Sunday, August 15, 2010

How To End Your Summer With Me Still Talking To You

-Stop complaining about the same things over and over and over. I can’t fix it. If I could, I’d fix all the things I complain about over and over and over.

-Stop talking about the same things over and over and over. When I turn on TV I can't even watch reruns.

-Make up your mind in less than three days. As fascinating as the difference is between ecru and taupe, your equivocation gets on my last available nerve.

-Stop asking me what I think you should do with your life. I don’t know what I should do with my life and yours interests me even less.

-Stop asking me if you should have plastic surgery. Look in the mirror. If you don’t burst into tears, the answer is no.

-Stop asking me if you should lose weight. Look in the mirror. If you burst into tears, the answer is yes.

-Stop burdening your friends with all your issues. Do what I do and unload on strangers. For a big enough tip those bartenders will listen to anyone.

So in a nutshell:

Thanks Liss!

End of chat.

23 comments:

  1. What are you good for, then?



    And tell me the truth, do these pants make my butt look big?

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  2. This gives me a great idea for a book you should write.

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  3. I don't even put up with that from my kids, beats me why you would put up with it from anyone not from your womb!

    Good list. Basically STFU and get a life. Live by it.

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  4. soooo asking for help finding a woman for my dad....ummmm is kinda out of the question?

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  5. My problem is with puce and ecru.

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  6. I'm confused. Do I need to start tipping people who read my blog?

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  7. -->I would add something about other's people's kids are not interesting to people who don't have kids.

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  8. Oh, yeah, pretty good list...purty darn good, but I'm with Web SavvyMom...you gotta have that in there.

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  9. You get sweeter every single day. :)

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  10. I look into the mirror and burst into tears.

    But I think that has less to do with the weight thing and more to do with the plastic surgery one.

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  11. i'd go even further than websavvymom and say that no one cares about ANYbody else's kids. kids are generally not that interesting.

    i love your list and am so glad i am not in danger of ever getting on it.

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  12. I love how the missing letter is U.
    As in the *word* doesn't revolve around U...
    So be silent, *U*

    This is perfect
    Rene

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  13. I think you should put this on your card. Save yourself a lot of needless listening!

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  14. Very good advice indeed; you're a great pretend bartender Suzy.

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  15. Chandler In Las Vegas5:15 AM

    Suzy, you are so right. Only a true friend knows that sometimes it is kind to be cruel. Only a comic would know how hilarious it is simultaneously.

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  16. Hey, can I ask you something?

    Eh, never mind. I don't even care enough myself.

    Self-censorship, the key to relationships.

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  17. Yes, will we be getting tips? Actually, I don't want one, you're too much fun the way you are.

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  18. Haha, I was coming here for a shoulder to cry on today, but I'm taking my self-destructing business elsewhere!

    BLEH. I am with you 100%.

    Single Dad Laughing

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  19. I have one!

    Stop drooling over boys that have barely left their teen years.

    Gives me the creeps!

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  20. shot the fick op? i knew that! :P lol

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  21. These are great...and I am trying to live more like this!! I hate when I find myself complaining to my friends and think later--they don't give a fuck about that, why did I just bore them for 45 minutes??

    We could all learn so much from you!!

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  22. Oh. So this is why you aren't talking to me anymore.

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  23. i just re-watched 'the big lebowski', and that quote needs to have "donny" at the end of it.

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