People always ask me how I come up with a list of my favorite tweets each year. I pick the ones I wish I'd written.
I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my kids. I should really get them a twitter account.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.
If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling "Hey asshole, she's blind!"
I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Blonde Zooey Deschanel in "Elf," or brunette in "New Girl," hard to figure out which one I'd least like to bang; probably Whitney Cummings.
Wine bottles should have twist off tops because it's hard to stop crying long enough to get the cork out.
Starbucks was out of those little cardboard sleeves but my barista provided great customer service by letting me use his philosophy degree.
Casey Anthony not guilty, changes name to Susan B.
Happy birthday to Scott Caan who is 5'5'' today.
"WE'RE PREGNANT!" --Guy who doesn't understand anatomy
You know what would be really cool? If we charged broke people for their own money. ~Prepaid Credit Card inventor
I hate the treadmill. I hate the stationary bike. I hate running in the street. Can't I stay in shape just by hating?
it's a sad state of the world when you can't let your 3yo out for a beer run without fearing he'll be kidnapped.
I spend most of my weekends sitting outside the Macy's fitting room holding a purse so strangers think I have a girlfriend.
A study's found that silver's no longer America's favourite car colour. Also, black's no longer America's favourite President colour.
Writing a check at the grocery store is an excellent way of letting people know you have a plastic rain hat in your purse.
I have more pictures of my kids than my Dad even looked at me.
He said I should've been able to finish the laundry since I don't do anything all day and THAT is why I killed him officer.
Men have no shame, therefore, it's just another walk.
Taking notes in a small notebook when someone asked in shock “What are you doing?” 2011: When handwriting became suspicious.
You know you're an asshole when you get sexted with "your dirty" and you reply, "you're."
My mom is complaining no one can send me emails because I send them to "Snoops." Yes, mom, "Snoops" and I are why we can't have nice frauds.
One good thing about Facebook is how it will ultimately kill the entire high school reunion industry.
Amazing that I can fit three laptops in the same space a social life used to take up!
My husband's ex girlfriend is sitting in her living room watching tv. Don't ask me how I got this information.
If cavemen had Twitter we would still not have fire.