Wednesday, December 28, 2011

My Favorite Tweets Of 2011

People always ask me how I come up with a list of my favorite tweets each year. I pick the ones I wish I'd written.

I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my kids. I should really get them a twitter account.

I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling "Hey asshole, she's blind!"

I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Blonde Zooey Deschanel in "Elf," or brunette in "New Girl," hard to figure out which one I'd least like to bang; probably Whitney Cummings.

Wine bottles should have twist off tops because it's hard to stop crying long enough to get the cork out.

Starbucks was out of those little cardboard sleeves but my barista provided great customer service by letting me use his philosophy degree.

Casey Anthony not guilty, changes name to Susan B.

Happy birthday to Scott Caan who is 5'5'' today.

"WE'RE PREGNANT!" --Guy who doesn't understand anatomy

You know what would be really cool? If we charged broke people for their own money. ~Prepaid Credit Card inventor

I hate the treadmill. I hate the stationary bike. I hate running in the street. Can't I stay in shape just by hating?

it's a sad state of the world when you can't let your 3yo out for a beer run without fearing he'll be kidnapped.

I spend most of my weekends sitting outside the Macy's fitting room holding a purse so strangers think I have a girlfriend.

A study's found that silver's no longer America's favourite car colour. Also, black's no longer America's favourite President colour.

Writing a check at the grocery store is an excellent way of letting people know you have a plastic rain hat in your purse.

I have more pictures of my kids than my Dad even looked at me.

He said I should've been able to finish the laundry since I don't do anything all day and THAT is why I killed him officer.

Men have no shame, therefore, it's just another walk.

Taking notes in a small notebook when someone asked in shock “What are you doing?” 2011: When handwriting became suspicious.

You know you're an asshole when you get sexted with "your dirty" and you reply, "you're."

My mom is complaining no one can send me emails because I send them to "Snoops." Yes, mom, "Snoops" and I are why we can't have nice frauds.

One good thing about Facebook is how it will ultimately kill the entire high school reunion industry.

Amazing that I can fit three laptops in the same space a social life used to take up!

My husband's ex girlfriend is sitting in her living room watching tv. Don't ask me how I got this information.

If cavemen had Twitter we would still not have fire.


  1. Thank you for culling out the funny ones because, for the love of the Christ Child, there is a lot of crap on there.

    P.S. Don't be modest - you should have included some of your own!

  2. Awesome! Thanks. I'm copying your idea for a post.

  3. So funny. Never saw that one of Marinka's.

  4. Great list!!!! I don't remember that many funny ones so thanks for putting them up there

  5. Love this list. Every year. Can't wait to steal it.

  6. I love your RT's. I have found the best people to follow that way.

    And Moooog and Cheeseboy Kill me.

  7. and i rarely go there, still....

  8. After the last week, I'm worried about being a shopaholic too.

  9. the brother comment? I spit my coffee ALL over my new damn computer.

  10. I'm dying here. I'm glad I had finished my coffee or my screen would be wearing it. Those are fabulous. Head shaking fabulous.

  11. So honored to be on your list. Thanks!

  12. If these don't explain why the world needs Twitter, then I don't know what does.

    I was looking through my favorites list trying to find a link I kept and noted that several of my favorites are your tweets.

  13. These are awesome! You are an excellent curator.

  14. Tweets crack me up.