Wednesday, December 28, 2011

My Favorite Tweets Of 2011

People always ask me how I come up with a list of my favorite tweets each year. I pick the ones I wish I'd written.

@Cheeseboy22
I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my kids. I should really get them a twitter account.

@badbanana
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

@TrainedHedonist
If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling "Hey asshole, she's blind!"

@NickadooLA
I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@BSeanRoss
Blonde Zooey Deschanel in "Elf," or brunette in "New Girl," hard to figure out which one I'd least like to bang; probably Whitney Cummings.

@itsa_talia
Wine bottles should have twist off tops because it's hard to stop crying long enough to get the cork out.

@buck4itt
Starbucks was out of those little cardboard sleeves but my barista provided great customer service by letting me use his philosophy degree.

@MarinkaNYC
Casey Anthony not guilty, changes name to Susan B.

@JoeMande
Happy birthday to Scott Caan who is 5'5'' today.

@YUCKYBOT
"WE'RE PREGNANT!" --Guy who doesn't understand anatomy

@MrFornicator
You know what would be really cool? If we charged broke people for their own money. ~Prepaid Credit Card inventor

@AlbertBrooks
I hate the treadmill. I hate the stationary bike. I hate running in the street. Can't I stay in shape just by hating?

@preawsaurus
it's a sad state of the world when you can't let your 3yo out for a beer run without fearing he'll be kidnapped.

@Josh_Britain
I spend most of my weekends sitting outside the Macy's fitting room holding a purse so strangers think I have a girlfriend.

@MinutesofMayhem
A study's found that silver's no longer America's favourite car colour. Also, black's no longer America's favourite President colour.

@HeyitsLori
Writing a check at the grocery store is an excellent way of letting people know you have a plastic rain hat in your purse.

@JimGaffigan
I have more pictures of my kids than my Dad even looked at me.

@sarkastickunt
He said I should've been able to finish the laundry since I don't do anything all day and THAT is why I killed him officer.

@DoucheMcBaggus
Men have no shame, therefore, it's just another walk.

@kellyoxford
Taking notes in a small notebook when someone asked in shock “What are you doing?” 2011: When handwriting became suspicious.

@moooooog35
You know you're an asshole when you get sexted with "your dirty" and you reply, "you're."

@debontherocks
My mom is complaining no one can send me emails because I send them to "Snoops." Yes, mom, "Snoops" and I are why we can't have nice frauds.

@JohnFugelsang
One good thing about Facebook is how it will ultimately kill the entire high school reunion industry.

@AdInsanitum
Amazing that I can fit three laptops in the same space a social life used to take up!

@jennyandteets
My husband's ex girlfriend is sitting in her living room watching tv. Don't ask me how I got this information.

@BorowitzReport
If cavemen had Twitter we would still not have fire.

16 comments:

  1. Thank you for culling out the funny ones because, for the love of the Christ Child, there is a lot of crap on there.

    P.S. Don't be modest - you should have included some of your own!

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  2. Awesome! Thanks. I'm copying your idea for a post.

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  3. So funny. Never saw that one of Marinka's.

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  4. Great list!!!! I don't remember that many funny ones so thanks for putting them up there

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  5. Love this list. Every year. Can't wait to steal it.

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  6. I love your RT's. I have found the best people to follow that way.

    And Moooog and Cheeseboy Kill me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. and i rarely go there, still....

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  8. After the last week, I'm worried about being a shopaholic too.

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  9. the brother comment? I spit my coffee ALL over my new damn computer.

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  10. I'm dying here. I'm glad I had finished my coffee or my screen would be wearing it. Those are fabulous. Head shaking fabulous.

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  11. So honored to be on your list. Thanks!

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  12. If these don't explain why the world needs Twitter, then I don't know what does.

    I was looking through my favorites list trying to find a link I kept and noted that several of my favorites are your tweets.

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  13. Anonymous1:25 PM

    These are awesome! You are an excellent curator.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Tweets crack me up.

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