Since my first book, Celebrity sTalker, was published, I've spent a lot of time on writer websites, figuring out what I did right, and what I did wrong. One of the following is what I did "wrong" but too late now! If you read my book, see if you can figure out which one.
AND ATTENTION ALL SMART-ALECKS: I DID NOT WRITE A CHRISTIAN NOVEL.
FALSE BEGINNINGS:
“I don’t like it when the main character dies at the end of Chapter 1. Why did I just spend all this time with this character? I feel cheated.” - Cricket Freeman, The August Agency
“I dislike opening scenes that you think are real, then the protagonist wakes up. It makes me feel cheated.”
- Laurie McLean, Foreword Literary
IN SCIENCE FICTION:
“A sci-fi novel that spends the first two pages describing the strange landscape.” - Chip MacGregor, MacGregor Literary
PROLOGUES:
“I’m not a fan of prologues, preferring to find myself in the midst of a moving plot on page 1 rather than being kept outside of it, or eased into it.” - Michelle Andelman, Regal Literary
“Most agents hate prologues. Just make the first chapter relevant and well written.” - Andrea Brown, Andrea Brown Literary Agency
“Prologues are usually a lazy way to give back-story chunks to the reader and can be handled with more finesse throughout the story. Damn the prologue, full speed ahead!” - Laurie McLean, Foreword Literary
EXPOSITION/DESCRIPTION:
“Perhaps my biggest pet peeve with an opening chapter is when an author features too much exposition – when they go beyond what is necessary for simply ‘setting the scene.’ I want to feel as if I’m in the hands of a master storyteller, and starting a story with long, flowery, overly-descriptive sentences (kind of like this one) makes the writer seem amateurish and the story contrived. Of course, an equally jarring beginning can be nearly as off-putting, and I hesitate to read on if I’m feeling disoriented by the fifth page. I enjoy when writers can find a good balance between exposition and mystery. Too much accounting always ruins the mystery of a novel, and the unknown is what propels us to read further.” - Peter Miller, PMA Literary and Film Management
“The [adjective] [adjective] sun rose in the [adjective] [adjective] sky, shedding its [adjective] light across the [adjective] [adjective] [adjective] land.” - Chip MacGregor, MacGregor Literary
“I dislike endless ‘laundry list’ character descriptions. For example: ‘She had eyes the color of a summer sky and long blonde hair that fell in ringlets past her shoulders. Her petite nose was the perfect size for her heart-shaped face. Her azure dress—with the empire waist and long, tight sleeves—sported tiny pearl buttons down the bodice. Ivory lace peeked out of the hem in front, blah, blah.’ Who cares! Work it into the story.” - Laurie McLean, Foreword Literary
STARTING TOO SLOW:
“Characters that are moving around doing little things, but essentially nothing. Washing dishes & thinking, staring out the window & thinking, tying shoes, thinking.” - Dan Lazar, Writers House
“I don’t really like ‘first day of school’ beginnings, ‘from the beginning of time,’ or ‘once upon a time.’ Specifically, I dislike a Chapter 1 in which nothing happens.” - Jessica Regel, Jean V. Naggar Literary Agency
IN CRIME FICTION:
“Someone squinting into the sunlight with a hangover in a crime novel. Good grief — been done a million times.” - Chip MacGregor, MacGregor Literary
IN FANTASY:
“Cliché openings in fantasy can include an opening scene set in a battle (and my peeve is that I don’t know any of the characters yet so why should I care about this battle) or with a pastoral scene where the protagonist is gathering herbs (I didn’t realize how common this is).” - Kristin Nelson, Nelson Literary
VOICE:
“I know this may sound obvious, but too much ‘telling’ vs. ‘showing’ in the first chapter is a definite warning sign for me. The first chapter should present a compelling scene, not a road map for the rest of the book. The goal is to make the reader curious about your characters, fill their heads with questions that must be answered, not fill them in on exactly where, when, who and how.” - Emily Sylvan Kim, Prospect Agency
“I hate reading purple prose – describing something so beautifully that has nothing to do with the actual story.” - Cherry Weiner, Cherry Weiner Literary
“A cheesy hook drives me nuts. They say ‘Open with a hook!’ to grab the reader. That’s true, but there’s a fine line between an intriguing hook and one that’s just silly. An example of a silly hook would be opening with a line of overtly sexual dialogue.” - Daniel Lazar, Writers House
“I don’t like an opening line that’s ‘My name is…,’ introducing the narrator to the reader so blatantly. There are far better ways in Chapter 1 to establish an instant connection between narrator and reader.” - Michelle Andelman, Regal Literary
“Sometimes a reasonably good writer will create an interesting character and describe him in a compelling way, but then he’ll turn out to be some unimportant bit player.” - Ellen Pepus, Signature Literary Agency
IN ROMANCE:
“In romance, I can’t stand this scenario: A woman is awakened to find a strange man in her bedroom—and then automatically finds him attractive. I’m sorry, but if I awoke to a strange man in my bedroom, I’d be reaching for a weapon—not admiring the view.” - Kristin Nelson, Nelson Literary Agency
IN A CHRISTIAN NOVEL:
“A rape scene in a Christian novel in the first chapter.” - Chip MacGregor, MacGregor Literary
CHARACTERS AND BACKSTORY:
“I don’t like descriptions of the characters where writers make them too perfect. Heroines (and heroes) who are described physically as being virtually unflawed come across as unrelatable and boring. No ‘flowing, wind-swept golden locks’; no ‘eyes as blue as the sky’; no ‘willowy, perfect figures.’ ” - Laura Bradford, Bradford Literary Agency
“Many writers express the character’s backstory before they get to the plot. Good writers will go back and cut that stuff out and get right to the plot. The character’s backstory stays with them—it’s in their DNA.”
- Adam Chromy, Movable Type Management
“I’m turned off when a writer feels the need to fill in all the backstory before starting the story; a story that opens on the protagonist’s mental reflection of their situation is a red flag.” - Stephany Evans, FinePrint Literary Management
“One of the biggest problems is the ‘information dump’ in the first few pages, where the author is trying to tell us everything we supposedly need to know to understand the story. Getting to know characters in a story is like getting to know people in real life. You find out their personality and details of their life over time.” - Rachelle Gardner, Books & Such Literary
This list taken from Writer Unboxed, a great website for writers.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Friday, April 05, 2013
I Nominated This For The Shorty Awards And For My (mostly) Selfless Act Got A Mention In Buzz Feed
BuzzFeed
NYC Based Web Series Brings The Laughs
The Louise Log: A Comedy Web Series appeals to Louie and Curb Your Enthusiasm fans.
posted on April 3, 2013 at 5:03pm EDT by Axton Ruiz
Comedy web series are a dime a dozen these days. Largely due to the fact we all have camera phones and think "if so and so can do it, I can surely do it". In reality we should wait for the professionals and spare our family members from enduring our had-to-be-there comedy videos. After our wait we then face the difficult task of finding the comedic gem in the proverbial haystack my father calls "the internets". Well take a break from your funny cat videos and collegehumor.com fart jokes because I have found a web series with the comedy trifecta: consistency, relatability and hilarity. If you love Curb your Enthusiasm or Louie, check out "The Louise Log" web series.
"The Louise Log", created by Anne Flournoy, follows a Greenwich Village wife and mother as she struggles with her overactive inner voice. Each video explores Louise's attitude towards a variety of mundane topics. The topics range from picking your kids up from school, running into an old (and now more successful) friend or being perpetually late. The situations are unsurprising and relatable however Louise's reactions and inner-dialogue brings layers of laughter to the series. Flournoy has created a character defined by her awareness and attitude towards the world. It's Louise's world and we're just living in it.
Praised by iconic film critic Roger Ebert, notable playwright Eve Ensler and my favorite actress from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Suzy Soro, if you haven't heard of "The Louise Log" now is the time to get hip. The web series is already nominated for "Best Web Show" at the upcoming Shorty Awards so it's just amount of time before Fournoy hits the mainstream.
Don't miss an episode and subscribe at The Louise Log website. Or follow her on Twitter and Like her Facebook page.
Copyright © 2013 BuzzFeed, Inc.
NYC Based Web Series Brings The Laughs
The Louise Log: A Comedy Web Series appeals to Louie and Curb Your Enthusiasm fans.
posted on April 3, 2013 at 5:03pm EDT by Axton Ruiz
Comedy web series are a dime a dozen these days. Largely due to the fact we all have camera phones and think "if so and so can do it, I can surely do it". In reality we should wait for the professionals and spare our family members from enduring our had-to-be-there comedy videos. After our wait we then face the difficult task of finding the comedic gem in the proverbial haystack my father calls "the internets". Well take a break from your funny cat videos and collegehumor.com fart jokes because I have found a web series with the comedy trifecta: consistency, relatability and hilarity. If you love Curb your Enthusiasm or Louie, check out "The Louise Log" web series.
Praised by iconic film critic Roger Ebert, notable playwright Eve Ensler and my favorite actress from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Suzy Soro, if you haven't heard of "The Louise Log" now is the time to get hip. The web series is already nominated for "Best Web Show" at the upcoming Shorty Awards so it's just amount of time before Fournoy hits the mainstream.
Don't miss an episode and subscribe at The Louise Log website. Or follow her on Twitter and Like her Facebook page.
Copyright © 2013 BuzzFeed, Inc.
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
How Many Mothers Does It Take To Drive You Crazy?
It’s said that you never understand your mother until you become a mother yourself. Unless you count my helicopter parenting of my dog in 1990 I never became a mother. At least not the kind that wasn’t followed by the F word.
I grew up in Maryland, south of the Bacon-Dixon Line as my sister Lindy used to call it, and you don’t know humiliation as a teenager in the suburbs until you’re at the mall and your French mom yells across a crowded store, “Suzeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, we finally found a brassiere small eeeeenough for you.” A French mom, just what every teenager needs to match her acne and double A cup bra.
Although Mom speaks English, it’s not her first language so some words still elude her:
MOM: If I'd had stinking balls I would have thrown zem at zose people.
ME: You mean a stink bomb?
MOM: Oui mon Dieu, STINKING BALLS.
and...
ME: How are you this morning?
MOM: Not gude, I was reaching for somesing and injured my rotating cup.
ME: You have a cup that rotates?
MOM: Don’t you know anysing about anatomy?
And she doesn’t understand idioms at all. At my 8th birthday party she told my little friends that “You can’t have your cake and eat it too” and they all burst into tears.
Talking on the phone with her requires enormous concentration and math skills. Recently she told me that "Things haven't been this bad since the end of the Civil War.” Apparently she's older than I thought. She’s lied about her age for so long that I’m now older than she is. She said she has a doctor's appointment on Dec 13, 1912. She'd better push that appointment up BECAUSE OH MY GOD HOW IS SHE STILL ALIVE?
When she makes her yearly pilgrimage from Paris to Los Angeles the first thing Mom notices is what's wrong with my hair; the first thing Mom doesn’t notice is my rage. She can never open her luggage upon arrival, the key is missing, lost, or stolen by the customs inspectors trying to make off with her 32 year-old house dress. Then she sighs and when my mother sighs, it's the sigh of a thousand failures, which the French perfected. She’s such an expert at it that once in a hotel room she sighed so loudly she inadvertently ordered room service. I always joke that I'm getting my mother a silver lining for her birthday. Really not a joke.
She stays six weeks with my sister and two weeks with me and Lindy and I live in the same city. She demands so much attention that my friends can’t reach me as I’m basically incommunicado, which is Latin for Close to a Nervous Breakdown. I’m not my mother’s favorite child, as you might have figured out by now. I figured it out after she gave me her wedding gown for my own marriage and she knows full well I look terrible in maternity clothes. I brought out my baby scrapbook one day and in a group picture from kindergarten asked Mom to pick me out. Apparently I was a Chinese kid
But the irritation goes both ways. Whereas I can sit in a chair for four days straight, mom can't sit still for two minutes. She starts dinner. At 11 am. She has this bad habit of opening a window wherever she is: a car, your home, in every room. Needless to say I'm afraid to fly with her. She snores as rhythmically as a metronome so it's really too bad I don't play a musical instrument. She always calls me by my sister's name during phone calls but when we hang up I make sure to say, "Goodbye Dad." And Mom, if you’re reading this, you can’t get Dad’s military pay because he’s been dead for ten years so NO I CAN'T CALL HIM FOR YOU.
I make fun of my mom a lot. In my act, on the Internet, and in real life. And the person who laughs the loudest is my mom. She’s a good sport about it all and I know she enjoys the attention. But it has occurred to me the reason she laughs is she probably doesn’t understand my jokes and wants to throw some stinking balls at my head.
I grew up in Maryland, south of the Bacon-Dixon Line as my sister Lindy used to call it, and you don’t know humiliation as a teenager in the suburbs until you’re at the mall and your French mom yells across a crowded store, “Suzeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, we finally found a brassiere small eeeeenough for you.” A French mom, just what every teenager needs to match her acne and double A cup bra.
Although Mom speaks English, it’s not her first language so some words still elude her:
MOM: If I'd had stinking balls I would have thrown zem at zose people.
ME: You mean a stink bomb?
MOM: Oui mon Dieu, STINKING BALLS.
and...
ME: How are you this morning?
MOM: Not gude, I was reaching for somesing and injured my rotating cup.
ME: You have a cup that rotates?
MOM: Don’t you know anysing about anatomy?
And she doesn’t understand idioms at all. At my 8th birthday party she told my little friends that “You can’t have your cake and eat it too” and they all burst into tears.
Talking on the phone with her requires enormous concentration and math skills. Recently she told me that "Things haven't been this bad since the end of the Civil War.” Apparently she's older than I thought. She’s lied about her age for so long that I’m now older than she is. She said she has a doctor's appointment on Dec 13, 1912. She'd better push that appointment up BECAUSE OH MY GOD HOW IS SHE STILL ALIVE?
When she makes her yearly pilgrimage from Paris to Los Angeles the first thing Mom notices is what's wrong with my hair; the first thing Mom doesn’t notice is my rage. She can never open her luggage upon arrival, the key is missing, lost, or stolen by the customs inspectors trying to make off with her 32 year-old house dress. Then she sighs and when my mother sighs, it's the sigh of a thousand failures, which the French perfected. She’s such an expert at it that once in a hotel room she sighed so loudly she inadvertently ordered room service. I always joke that I'm getting my mother a silver lining for her birthday. Really not a joke.
She stays six weeks with my sister and two weeks with me and Lindy and I live in the same city. She demands so much attention that my friends can’t reach me as I’m basically incommunicado, which is Latin for Close to a Nervous Breakdown. I’m not my mother’s favorite child, as you might have figured out by now. I figured it out after she gave me her wedding gown for my own marriage and she knows full well I look terrible in maternity clothes. I brought out my baby scrapbook one day and in a group picture from kindergarten asked Mom to pick me out. Apparently I was a Chinese kid
But the irritation goes both ways. Whereas I can sit in a chair for four days straight, mom can't sit still for two minutes. She starts dinner. At 11 am. She has this bad habit of opening a window wherever she is: a car, your home, in every room. Needless to say I'm afraid to fly with her. She snores as rhythmically as a metronome so it's really too bad I don't play a musical instrument. She always calls me by my sister's name during phone calls but when we hang up I make sure to say, "Goodbye Dad." And Mom, if you’re reading this, you can’t get Dad’s military pay because he’s been dead for ten years so NO I CAN'T CALL HIM FOR YOU.
I make fun of my mom a lot. In my act, on the Internet, and in real life. And the person who laughs the loudest is my mom. She’s a good sport about it all and I know she enjoys the attention. But it has occurred to me the reason she laughs is she probably doesn’t understand my jokes and wants to throw some stinking balls at my head.
Friday, March 29, 2013
L.A. Sign Of The Times #106
This picture was taken off my balcony. LA has spectacular sunsets due to all the smog. Don't ask me how that works because unless Ryan Gosling came up with that theory I'm not interested. My favorite part of the picture is the light down in the right hand corner.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
The 1 Question I've Never Been Asked
I did many interviews for my book, including one for author Jess Riley and this one, for author Adam Avitable. Adam asked me something that in over 80 career interviews I've never been asked. Which one of these 9 questions do you think it was?
1. Your book was a fascinating collection of chance celebrity encounters, stories about friends, and scandalous secrets. I guess my question is, how many sex tapes have you participated in?
I did two with a boyfriend in NY. We broke up after three years and all I could think about were those tapes. He was well known, although not in show business, and was a control freak. He routinely asked me to get his name tattooed on my left breast. This was years before Pam Anderson, Johnny Depp, and Angelina Jolie started marking up their bodies with the names of their love interests. My ex was ahead of the white trash times.
He and I are still friends and a few years ago I asked him if I could have my two tapes back, so I could destroy them.
“Two? Is that how many you think we did?”
“Well, uh, yeah.”
“You never could figure out when the red light was on.”
Which explains a lot about my show business career. And no, I didn’t tattoo his name on my left boob. I honestly don’t recognize the name that’s on there now.
2. How do you think your life would have changed if you had won the Star Search competition that you actually lost to Kermit Apio?
There were so many more people to battle before you got to the top tier of that show. Kermit was knocked out in the next round, which meant he wasn’t funny enough to win a second time. Which further cemented my belief that the judge who was so mean to me made sure I didn’t win my round because he knew I would have gone on to win. So in my version I would have won the second round, would now be spit-shining two Oscars, and be married to Ryan Gosling.
3. Do you think that there are any true, great celebrities anymore? What has reality TV done to the world of entertainment?
George Clooney is a great celebrity. So are Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. I Googled the greatest celebrities of all time and some guy had made a list on IMDb.com that included John Ratzenberger and Hilary Duff so my list might be off a little.
Reality TV has given everyday people the hope that they too can be on TV without having an ounce of talent. You no longer have to be thin, attractive or intelligent to be famous. So it’s made us all feel better about ourselves.
4. Your book is about your compulsion to go up and talk to celebrities. Has anyone ever done that to you?
About five years ago I was in a frozen yogurt shop and a woman stopped at my table and said, “OHMYGODYOU’RESUZYSORO.” I didn’t recognize her and asked where we’d met. She’d taken a standup comedy class and her teacher had taped me off a TV show and asked her to do my act for her final exam.
She’s probably still doing it.
5. I was surprised to see the serious turn of the book when you talked about the Hartman family. What made you decide to include that chapter among all the gossip and humor?
I loved Brynn and Phil and knew Brynn’s vilification in the press was never going to go away. At the same time I took the opportunity to screw the National Enquirer and risked that people who read what I did didn’t hate me for it. Brynn was a phenomenal friend to me, as was Phil, but I felt her side of the story needed to be told. One of their children wrote and thanked me for trying to preserve their mother’s name in spite of what she did. It was, obviously, a terrible time.
6. Name the top three celebrities who, if you saw them, you would run in the opposite direction. Why?
There aren’t any. I once made Flavor Flav take a picture with me. FLAVOR FLAV.
7. What does your sister think of the book?
She loved it but it depressed her because she forgot what a great life she used to have. And that she could have been Mrs. Johnny Carson. Snooze you lose.
8. If they made a movie version of this book, who would play you if you could cast anyone, dead or alive? Who would probably get cast instead?
If I cast: Amy Poehler
If Hollywood cast: Anne Hathaway
If mommies cast: Melissa McCarthy
If daddies cast: Sophia Vergara
9. Other than your book, what's your favorite book written in the last year?
Yours.
1. Your book was a fascinating collection of chance celebrity encounters, stories about friends, and scandalous secrets. I guess my question is, how many sex tapes have you participated in?
I did two with a boyfriend in NY. We broke up after three years and all I could think about were those tapes. He was well known, although not in show business, and was a control freak. He routinely asked me to get his name tattooed on my left breast. This was years before Pam Anderson, Johnny Depp, and Angelina Jolie started marking up their bodies with the names of their love interests. My ex was ahead of the white trash times.
He and I are still friends and a few years ago I asked him if I could have my two tapes back, so I could destroy them.
“Two? Is that how many you think we did?”
“Well, uh, yeah.”
“You never could figure out when the red light was on.”
Which explains a lot about my show business career. And no, I didn’t tattoo his name on my left boob. I honestly don’t recognize the name that’s on there now.
2. How do you think your life would have changed if you had won the Star Search competition that you actually lost to Kermit Apio?
There were so many more people to battle before you got to the top tier of that show. Kermit was knocked out in the next round, which meant he wasn’t funny enough to win a second time. Which further cemented my belief that the judge who was so mean to me made sure I didn’t win my round because he knew I would have gone on to win. So in my version I would have won the second round, would now be spit-shining two Oscars, and be married to Ryan Gosling.
3. Do you think that there are any true, great celebrities anymore? What has reality TV done to the world of entertainment?
George Clooney is a great celebrity. So are Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. I Googled the greatest celebrities of all time and some guy had made a list on IMDb.com that included John Ratzenberger and Hilary Duff so my list might be off a little.
Reality TV has given everyday people the hope that they too can be on TV without having an ounce of talent. You no longer have to be thin, attractive or intelligent to be famous. So it’s made us all feel better about ourselves.
4. Your book is about your compulsion to go up and talk to celebrities. Has anyone ever done that to you?
About five years ago I was in a frozen yogurt shop and a woman stopped at my table and said, “OHMYGODYOU’RESUZYSORO.” I didn’t recognize her and asked where we’d met. She’d taken a standup comedy class and her teacher had taped me off a TV show and asked her to do my act for her final exam.
She’s probably still doing it.
5. I was surprised to see the serious turn of the book when you talked about the Hartman family. What made you decide to include that chapter among all the gossip and humor?
I loved Brynn and Phil and knew Brynn’s vilification in the press was never going to go away. At the same time I took the opportunity to screw the National Enquirer and risked that people who read what I did didn’t hate me for it. Brynn was a phenomenal friend to me, as was Phil, but I felt her side of the story needed to be told. One of their children wrote and thanked me for trying to preserve their mother’s name in spite of what she did. It was, obviously, a terrible time.
6. Name the top three celebrities who, if you saw them, you would run in the opposite direction. Why?
There aren’t any. I once made Flavor Flav take a picture with me. FLAVOR FLAV.
7. What does your sister think of the book?
She loved it but it depressed her because she forgot what a great life she used to have. And that she could have been Mrs. Johnny Carson. Snooze you lose.
8. If they made a movie version of this book, who would play you if you could cast anyone, dead or alive? Who would probably get cast instead?
If I cast: Amy Poehler
If Hollywood cast: Anne Hathaway
If mommies cast: Melissa McCarthy
If daddies cast: Sophia Vergara
9. Other than your book, what's your favorite book written in the last year?
Yours.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Dancing With The Stars It Wasn't
A long time ago I was watching a talk show that shall remain nameless because I can't remember the name of it.
A. The host held an audience dance contest. There were four contestants: three women in their 30s and one woman who was 61. The three younger women were great; the 61 year-old looked like she was having a seizure. Who won?
B. Five years ago my family and I were on a cruise to Hawaii. There was a dance contest in one of the lounges so we went to observe and by observe I mean judge harshly. Three men danced on the stage first, then the three women danced afterwards. There was one hot guy, one average looking guy, and one chubby guy. The hot guy and the average guy were great dancers and the chubby guy couldn’t dance at all. Who won?
C. Then the women danced. There was one hot girl, one average looking girl, and one chubby girl. The hot girl spent all of her time dancing in the audience, having not understood the complicated request to dance on the stage. The average girl was the best dancer and the chubby girl couldn’t dance at all. Who won?
I wanted to put these answers upside down like they do in magazines but I don't know how to do that not to mention that's the most irritating thing about magazine quizzes.
ANSWERS:
A. 61 year-old woman having a seizure
B. Chubby guy who couldn't dance at all
C. Hot girl who didn't understand where to dance
JUDGMENTAL OBSERVATIONS:
A. We feel sorry for old people, but not sorry enough to hire them
B. Chubby men get more sympathy than chubby women
C. Hot girls win no matter how stupid they are
A. The host held an audience dance contest. There were four contestants: three women in their 30s and one woman who was 61. The three younger women were great; the 61 year-old looked like she was having a seizure. Who won?
B. Five years ago my family and I were on a cruise to Hawaii. There was a dance contest in one of the lounges so we went to observe and by observe I mean judge harshly. Three men danced on the stage first, then the three women danced afterwards. There was one hot guy, one average looking guy, and one chubby guy. The hot guy and the average guy were great dancers and the chubby guy couldn’t dance at all. Who won?
C. Then the women danced. There was one hot girl, one average looking girl, and one chubby girl. The hot girl spent all of her time dancing in the audience, having not understood the complicated request to dance on the stage. The average girl was the best dancer and the chubby girl couldn’t dance at all. Who won?
I wanted to put these answers upside down like they do in magazines but I don't know how to do that not to mention that's the most irritating thing about magazine quizzes.
ANSWERS:
A. 61 year-old woman having a seizure
B. Chubby guy who couldn't dance at all
C. Hot girl who didn't understand where to dance
JUDGMENTAL OBSERVATIONS:
A. We feel sorry for old people, but not sorry enough to hire them
B. Chubby men get more sympathy than chubby women
C. Hot girls win no matter how stupid they are
Monday, March 04, 2013
How To Go Insane
You start a blog.
Then you put a Followers widget on your blog.
Now you care about how many followers you have.
Then you start a Tumblr.
See above.
Then you join Twitter.
Now you care about how many followers you have.
Then you discover Favstar.
Now you care about how many stars you get.
Then you join Google Plus.
Now you care about how many circles you're in.
Then you join Facebook.
Now you care about how many Likes you have. (not really because hi it's Facebook)
Then you write a book.
Now you care about how many Amazon reviews you have.
Then you join Goodreads.
Now you care about how many friends you have.
I envy the Masai. Pretty sure they're not on social media.
Lucky bastards.
Then you put a Followers widget on your blog.
Now you care about how many followers you have.
Then you start a Tumblr.
See above.
Then you join Twitter.
Now you care about how many followers you have.
Then you discover Favstar.
Now you care about how many stars you get.
Then you join Google Plus.
Now you care about how many circles you're in.
Then you join Facebook.
Now you care about how many Likes you have. (not really because hi it's Facebook)
Then you write a book.
Now you care about how many Amazon reviews you have.
Then you join Goodreads.
Now you care about how many friends you have.
I envy the Masai. Pretty sure they're not on social media.
Lucky bastards.
Friday, March 01, 2013
My Book Is Free! For 3 Days Only!
If you have a Kindle, or have downloaded the free Kindle app for either your PC or Mac, (or tablet or phone or any other device I don't own) you can get my book, Celebrity sTalker, for free. It's available from Friday, March 1 to Sunday, March 3rd.
And if you want to read an excerpt, the post before this one has my run-in with Sly Stallone and my evil, but in great shape sister, Lindy.
Get the book here.
And if you want to read an excerpt, the post before this one has my run-in with Sly Stallone and my evil, but in great shape sister, Lindy.
Get the book here.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
An Excerpt From My Book, Celebrity sTalker
This is from the chapter on Sly Stallone: No Wonder I Never Wanted An Easy-Bake Oven.
I’m not in great shape. The only time anyone wrote “lots of abs” next to my name was in my attendance report from high school. So I joined a gym. You can’t not join a gym in Los Angeles. The authorities will find out and suddenly you’re on a billboard that says Got Fat?
So I Got Serious and hired a trainer, or rather hired the one that Bally’s Gym assigned to me. He'd been Mr. Bulgaria twice; Mr. Northern California in the early 90s and wrote three fitness books, which was three more than I'd written. I felt sorry for him; his business card was an unevenly sliced-up piece of Xerox paper. He was earnest and committed, probably had a family waiting in a cramped one-bedroom apartment somewhere in Koreatown, expecting him to put borscht on the table. He had that sad, vacant look that people who do not ever expect to catch up with life have. I have the same expression after I’ve had sex.
Mr. Bulgaria loved working out and assumed I did also because why else would I be at the gym?
Sidebar: Cute guys, the smoothie bar and cute guys. Oh yes, and cute guys.
I don’t understand why people love to sweat. “It gets out all the toxins.” If there are toxins leaking out of any part of me it means my alcohol levels are dangerously low so point me in the direction of a martini.
Maybe I’d love working out if I enjoyed eating. Then there would be a goal, to lose weight or keep a steady weight. But I hate eating even more than I hate working out. Hand me a pill marked LUNCH and I’m done until I’m handed a pill marked DINNER. Give me a purple drink like the one in the movie Barbarella. Jane Fonda drinks it when she wakes up from a hundred and fifty-four hour nap. Sounds like a perfect place to live; you drink your meals and get to nap for six days in a row. That movie was made in 1963 so apparently the future has let us down. And by us I mean me.
I don’t like to discuss food, shop for food or try the food at the trendy new restaurant in Who Cares, Connecticut. I lived with a man who used to drive me crazy because while we were eating breakfast he’d ask me what we should do for lunch. At lunch, he’d ask me what we should do for dinner. At dinner, he’d ask me what we should do for breakfast. No, we’re not still together, why do you ask?
When I do manage to eat something I inhale the whole thing and am then surprised to discover that it *serves 4.* Four what, anorexics? I can hardly wait until I’m rich enough to have Ina Garten move in. It’s the only reason I’m still breathing in and out.
The only machine I used regularly at the gym was the water fountain but I kept going because of the cute guys. And the smoothie bar. And oh yes, the cute guys. But sometime in the last few years the cute boys emigrated to marriage and the gym became a meeting place for old Chinese women. Mr. Bulgaria deftly escorts me through them as if he’s afraid I'll stop and spontaneously break into a mah-jongg game.
The gym rat in our family is my sister Lindy, who once graced the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine. Her nickname in college was The Body. My nickname in college was Can You Introduce Me to Your Sister. She goes around spewing communist propaganda like, “I’m really craving an apple.” Please, Johnny Appleseed didn’t crave an apple. If you’re at her house and want something fattening to eat, you have to lick the grease off her stove. She’s always telling me I don’t work out enough, that I don’t do enough aerobics. Like getting up from the couch and lying back down twenty times a night isn’t aerobic. Every time we have an earthquake I grab my Shake Weight so as to maximize the effects of the shifting tectonic plates. If that’s not dedication to exercise then I don’t know what is.
“How do I look in this bathing suit?” I once asked her.
“You look fabulous.” Then ten days later she saw me in shorts and said, “You look terrific; not like you did in that bathing suit.”
As for the rest of our family, we would rather die with a stent in our hearts than a deltoid on our wherever the hell the deltoid goes...
(...continued in book)
I’m not in great shape. The only time anyone wrote “lots of abs” next to my name was in my attendance report from high school. So I joined a gym. You can’t not join a gym in Los Angeles. The authorities will find out and suddenly you’re on a billboard that says Got Fat?
So I Got Serious and hired a trainer, or rather hired the one that Bally’s Gym assigned to me. He'd been Mr. Bulgaria twice; Mr. Northern California in the early 90s and wrote three fitness books, which was three more than I'd written. I felt sorry for him; his business card was an unevenly sliced-up piece of Xerox paper. He was earnest and committed, probably had a family waiting in a cramped one-bedroom apartment somewhere in Koreatown, expecting him to put borscht on the table. He had that sad, vacant look that people who do not ever expect to catch up with life have. I have the same expression after I’ve had sex.
Mr. Bulgaria loved working out and assumed I did also because why else would I be at the gym?
Sidebar: Cute guys, the smoothie bar and cute guys. Oh yes, and cute guys.
I don’t understand why people love to sweat. “It gets out all the toxins.” If there are toxins leaking out of any part of me it means my alcohol levels are dangerously low so point me in the direction of a martini.
Maybe I’d love working out if I enjoyed eating. Then there would be a goal, to lose weight or keep a steady weight. But I hate eating even more than I hate working out. Hand me a pill marked LUNCH and I’m done until I’m handed a pill marked DINNER. Give me a purple drink like the one in the movie Barbarella. Jane Fonda drinks it when she wakes up from a hundred and fifty-four hour nap. Sounds like a perfect place to live; you drink your meals and get to nap for six days in a row. That movie was made in 1963 so apparently the future has let us down. And by us I mean me.
I don’t like to discuss food, shop for food or try the food at the trendy new restaurant in Who Cares, Connecticut. I lived with a man who used to drive me crazy because while we were eating breakfast he’d ask me what we should do for lunch. At lunch, he’d ask me what we should do for dinner. At dinner, he’d ask me what we should do for breakfast. No, we’re not still together, why do you ask?
When I do manage to eat something I inhale the whole thing and am then surprised to discover that it *serves 4.* Four what, anorexics? I can hardly wait until I’m rich enough to have Ina Garten move in. It’s the only reason I’m still breathing in and out.
The only machine I used regularly at the gym was the water fountain but I kept going because of the cute guys. And the smoothie bar. And oh yes, the cute guys. But sometime in the last few years the cute boys emigrated to marriage and the gym became a meeting place for old Chinese women. Mr. Bulgaria deftly escorts me through them as if he’s afraid I'll stop and spontaneously break into a mah-jongg game.
The gym rat in our family is my sister Lindy, who once graced the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine. Her nickname in college was The Body. My nickname in college was Can You Introduce Me to Your Sister. She goes around spewing communist propaganda like, “I’m really craving an apple.” Please, Johnny Appleseed didn’t crave an apple. If you’re at her house and want something fattening to eat, you have to lick the grease off her stove. She’s always telling me I don’t work out enough, that I don’t do enough aerobics. Like getting up from the couch and lying back down twenty times a night isn’t aerobic. Every time we have an earthquake I grab my Shake Weight so as to maximize the effects of the shifting tectonic plates. If that’s not dedication to exercise then I don’t know what is.
“How do I look in this bathing suit?” I once asked her.
“You look fabulous.” Then ten days later she saw me in shorts and said, “You look terrific; not like you did in that bathing suit.”
As for the rest of our family, we would rather die with a stent in our hearts than a deltoid on our wherever the hell the deltoid goes...
(...continued in book)
Monday, February 11, 2013
The Top Ten Films of 2012
"This year I missed a few major releases, which is very rare for me. (I had a serious bike wreck and lost four family members). I’ll catch them eventually and I’m sure I’ll be super pissed as one of them will probably shatter me and I’ll obsess for years about it not having a chance to be fairly included. So, this year’s list for the first time comes with apologies to those filmmakers and my fingers are crossed that your shit sucks so I can feel justified. No, seriously. I’m rooting against you so I don’t look bad.
A very bright spot this year was the launch of Soro’s book Celebrity Stalker, currently on the Kindle Best Seller List in Pop Culture. When I first met her she mentioned that her blog was there for one reason and one reason only. A book deal. You have to admire and address when somebody achieves a huge goal they have set for themselves like that. A very heartfelt congratulations to her and a very huge buy the fucking book to you. --Abeyta
P.S. Love you Soro, and thanks for having me back. These aren’t in any order and you should see everything on the honorable mention list as well."
Zero Dark Thirty – Kathryn Bigelow was the first female director to win the Oscar™ which she accomplished by beating out her ex-husband. You may actually never see a more perfect sentence in the English language.
Holy Motors – “Unless you don’t like angry boners.” This is a perfect example of why nobody has EVER used my reviews for poster blurbs.
The Raid: Redemption – “Unless you don’t like Asians throwing refrigerators at each other.” Example #2
Django Unchained – Seriously, is Quentin Tarantino the only person in Hollywood having any fun at all making movies? I wish I could have been in the room when he told Harvey Weinstein he was going to do a long, slow tracking shot on the bottom of Jamie Fox’s balls. QT is among a very elite handful of directors who can do anything they want and he chose that. Just ponder that for a moment will you…
The Master – I was asked what I thought Paul Thomas Anderson was trying to say with The Master I responded with, I think he was trying to say, “Hi, I’m Paul Thomas Anderson and I make great fucking movies.” Joaquin Phoenix was a lock for best actor until he told the Academy they were bullshit. They should have just told him, “Didn’t you change your name to Leaf Phoenix for awhile? That’s actually bullshit because it’s a verb! Your words don’t hurt Joaquin because it appears you don’t actually understand how they work!”
Argo – So, you ever watch a movie and then about 20 minutes in you really start hoping that nobody has sex? Ben Affleck’s portrayal of the 1970s was so accurate that I started having a panic attack because I just knew somebody was going to take his or her pants off and it was going to be horrible! All hairy and probably like a 90% chance that one of those weird rubbery girdle things would show up. Sorry about that Oscar™ snub Ben, but let’s look at the bright side. You made an incredible film and you were never named Leaf.
Compliance – All of the tension of Argo, with the added bonus of naked jumping jacks! With all of the science and modern grooming techniques of 2012 available! Thank you dear sweet baby Jesus in heaven for allowing the gratuitous nudity to show up in Compliance and not Argo! I loved this film because it made people angry. Apparently, the Sundance Q and A almost ended in a fight. The events of Compliance happened. You are really going to wish they hadn’t, but they did. You are desperately and hopelessly going to wish you were part of a better species, but you aren’t.
The Avengers - Oh, your top ten list has a documentary on the oppression of the rural native tribe of all female trout fishers that were lost when Krakatoa erupted in 1883? Well, good for you! My top 10 has a Hulk!
The Grey - Liam Neeson fist-fighting wolves. If that’s a sentence that doesn’t get you out of the house I hope you already signed up for a medical alert service and have all your affairs in order. You're obviously just counting your days left here and joy can no longer penetrate your cold dead cynical heart.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower – You will have to trust me on this one. A stunning film about growing up and finding your place in the world even though you are a misfit. The absolute joy that comes with knowing that even though you are more broken than most there is a place for you in this world and that place is as beautiful as any.
Tout aussi honoré films comprennent:
West of Memphis, Looper, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, Cabin in the Woods, Wreck it Ralph, Moonrise Kingdom, Klown, Rust and Bone.
Saturday, February 09, 2013
I Made A Best Seller List
Update: This was a little premature. I'm already at #38.
Thanks to everyone who downloaded my book, Celebrity sTalker. Because of you I'm number 45 on Kindle's Top 100 Best Seller list in Pop Culture.
If you look closely at this cut and paste job below - from Amazon's page - I obviously have a lot to learn about re-sizing. The good news is mice can read it.
Thursday, February 07, 2013
LA Sign Of The Times #105
If you can find one home in Los Angeles that does not have a statue of the Buddha either inside or in their garden, I'll show you someone who just moved here and has not gotten with the program. We are very pro-Buddha out here. Ask us why and we'll say, "It was on sale."
This is mine, from Cambodia.
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