Tuesday, December 25, 2007

The Christmas Rocking Horse

This year I put a stocking on my storage door, which is adjacent to my main door. I live in a place built in the 1950's, a typical Hollywood building with all the apartment doors emptying out onto a common walkway that wraps around the building. These are the gifts that I got. -A little roll of Fruit Tingles. Not the BIG roll, but the little roll because someone didn't want to spring for the extra 17 cents the big one costs.

-Some Mango Glycerin soap whose wrapper has warped and might have to be removed with a sledgehammer.

-A small bottle of hand lotion from a bathroom at the Bellagio Hotel so we all know how much that costs.

-And judging by the color design, a turtle candle that someone bought while they were tripping on blotter acid.

Because in my building, I am BELOVED.

This is my Christmas Rocking Horse where I store all the holiday cards I receive. And yes, it rocks back and forth. One year I had it out and I kept looking at it and thinking that it might be time to put it out to pasture at the Salvation Army, time to buy something newer and more modern. That same Christmas, the manager of our building, a psycho named Rhonda, was in my apartment visiting. She commented on how much she loved the horse so I asked her if she wanted it. "REALLY? I've loved that horse for years!"

So I gave it to her. Fast forward a few months and she and I were talking down by the pool and she mentioned that she had cleaned out her apartment and was cutting down on clutter. I thought nothing of it until two days later when I emptied my garbage into the big bins on the side of our building. There, sitting on top of a mound of garbage, was the Christmas Rocking Horse, lying on its side. Crying.

We have a lot of homeless that root through our garbage and I wondered if one of them had seen the horse buried and hidden and had placed it on top, hoping that someone would find it and give it a new home. After all, wouldn't finding a home be something of a priority for them?

I brought it upstairs and cleaned it. Rhonda was so psycho that I never mentioned it to her. She once chased a homeless woman away from our building and down the street. She would duck down in her apartment so the UPS and FedEx guys couldn't see her through her kitchen window and deliver the packages to her in case we weren't home. She lied if she did have a package for us because she might have wanted to watch TV instead of, you know, doing her JOB. Rhonda used to rag on all the tenants and then tell me I was her favorite because I never complained about anything. That was because I was afraid of her rage-filled outbursts. I'm embarrassed that I never did, especially since there were things to complain about. Hard to believe with all the complaining I do here, huh? Two years later she was fired.

I've never thought about giving away the Christmas Rocking Horse again. Mainly because what are the odds that I would have found it in the garbage, on that day, at that hour, in that manner? Every time I look at it, I think of that expression, "If you love something, let it go. If it's supposed to come back to you, it will." If only that worked with cash.

Merry Christmas.


  1. This year I decided to hang our Christmas stockings in the bathroom. I figured Santa has to pee eventually.

    Merry Christmas!

  2. I like the rocking horse.
    Merry Christmas!

  3. What great presents you got in your stocking! It never even occurred to me to hang a stocking on the door so my wonderful neighbors could show me how much they love me by putting cool presents in it. Maybe next year.

    Merry Christmas.

  4. So if you hate it what are you supposed to do with it? Stick it in your armpit until it passes out and leaves you alone?

    I'm sure psycho Rhonda was just sharing the Christmas spirit with the homeless people she loves so much to chase.

    Merry Christmas!

  5. I got a rocking horse about 20 years ago that looks very similar but it doesn't hold anything. Good for you. We don't have alot of homeless up here. Its too cold. I marveled about it when we were living in DC and there were so many on the mall. If i knew where you lived I would send you some REALLY HOMEMADE SOAP. (Thats my trademark). I make it in the off season. I almost thought to ask you...but it lasts a really long time and most people complain. My aunt complains bitterly. HAVE A VERY HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON! CHEERS. I don't think I'll win your contest. Too weird. I think the dildo squid beat me out. WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE? Not enough from the midwest. My dog brought a dead frozen owl in the garage today. Its Christmas so I'm letting him keep it. CHEERS! Anne

  6. Anonymous12:42 PM

    I'm cracking up at the cache you got in your stocking, but having the rocking horse back almost makes up for it. That turtle scares the crap out of me. You need to burn it down to a nub. Or re-gift it.

  7. Traci, look how rational and thoughtful you are when it comes to Santa.

    gm, thanks kiddo.

    Jay, I expect to hear from you next year on what you get. Maybe that will be my next Xmas contest.

    Anne, I don't know who the winner is at this point. I don't think I counted on all of you being so creative. I LOVED your entry and thought it was as whacked as I am.
    I'd love some of your soap btw. A frozen dead owl? I hope you took pictures!

    Kathy, I can't regift that candle, I'd be too embarrassed!

  8. Anonymous8:52 PM

    Hey I'll take the poor ugly little acid tripping turtle! That's more than I got in my stocking.

  9. boxersgalore, send me your address and I'll send you the turtle.

  10. Anonymous9:56 AM

    Suzy, Address has been sent. I'm excited about giving the ugly little turtle a forever home. I promise not to be like crazy ass Rhonda, he will never live in the dumpster!

  11. Anonymous10:56 AM

    I recall in a past blog that you had given homeless people some unexpeccted cash gifts. I truly believe that's why a homeless person may have participated in the return of your rocking horse.
    Martha Jane

  12. Okay now I am feeling bad for the inanimate rocking horse. You better give that horse a good home or the SPCA is going to show up.

  13. what an interesting story?! i'm glad you were able to rescue your rocking horse...it's very cute!

    :) D

  14. MJ, karma comes in all shapes, no?

    eileen, I'm keeping the horse. No need to call Michael Vick on me.

    shopaholic d, what have you done with a, b and c?

  15. Mainly because what are the odds that I would have found it in the garbage, on that day, at that hour, in that manner

    Karma indeed, suz. That rocking horse owns you.

  16. Anonymous4:10 PM

    How have I never heard of these Fruit Tingles?

    Don't these seem like they might all be from the same person?

    Your neighbor has given me a good idea. I'm staying at the Bellagio next month, so I'll be sure to collect bath products for next year's stockings.

    I'm so glad you rescued the rocking horse. Seriously.