Sunday, January 09, 2011

My Favorite Funniest Tweets Of 2010

Many of these went right into my act. And? It's a lot easier to pick jokes from others than to choose your own.



**Never brag that you can get ready in 2 minutes. Someone will see you later and say, What happened, you look like you got ready in 2 minutes.



**MTV has a new reality show called "I Used To Be Fat." I'm going to pitch them my reality show, "I Used To Watch MTV."



**Cops celebrating Christmas at a Mexican restaurant = Police Navidad.



**Today I got up on the wrong side of the floor.



**I've always lied about my age. Even when I was 2 I said I hadn't been born yet.



**My girlfriend lied to me and said she and her new boyfriend hadn't had sex yet. Please, I was driving the car.



**Costco changed their layout. What used to take me an hour to find I'm now just going to learn to live without.



**I'd like to hear the dinner table talk at Chris Martin's house: "Gwyneth, I'm the fucking singer."



**I hate it when you walk into those Spanish language classes and the teacher says Hola! Like we're all supposed to know what that means.



**I was talking to a guy at a bar and used the word germane and he said, “I don’t think the Germans pronounce the e.



**Our family crest is 4 people clutching dead memories and daring the others to let go first.



**I moved far away from my parents because they're annoying. When I meet the person who invented the telephone I will kill them.



**Never keep your flashlight and your vibrator in the same drawer because eventually? One night you're going to be very disappointed.



**I know it's football season but the only thing I know about sports is that OJ was guilty.



**The greatest thing about an earthquake warning is that there's really no reason to dust.



**This month is National Month Awareness Month.



**People think California never suffers from weather but today we're under a DQ Blizzard warning.



**I'm going to lie down and watch movies all day. Not sure the people at the Multiplex are going to be thrilled about that.



**My sister is so addicted to exercise she joined a 12 step program. I don't think it's working because now she's up to 24 steps.



**By the time I get back to a size 4 all the clothes in my closet will be vintage.

16 comments:

  1. you kill me...
    and that flashlight/vibrator one is gold

    Happy 2011

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  2. yay! i've been waiting for this post.

    and your list of tweets is WAY more hilarious than the previous one that listed other people's, by the way. fucking awesome.

    my two favs:

    **Our family crest is 4 people clutching dead memories and daring the others to let go first.

    **I'd like to hear the dinner table talk at Chris Martin's house: "Gwyneth, I'm the fucking singer."

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  3. Wondering why you didn't post this up first. I have to go back into archives bc I didn't see my favorites from you on there. I saved all the good ones that had me laughing out loud from you.

    I shall be back.

    You are the queen on Twitter.

    Still like, "going to lay down and watch movies all day..." hahaha

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  4. Oh NOW you tell me about the flashlight.
    You make me hee hee, giggle, snort, bwaahaha.... So, you know... thanks for that.

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  5. "Police Navidad." I feel silly for being so very amused by that.

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  6. Yeah, I was surprised that you didn't post this first. Ha ha

    But I star a lot A LOT of your tweets. Because you crack me up. xx

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  7. Funny stuff. BTW thanks for linking. Means a lot coming from someone I actually read.

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  8. Seriously. Love it! Esp the last one!!! So glad I found you on Twitter!

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  9. The family crest is hilarious! What's scary is I know people like that!

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  10. Great ones, especially the phone inventor.

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  11. Heh. Police navidad made me giggle.

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  12. farkin faaaaaaaaaaaar out, as john denver useta say ;)

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  13. Your Tweets always make me laugh. The other day I read one and I LOL, and re-Tweeted it. It was a few minutes later that I realized I didn't know what you were talking about. I had to go back and read your previous Tweets to get it, then I really LOL!

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  14. Thought they all were yours. (they are, aren't they?)

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  15. This month is national month awareness month.

    These are fantastic.

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