Friday, January 21, 2011

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

I've been on hiatus from bitching but I'm back so buckle up! And if you're new to this feature? Consider yourselves warned.



Blogs, Blogger, Blogging. When did this all go so horribly wrong?

People ask me why I hate blogs. Let me count the ways:

1. PEOPLE WHO POST EVERY DAY
I'm sure you think your life is fascinating and needs to be published on a daily basis. Really? Have you read you?

2. PEOPLE WHO THINK THEIR KIDS ARE THE CHRIST CHILD
The only cutesy thing I ever want to hear your child say is: "Mom, here's a sitcom contract and a million dollars for Suzy Soro." If, however, your child invents something to replace blogging, please call me at 1-800-WISHINGFORDEATH.

3. TRAVELING HUSBANDS
Where are your husbands traveling to all the time? To the towns where their second families live, that's where. Wake up and smell the alimony.

4. HUSBANDS WHO NEVER TRAVEL
Also boring.

5. YOUR RECIPES
Dear God the recipes! The moment I see the words "2 Teaspoons" I'm off to my Suicide Farm in the South of France. Seriously, if your kids didn't suck the pantry dry you'd be able to have meals out.

6. YOUR DIETS
Stop stuffing your feelings into enchiladas. Take up drug addiction or smoking, both of which are guaranteed to drop 10 pounds in a matter of days. I'll be in rehab if anyone wants me.

7. PICTURES OF YOUR GARDENS
Taking pictures of your heirloom tomatoes and flowers is the first sign of old age. My family did this and I have shelves of 8 millimeter films of roses blowing in a slight breeze with elevator music playing in the background and my sister and I hiding behind potted plants. I've spent entire therapy sessions asking my shrink WHY COULDN'T I JUST BE ADOPTED LIKE NORMAL CHINESE GIRL BABIES?

8. PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE FUNNY
Have you looked up the definition of Funny? Here it is: arousing or provoking laughter. Notice eye rolling is missing from the definition.

9. PEOPLE WHO THINK OTHER BLOGGERS ARE FUNNY
If you tell me that you FELL OUT OF YOUR CHAIR laughing at a site I will demand to see a picture of this event. The last person to fall out of a chair laughing was Jim Carrey and he was paid twenty million dollars to do it. You also did not LMAO at anyone's blog. Because if you had, pictures of you without an ass would have gone viral and you'd be negotiating a deal with Bravo TV for your own reality show, "Just Because You Don't Have An Ass Doesn't Mean You're Not An Asshole."

10. PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE CRAZY
Let me be the first to assure you that you're not crazy. Gary Busey is crazy. Living in Missouri with 2 kids, a cat, 2 dogs and a kooky neighbor is NOT crazy. It's what everyone else is doing. Sadly.

11. STOP THE POOP I WANT TO GET OFF
I never want to read about your kid's swirly poop, your wacky in-laws' disapproving poop, your boss and his executive poop, your divorced-and-fighting-the-prenup poop or the poop that ate Chicago. That I even have to mention this has set me back two years in therapy.


And to wind up Edition Number 107 of Everybody Can Bite Me Friday, I will leave you with this annoying factoid: J.K. Rowling had no middle name and UK publishers were afraid boys wouldn't want to buy the first Harry Potter book if they knew a woman named Joanne had written it. So she borrowed the name of a favorite relative and became J.K. Rowling. Maybe your kid or your heirloom tomato could find a cure for sexism. That would be great, thanks.

So the Bite Me Award of the Week goes to the Unimaginative Blogger. There's a big world out there! Go live it! I'd say I'll be waiting by my Google Reader but we all know I won't be.
End of chat.



***And if you think blogging is still popular or a way to get a book deal or make you famous, better read this first.



36 comments:

  1. Did you see that story on the Huffington Post--about the Earth having two suns next year in 2012?

    So I reckon the Mayans must have been right. 2012 is going to be the apocalypse. Finally, some good blog fodder.

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  2. fortunately for you my garden is under five feet of snow this morning.

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  3. Your humor is so ascerbic... and I love it.

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  4. Oh shoot! All that leaves are hot flashes and pets..

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  5. Sending hugs and smiles your way this morning, Suzy!

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  6. I always get comments from women that say "you made me pee."

    So I either fall under category #8, or under a separate category called "Your Blog Makes Females Incontinent."

    I never get 'you made me pee' comments from men, so either men have stronger bladders or I simply attract women who fail horribly at Kegels.

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  7. So funny! You really do make me laugh and smile! Thank you for being my daily dose of sunshine! Daily cuz I follow you on Twitter too!

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  8. And the post right after yours on my google reader was an enchilada recipe. That's the truth.

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  9. -->You forgot People Who Were Too Busy To Blog. They probably should have stayed busy.

    ~deb
    www.WebSavvyMom.com

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  10. Whew.

    I have failed/suceeded, depending on how you read this.

    My claim to fame? Leading my husband to the only blog he reads on his own, HotComesToDie.

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  11. OMG I JUST FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR!

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  12. I think I'm most of those....but I'm of a WTF mindset these days...and I don't garden. I murder any and all plant life. So, put one in the win column for me.

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  13. Aww...dang...

    I am SO guilty of much of your list...

    I would like to say, though, that I AM crazy and I have several doctors's notes to prove it! So nyah!

    Also, thanks a lot for bursting my I-have-a-blog-so-fame-and-fortune-can't-be-far-behind balloon. Meanie.

    It's lovely to have you back, Mizz Suzy - I was beginning to wonder if I was going to have to search out the pod...

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who may be guilthy of much of your list of blogg-y transgretions, but she's unrepentant about it)(also, you shouldn't make the excedingly pregnant woman laugh so hard - ow...)

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  14. Just left someone a comment today about having LMAO about her blog entry describing her prepping for a colonoscopy. It included references to ass explosions, and I was greatly amused.

    I'm like a walking, talking effing billboard for your post today.
    Go me.

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  15. Oh, now I see why you don't come read mine very often.

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  16. Being a pragmatist I look at blogging as an enjoyable hobby--not a route to riches and fame. Still, my husband does travel, I post most days, and my kids are cute. Now I feel like shooting myself.

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  17. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha. I am DYING laughing here. DYING. Ack! Oh there just went a bunch of coffee out my nose--right onto my effing keyboard. Oooooh man. You slay me, Suzy. Always. You slayer, you.

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  18. since I never write about any of that shit, and never ask you to read my fucking blog is that ok? can I keep blogging, plus I AM FUCKING CRAZY and I pay a hella copay and have recipes to prove I am queen nutbagolio, ok I'm not really crazy I have just brain damage but of course not the cool ass count cards at vegas and get underwear at kmart bran damage because life AINT fair, like that orange oppalmumpa and her bs waste of tree death.

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  19. lol.
    i can't wait to tell you about my four kids.

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  20. I just want you to know Moooooog35 is lying. Ive never told him he made me pee. ..... ever! He has made my eyes roll into the back of my head in pure ecstasy, but never pee. Maybe I wasn't suppose to tell that. Oopsie.
    Now this everyday blogger who isn't funny at fucking all, doesn't garden and who would sell her kids to the gypsies is going to back slowly out of this post. *whistles and walks away*

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  21. Wow, glad I finally made it over here. It's been a long day. I've been writing posts for everyday next week. Then I had to stop and bow to my son who wears a halo before packing a suitcase for my husband to go on his next business trip.
    Then I realized he travels all the time and I never do.
    But while packing I ran across some recipes and decided to revise my blog posts for next week. I hope it will draw attention to the new diet I'm on.
    Which brings me to my next subject. I'm worried that my tomato plants won't do as well this coming year and the pictures on my blog will not be as pretty.
    Oh, you know me, what with LMBO at your blog, making others laugh and dealing with this poopy new executive at work. . . it's been a long week. However, I'm just about as sad as I can be to know JK Rowlin is a woman. Who knew women could write so well.

    There you have it! Sister!

    Muah!!!

    P.s. If you see my husband traveling in California, you can have him! LOL
    xoxo

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  22. Nice try at making me feel totally insignificant and useless. I am going to keep blogging no matter what. I was going to say come hell or high water, but as that will most likely happen next year anyway, I figure why rush things? There's always the chance I will go from 75 followers to 100+. Hey...it could happen. Before we all burn and/or drown.

    Even if I don't have a uterus out of which I can shoot babies like poop through butter.

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  23. WHO FUCKING DIED AND LEFT YOU THE UGLY BLOG STICK TO BEAT US WITH?

    Look. While you're right, I still have this urge to use capital letters on your ass.

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  24. I love you Suzy!!!! It looks like you will never be reading me and my daily posts again lol. I hope you are having a fabulous weekend friend! Kori xoxo

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  25. I may show pictures of my kids on my blog, but I don't shove them down anyone's throat. And even though I'm biased, I know that my kids are damn cute. My husband doesn't travel. He puts out fires. What else? Oh, people who think they're crazy... they need to shut the fuck up.

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  26. Ok, first time for me at your blog....sort of intimidated by you. A little scared to comment. You certainly tell it like it is and for that I'm eternally grateful...athought perhaps you're doubting my sincerity.
    ...whatever...
    I did not fall out of my chair laughing, HOWEVER, I did laugh out loud at the Gary Busey comment.
    You are funny! I loved you...again, scared to say that lest you think I'm flattering you insincerely.
    Please don't come to my blog. I suspect I fell into several of the categories you hate.

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  27. I like my blog... I also like yours. I wonder what that says about you?

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  28. I know you hate Facebook, but please oh please spend a week there. At least for what it will give you for another post like this.

    You can start with the cut and paste statuses and go from there.

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  29. Well, can I TWEET about my innards and my wacky . . . eh, who cares. I'm going to read a book.

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  30. I wish you were my husband's second family.

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  31. Might have to link this to many of the blogs I read...oh oh or to my own??? :)

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  32. I forgot how much I LOVE everybody can bite me Friday. I think I'll go take an executive poop now.

    Cheers,

    Casey

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  33. Soooo...asking you to guest post is probably out of the question, entirely, huh?

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  34. 1. I'm too mentally exhuasted most days to blog daily.

    2 - 4. No Wife, Husband or Kids.

    5. When I post recipes; it generally means that it's good and quick, or at least well worth the effort ... though not necessarily healthy.

    6. I post occasional things about diet and health, but not "name" diets.

    7. Only garden pics if it's something really unusual like "you can see Jesus doing Mary Magdeline on this hot pepper."

    8. There is nothing funny on the internet, so please stop with the lol cats. (Dogs Rule!)

    9. I only once fell out of my chair laughing... stupid broken chair.

    On the other hand, given the nature of the internet, I would believe if people wrote "Fell out of my chair masturbating."

    10. Since psychiatrists have made just about everything some kind of syndrome, everyone IS crazy.

    11. Should be banned, as well as fart jokes.

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  35. Oh, I forgot to mention that J.K. Rowling was not the first for that particular Honor, there was also S.E. Hinton whose young adult novels I've enjoyed thoroughly.

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