Tuesday, September 29, 2009

You Ghouls Are Waiting For Me To Croak

Ten days ago I drove one hour to the dentist and talked myself out of staying. I went back today and there were 3 of the most unruly children I've ever seen in my life with a stranglehold on the waiting room and their parents oblivious.

I remembered how this behavior was not allowed from our parents, under any circumstances. Even if we had a gunshot wound, we were told to sit quietly, cross our legs and wait our turn.
"But Dad, I'm bleeding."
"You call that bleeding? I'll give you something to bleed about."
"Yes sir and I hope you die in your sleep."
"What did you just say?"
"I said I wish we had a pet sheep."

After I waited an hour and my Xanax started to wear off or kick in, I can't remember, they sent me to my dentist du jour. The brunette on the left. She kept saying "You won't need pain pills for tomorrow, this shouldn't hurt you at all."

Why do doctors say that? About every surgery I've had. I always want to answer:

"Oh, did you just have a steel rod put in YOUR back too? I hope you die in your sleep."
"What did you just say?"
"I said now I can finally get some sleep with this giant ROD the length of my back."

But I managed to squeeze 12 Vikes out of her and sure enough, my entire left upper jaw is hanging by a thread, throbbing like a sub woofer and I hope I die in my sleep.

I put the Paypal icon on my blog with the tee shirt sizes. I promised 2 of the 3 I sold yesterday I'd send them out today but unless I put my jaw on a leash and drag it behind me in a little red wagon, that ain't going to happen today.

End of chat.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Pull The Damn Thing Already

Some Demento with too much time on their hands carved this out of a pumpkin. I'd ask Why but we're the country who stocks spam in supermarkets instead of garbage cans where it belongs.

If I had children, they would be taken away from me after this post. Monday they pull the upper left molar with only Novocaine, which is what we all know is as close to water boarding civilians as it gets. This molar is approximately 10 feet tall by 4 feet wide and sticks out of my jaw begging for a carved pumpkin for its scrapbook. I'm convinced the roots of this rotten tooth have grown past my brain though to my scalp and that's why my hair roots turn dark so quickly. THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU JUDGE.

So I went to Costco on Friday to refill my meds and buy a pumpkin pie. One of their pumpkin pies has 76 servings of vegetables and even though I buy one a year, I eat it in 2 days. In the middle of all this I decide to experiment with how many Xanax I'm going to need to sit in the dental chair and not kill the dentist. Even though that number was quite high, I did have to drive 45 minutes there and 45 minutes back so 165 Xanax was definitely out.

So Friday I ate 3 pieces of pie, took 3 Xanax and had a 4 hour nap. So three was out.

Saturday I ate 2 pieces of pie, took 2 (maybe 3, it's all a bit fuzzy now) and took a three hour nap.

Now out of pie, I realized the pie was definitely holding me back so I only took 1 Xanax and took another 2 hour nap.

Driving to the dentist is hard while you're napping. I guess I'll find out on Monday.

I put the paypal icon on my blog. I'm only charging $20 per shirt and eating the cost of the shipping, handling and tax. So pick your size, send me your address and I'll send it out on a day I don't use Xanax. If you want to send a check instead, that's okay too.

End of chat.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Where Did You Get Your Sense Of Humor?

After every show there's always one person who asks me that question.

In the beginning of my career I had no idea how to answer since didn't my sense of humor just come from me? Modest, over-achieving, genius me? Humble, fabulous, fashion-plated me? Outrageous, over-accessorized, well you get the idea.

But over time I've gathered enough irrefutable evidence to prove I was wrong. Here's the real answer:

My Dad in the Army. This man had access to firearms.

Dad trying to strangle his 4th wife with his eyes closed. Surprisingly, he failed.

Dad with a belly dancer hired for his 75th birthday party.

I have no idea what this was about but I know bourbon was involved. In fact, I PRAY bourbon was involved.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Boss, Da Plane! Da Tee Shirts Are In!

I'm not good with saturation, hue and every other thing you need to know about editing a picture. Suffice it to say the Tee looks like the header on my blog. Minus my neck. Neck inclusion is an extra $100.

Any marks you see on the shirt are from my camera, not the shirt or my aforementioned retardation. I don't think aforementioned is even a word from this century, if indeed it's a word at all. I have no time to look this up as I am OBSESSED and FOCUSED on that little indent on my left arm. Actually it's a large indent and from my chair it looks like the Mississippi River coursing through my fat deposits which any FOOL can see. I'm also not good at cropping photos.
The shirts are coal black with Hollywood in White and the rest in Yellow and Orangey-Red. They are Gildan's Ultra 100% Cotton. And they stretch, which is why I bought them. Machine wash warm in like colors, inside out, and tumble dry warm, which I think is Spanish for there could be shrinkage if you machine dry hot.

I have them in S, M (which I'm wearing in this picture) L, XL, XXL and XXXL. I'm going to the Post Office sometime this week to weigh them so I can give you guys a great deal and eat the postage myself. And by Eating The Postage I mean Eating The Cupcakes. Which reminds me, I have to go to Sprinkles and buy some. I blame you all for this.

End of chat.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

King Of The Hill

A serene, tranquil place to gather your thoughts and if you're lucky, some of Elvis's expired prescription drugs.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Unwatchable Emmy Awards

Last year's Emmy Awards had the lowest ratings in their history, 12.8 million. The Suits said it was because 30 Rock and Mad Men are not viewed by enough people so no one watched because they had no idea what those shows were about. So they expanded each category to 7 entries. Maybe people would tune in to see other shows have a shot at Emmy.

30 Rock and Mad Men still won.

Which is why The People's Choice Awards appeals to so many. Two and A Half Men is the most watched comedy on TV and yet never finishes in the money. Except Jon Cryer, who won best supporting actor in a comedy this year.

So many repeat winners: Glenn Close, Bryan Cranston, Alec Baldwin, The Amazing Race. I was glad Toni Collette beat out Tina Fey, who was relegated to a guest part on SNL for her win. She can't act and Collette can. Fey's win last year was cringe-inducing.

Love you Tina. Mean it.

I stopped watching after an hour and got the winners from the internet, who were coming off the East Coast feed. Doogie Howser got on my last available nerve, the dresses were boring, the people were...who WERE some of those people?

And to answer yesterday's questions about Candice Bergen's face. She had an upper and lower blepharoplasty (upper and lower eye) and a forehead lift. That's why her eyebrows are at different heights in the pictures. At 63, she waited too long for this surgery. She did have severe hooding over her eyes, which is when the eyelid starts to slide over the eye. In some cases, hooding can be so severe that insurance will pay for it. Many Asians opt for this 'Round Eye Surgery.' Had Candice done this at 40, we wouldn't be so shocked to see her in a completely different face today.

Had I gone to bed earlier I would have missed the Emmy's.

There's always next year.

End of chat.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Why Women Struggle With Beauty

This is Candice Bergen. An After and a Before picture. She's 63 years old. This is why the Internet should be waded through with rubber boots and gloves. A lot of it is such shit.

Take a close look at the bottom of her nose on the photo on the left. A heavy brown line has been photoshopped in. There is also the same photoshopped line on the right nose. Only not as strongly.

Does anyone, besides me, know what Candice really had done?

Friday, September 18, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

This has not been a good year for living. You can't even get a decent Death Pool going because A. you have too many options and B. they're already dead.

The first song I sang publicly, at age 14, was If I Had a Hammer by Peter, Paul & Mary. I used 3 of my closest friends, (Kathy, Robin and Whozzits) and they sang while I sat in the audience and heckled them with a roll of toilet paper. I'm amazed I didn't get early enrollment into a PhD program at M.I.T.

I directed, performed and produced this sketch and wish I had a copy of it so I could humiliate myself on my own blog. I picked that song because Mary Travers and I had the same hairdo. I think Frank Sinatra picked his songs the same way.

I had another incident with some of the haunted machinery in my home.

I sleep with a sound machine. I always have it on White Noise but if I have trouble sleeping I switch it to Ocean Pounding the Surf and then switch back to White Noise once I'm nearly asleep.

I got up early because the McPoundersons were upstairs dropping their baby on the floor and then I went back to bed a few hours later. I put on White Noise and turned over. All of a sudden White Noise stopped and there was silence for about 3 seconds and it jumped to Ocean Pounding the Surf, which is two buttons away. As per usual, THIS HAD NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. Thank God it happened in the morning because the things that happen at night scare the crap out of me.

It has now been proven that men lie 6 times a day to a woman's 3 times. They did tests to confirm this. Either that or they eavesdropped on all my past relationships.

End of chat.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Mailbag # 10

More anonymous lines from emails I've received. If you want to out yourself, go ahead. And click on the label at the bottom of this post to read some of the other obscene and tragic one liners I've received from psychopaths I love. If I didn't use your line, it's because you're normal and I forgive you.

You need the respirator masks we use at the hospital for flu or TB patients. Of course they make a big deal about fitting everyone for the masks yearly, then we run out of sizes and have to wear whatever is left.

Texas is not part of the U.S.

We were sitting at the table after the show – it’s me, Estelle Getty and some assorted queens. Somebody brings up Esther Williams. Without missing a beat Estelle says, “She fucked everybody in Hollywood. What a slut.”

Went to the Encino Barnes & Noble today... Carol Leifer was having a book signing. I went over to Carol, chatted for a few minutes and dropped your name. For the record, this did not result in a free book. Either she didn't realize I was aiming for a freebie or Carol Leifer doesn't like you as much as she implied.

I packed plenty of Xanax.

As you know they post innocuous statements in our building elevators. The only one I have liked in the last 4 years has been from the Dalai Lama: “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” So today I almost spit up when the quote was from Kurt Cobain. Hello, didn’t he KILL HIMSELF?

Come on over. I've got a set of pliers and DUCT TAPE.

It's a small town where there was only ONE respectable town whore. You wouldn't want to be seen with any other whore, I assure you.

I've been struggling lately. It's all self-induced misery, so I'm a lucky bastard in actuality.

The bad blind date called. I kept the mental image of his disgustingly dirty residence.

Anyway, while I was gone the print shop put their brains on hold.

Too many blow jobs?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Why My Dentist Is Contemplating Suicide

This is how I dress when I go to the dentist. The triage dentist at the clinic is a known perv. He was even let go for a year or two. He's one of those cretins who leers and then makes comments like "You sure do fill out those jeans nicely." Even though you're wearing a skirt at the time.

HOWEVER, he gives huge discounts so I wear tight clothes and take the half-off price and pretend he's fascinating.

So it's exactly like a first date.

Some of my teeth are bad and God forbid I die in some horrid way and they try and identify me through dental records. Some poor Medical Examiner is going to be telling a homicide detective that he's not completely sure, but he thinks the body on the table is a T-Rex. Maybe a baby giraffe.

Today Dr. Triage said a bridge of 4 lousy teeth was going to cost me $3600. I was sitting in the chair and a sign directly across from me said "Pancreatic cancer has been linked to gum disease." GREAT. How relaxing. Dentists have the highest suicide rate of any profession. That's because their patients threaten to kill them and suicide is their only way out.

I'll be going to the U.C.L.A. dental school instead. They claim to be half as much as a regular dentist. I called Lindy, who has never had one thing wrong with her teeth which is so totally unfair and surely makes her adopted, and said wouldn't it be funny if I went to U.C.L.A. and their half price was the same as my dental clinic's?

"Not so much." She replied.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Ellen Is Getting On My Last Nerve

As a standup comedian, I respect her. When Ellen was signed as the star of her first sitcom, These Friends of Mine, she sat in some executive's office and agreed to everything that was said. When the show was renewed, she changed the name to Ellen. She also got her way on the new cast that was hired. More respect.

The only other sitcom that changed names and lived was Seinfeld. It's original name was The Seinfeld Chronicles.

So I knew Ellen was a very smart woman.

The day I stopped respecting her was during the Writer's Strike. Every talk show came to a screeching halt if they used Writer's Guild of America writers. Except Ellen's. She also crossed the picket lines so as "not to disappoint her fans." Letterman and my husband Craig Ferguson eventually paid their writers out of their own pockets to keep their shows going. I think Conan did too. Leno got in trouble for offshore joke writers but the WGA just recently overturned their decision on whether or not he broke union rules. He did not.

Ellen suffered from Shitty Guest Syndrome for the duration of the strike. TV and movie stars wouldn't cross the picket lines. She replaced them with 5 year old Chinese piano players and housewives from Jersey. At the end of the strike, stars returned to her show. Slowly, but surely. She was Bill Clinton and Oprah. Made of Teflon.

Now a lawsuit has been filed against her show for using over 1,000 songs without asking permission. The show replied "We don't roll that way." I like to go to stores and steal stuff. Pay for it? No dude, I don't roll that way.

Artists can and sometimes do make more money than anyone besides pro ball players. But the ascent to this financial pinnacle did not happen in their first year. It takes a lot of work to be an artist. And still you - and by you I mean me - don't make millions.

I have no respect for people who download anything free off the internet or don't pay ANY artist what they deserve. Do you get paid for your job? And now Ellen is going to be an Idol judge. Last year American Idol lost 7% of their audience. Ellen has 4 daytime Emmy awards for best talk show host. She has a huge fan base. They need her more than she needs them. I can only imagine what she asked for and got as a salary. They wouldn't pay Paula Abdul what she wanted. Instead they forced her hand and left her no choice but to exit the show after offering her a lousy 10 million compared to Simon's 35 million. Randy is paid in Hot Dawgs.

All the train wrecks are going away. Britney, Paula, Paris. What is this world coming to?

End of chat.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Annoying Men

Santa Monica is a beach town. Fine.

But when we went to see the HILARIOUS (500) Days of Summer, this man felt it was appropriate to stick his bare foot up on another person's future arm rest.


At one point he had them both up. I started snapping away, thinking he would at least look over and see what the big white flash was all about but NO, he was all about his foot comfort.

Say it with me: BRAID YOUR LEG HAIR.

Friday, September 11, 2009

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

There is no city more beautiful than New York, even with some of its parts missing. It's like a soldier who has lost a limb; he's still a man. And New York is still the greatest city in the world.

Maman has been back in Paris for 2 weeks. Lindy's dog Yoshi lost a pound since The Food Patrol went back to France. My sister, as you all know, is The Food Police. It's hard to eat a meal with her at a restaurant.

Waiter: Can I take your order?
Me: Yes, I'll have the cheddar burg...
Lindy: COUGH
Me: Sea bass with a fully loaded baked pota...
Lindy: COUGH
Me: Broccoli with chee....
Lindy: COUGH
Me: Plain.
Waiter: Salad?
Me: I don't think...
Lindy: COUGH
Me: Yes.
Waiter: Dressing?
Me: Ranch....
Lindy: COUGH
Me: Plain.
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Me: A glass of...
Lindy: COUGH
Me: water with...
Lindy: COUGH
Me: No ice.

I read this post and wrote That One Girl and said I was going to drop off a case of beer at my local firehouse. Which is what you want at a big conflagration, thousands of drunk firefighters breathing on an active fire. She replied that firefighters love sweets and drink sub-par coffee. So yesterday I dropped off 2 bags of Famous Amos cookies and a pound of name brand coffee.

The firefighter kept thanking me and after all that goes on in this state, I felt ridiculous being thanked when all I did was walk into a store that was not on fire - and if it was I'm not very observant - and bought a few things.

So if you live in California, drop off a Costco pie or some name-brand coffee or whatever sweets you care to donate. Do it for That One Girl. Read her post Fire Burns and you'll understand why I say to do this in her name.

And honor every firefighter who gave his life on 9/11 and across the U.S.A.

End of chat.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Mary J. Blige Can Kiss My Ass

Her ATT commercial? With that song and all the switching of clothes?

"Them other women you done been with..."

Young girls look up to you, sing your songs and all you can teach them is bad grammar? ON A COMMERCIAL?

We have a hard enough time with Cher but we look the other way because Sonny is dead.

I saw a tee-shirt today that said The Jackson 4. I'm sorry, but that's some funny shit.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Friday, September 04, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Four more votes and now I'm tied for 9th place. Someone PLEASE break the tie. And remember, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how many people you disappoint along the way.

Yesterday I sent about 3 million emails that said "I've lost my checkbook and can't find it anywhere." Then I got 3 million responses along the lines of Please stop contacting me and Have you checked up your ass yet? I'm starting to see the appeal of Twitter.

And with Twitter, the x-ray vision of my Tweetees would have been able to see my misplaced checkbook from their home in Scottsdale.

I'm still living in the early zeros. Then no one knows if I'm referring to an era in time or their children.

I had 3 alarm clocks in my bedroom. One would break and I'd just pull out another one. This was my version of Crazy Cat Lady. When I got down to my travel alarm it was just sad. Especially since I don't have a job so why do I need an alarm clock? So I won't miss Regis and Kelly?

So I searched everywhere for a CD-themed alarm clock because I have hundreds of CDs. But now they only make them with IPod bays. Since the 80's, when everyone had a Walkman and now 20 years later has lost 40% of their hearing, I never put anything noise-related in my ears. I rarely use my cell phone because I'm not clear that all the data is in on brain cancer. Today's teenagers will tell us in 20 years only we'll miss the news because we'll be too hard of hearing.

I finally found one at Best Buy.

I stand in line and remark to the 12 year old cashier that the Sony appears to be cobbled together by Kleenex and a smile.

"It's a Sony," he whispered conspiratorially.
"I know."
"They make great stuff."

Did I have a used tissue stuffed up my sweater sleeve? Was I gathering my ratty shawl to my bony frame and shivering? Had I dragged my death bed along behind me? WHO DOESN'T KNOW A SONY MAKES GREAT STUFF? God, young people annoy me. But so does everyone else so there you have it.

Someone gave me this award and even though I usually keep all the info you're supposed to keep on an award I lost it on this particular one. Anyone?So, another day, another 25 cents.

End of chat.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

But Wait! There's More!

Thanks for the 9 extra votes! I thought I'd add something else for incentive. These napkins are still sealed and the 2 coasters look like they're vintage but they're not. But they are cool.

I'm taking a picture of my good foot as that will be added to the winnings. I have to figure out how to pack a foot and what size box to use and whether to send it Ground UPS or Fedex.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

There's Really Something Wrong With Me And I Blame You

For those of you who have not voted for me in the Blogger's Choice Best Humor Blogs (green patch at top right) I've now dropped to 11th place. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DEADBEATS that I love SOOOOOOO much and who return their love by NOT VOTING FOR ME?

SO, I'll give away one of my new tee shirts for votes. My logo is on a black shirt which is a preshrunk Hanes in sizes S, M, L, XL, XXL and XXXL. And has a 500 dollar bill pinned to the label.

There's a caveat; you need to get me as many votes as you can to win a shirt. And that means annoying your friends and who doesn't want to do that? If you've already voted I'll count that towards your final amount. Just tell me what name you voted under, and ask your friends too, and then have people send me their/your email so I can verify who they/you are. (SUZYSOROatAOL.COM)

I want to stay in the top ten.

Whoever gets the most votes for me gets a free shirt. If there's a tie, both (or all) will win. Contest open to U.S. and Canada only because you would not believe how much I've already spent on these shirts. Unless foreigners want to dump postage in my paypal account and then they're eligible. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? These rules are like an SAT test. In German.

This is a shameless, horrifying, really disgusting plug. But I know you won't be shocked by it as I am shameless, horrifying and disgusting. Who else could go from MOTHER GOING BLIND to FREE SHIRTS FOR VOTES?

End of chat.