Please Stop Hugging Me

I'm not a fan of the hug. What happened to just nodding vaguely in the direction of the other person while muttering hateful things under your breath?

I see people lurch towards me with outstretched arms, like some Frankenstein off his meds, and try to grasp me in a claw-like embrace that, were I anorexic, would kill me. Although once they've got me in their clutches, I want to be killed.

Some of the worst offenders of the hug:

The Mom Hugger:

Please take your snot filled sweater and your poop-stained hair and walk away. Keep going. No, further, I can still smell your diaper genie.



The Drunk Hugger:

Please breathe on me harder because I have a cold sore I need disintegrated.



The I've Never Met You Hugger:

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, PSYCHO.



The Lonely Hugger:

Yes, I can tell you have no friends because now my 34 C's are 32 A's. Let go. No seriously, LET GO.



The Uncle Hugger:

"Uncle" means Sex Offender. Look it up on the Internet. God knows you spend enough time there.



Female Celebrity Huggers Hugging Other Female Celebrities:


Not interesting unless they both have very big breasts.



My Mother Hugger:

You have me confused with your other daughter, the one you love.



When I got hired to do Seinfeld I was told it was a No Hugging Set. I thought they were geniuses.