I'm not a fan of the hug. What happened to just nodding vaguely in the direction of the other person while muttering hateful things under your breath?
I see people lurch towards me with outstretched arms, like some Frankenstein off his meds, and try to grasp me in a claw-like embrace that, were I anorexic, would kill me. Although once they've got me in their clutches, I want to be killed.
Some of the worst offenders of the hug:
The Mom Hugger:
Please take your snot filled sweater and your poop-stained hair and walk away. Keep going. No, further, I can still smell your diaper genie.
The Drunk Hugger:
Please breathe on me harder because I have a cold sore I need disintegrated.
The I've Never Met You Hugger:
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, PSYCHO.
The Lonely Hugger:
Yes, I can tell you have no friends because now my 34 C's are 32 A's. Let go. No seriously, LET GO.
The Uncle Hugger:
"Uncle" means Sex Offender. Look it up on the Internet. God knows you spend enough time there.
Female Celebrity Huggers Hugging Other Female Celebrities:
Not interesting unless they both have very big breasts.
My Mother Hugger:
You have me confused with your other daughter, the one you love.
When I got hired to do Seinfeld I was told it was a No Hugging Set. I thought they were geniuses.