin or whatever it was from my last purposeful knifing - you never know when that stuff will come in handy.

    I once had a coworker offer to buy them off me...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Surgery and me don't mix I sure wish it did....I need a lot of work, a tuck here a suck there.....! Hope you and Dr. Oz have many happy years together! Did he divorce Oprah?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I need a good California breakfast wine, what variety do you recommend to compliment the Cream of Wheat a la Cherry Nyquil? X David

    ReplyDelete
  11. I hate surgery! OK - not so much the surgery part as the waking up and then having to heal and recover and all. I personally think the medical profession is drastically underutilizing that medically induced coma thing.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I've had surgery bunches of times and I still hate when they put me under. I always wear earrings even though they say no jewelry. I want to look pretty in case it all goes wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I bet the minute you go under the doc is like

    "Scalpel...long john, espresso, cigarette..."

    ReplyDelete
  14. But I like taking out the garbage (it gets me out of the house)

    ReplyDelete
  15. You are so funny, I love it when you just free blog like that.

    You must be wonderful face to face.

    I'd love you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Of course I take the pill that I dropped on the floor. Even if I dropped it by the toilet FFS.

    ReplyDelete
  17. last time they had me count back from 100 following the anesthetic, i got down to five, the doc looked at me and said: wtf... you got enough to knock out a horse... i said: not this horse... born in the year of, me....

    ReplyDelete
  18. "I know you're supposed to take all the medicine a doctor gives you but it's better to have extra medication lying around."

    I totally agree.

    ReplyDelete