Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Please Stop Hugging Me

I'm not a fan of the hug. What happened to just nodding vaguely in the direction of the other person while muttering hateful things under your breath?

I see people lurch towards me with outstretched arms, like some Frankenstein off his meds, and try to grasp me in a claw-like embrace that, were I anorexic, would kill me. Although once they've got me in their clutches, I want to be killed.

Some of the worst offenders of the hug:

The Mom Hugger:

Please take your snot filled sweater and your poop-stained hair and walk away. Keep going. No, further, I can still smell your diaper genie.



The Drunk Hugger:

Please breathe on me harder because I have a cold sore I need disintegrated.



The I've Never Met You Hugger:

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, PSYCHO.



The Lonely Hugger:

Yes, I can tell you have no friends because now my 34 C's are 32 A's. Let go. No seriously, LET GO.



The Uncle Hugger:

"Uncle" means Sex Offender. Look it up on the Internet. God knows you spend enough time there.



Female Celebrity Huggers Hugging Other Female Celebrities:


Not interesting unless they both have very big breasts.



My Mother Hugger:

You have me confused with your other daughter, the one you love.



When I got hired to do Seinfeld I was told it was a No Hugging Set. I thought they were geniuses.

20 comments:

  1. No hugging set. So funny.

    Uncle Hugger is my new favorite curse word.

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  2. Hugging has gotten completely out of control. I actually had to hug each of my (adult) students goodbye on their last day of class. I would have looked churlish to refuse, but really--is this necessary?!

    I was very happy not to have to hug you!

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  3. Oh, my god, you make me laugh so hard.

    I did pull the Frankenstein off meds on you in SD, but I WAS SO HAPPY I COULDN"T stop myself.

    A wave and a "Hey, Suzy" just wouldn't have done it.

    I'll take my chances.

    SO FUNNY.

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  4. I have been told I am not a "touchy feely" person and my entire family is. So I dread family events. I also had a boss inform a new hire in front of me "don't get in her area, she has space issues". This was the first I heard of it...Thanks for telling me I have issues.

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  5. OMG! I could totally hug you right now.

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  6. Is hugging at work a thing? Because I don't believe I've encountered that.

    People in Hollywood are weird.

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  7. I hug my kids -- occasionally. I used to work with someone who would tell me she loved me every day when she departed. Thank you Jesus, she didn't attempt a hug.

    Love,
    Lola

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  8. Just for that, when I actually come out to LA and meet your ass, I'm going to hug you. Long time.

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  9. I've been thinking about it and I realized that sometimes I hug someone in public if my boobs itch. It's a way to give them a little scratch without pawing at myself.

    Love,
    Lola

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  10. Damn. I am a HUGE hugger.


    but not you.


    I would NEVER hug you.

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  11. i HATE hugging.


    totally.

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  12. -->I love hugging but hate when the other person throws in the cheek kiss. It disturbs my whole hugging rhythm.

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  13. What - I was expecting a long one when I finally get to meet you. Oh well.

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  14. hahaha! love this! one of my friends' mottos is, Whitney Soup Hates Hugs. lol

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  15. Also not a hugger. Unless it's a sexual hug. From someone I find attractive.

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  16. I am a 32A but, due to excessive hugging, now have a concave chest. Be grateful for the cushioning barrier of your extra boobage.

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  17. The next person who hugs me and makes extremely high pitched kissing noises in my ear is getting icepicked.

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  18. I am SO going to uncle, I mean drunk hug you when finally we meet! :)

    Cheers,

    Casey

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  19. You should also have on there NO work hugs. Ugh...nothing worse than a retirement party/Christmas party where a coworker wants to hug me.
    Get off please. I don't like working with you, I certainly don't like you touching me after hours either.

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  20. I am soo anti-hugging..except for little kids since I'm a teacher. And i have a group of lifelong friends that are allowed to hug me. That is all.

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