Friday, April 30, 2010

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

The Doctor, the first boyfriend I had in NY, was on The Real Housewives of New York last night. While I Twittered with the East Coast one person remarked The Doctor wasn't good looking. So Connie, here's what he looked like when we first met. He's 18 years older than I am although I always say 20 because it makes me feel better. He has that Open Collar Chains Around The Neck thing going on and he's not even Italian.

Actually there was one boyfriend in front of him, Peter The Attorney. But it was doomed on the morning at his parent's house in Westhampton when Peter scratched his balls in front of his mother. Hand down the pants, scratching and jiggling as if The Holy Trinity had measles. Next! Peter and me a thousand years ago. I USED TO SMOKE!! And have Vidal Sassoon do my hair!!

All these *me* and *I* words that I have to conjugate correctly. Large groan on toast.

Back to The Doctor. There's nothing quite so infuriating as being in show business and spending enormous amounts of time trying to get back on TV and seeing your millionaire ex with his townhouse in Manhattan and his home in upstate New York appear on a TV show. Rude.

The Doctor was married when I met him. He and The Countess had an open marriage. Sometimes she and her boyfriend and The Doctor and I would double date. The Doctor and The Countess sat up front in their black Mercedes while her boyfriend and I sat in the back, sobbing and looking forward to a free meal.

The Doctor cheated on me. He had lots of girlfriends all over the U.S. and probably Canada. He also raced a Formula Atlantic and owned the car in the above picture. Women love a race car driver so never buy your man a $500,000 car.

Many people think sex addiction is just a phrase that's used as an excuse for bad behavior. And now some neurosurgeons believe the brain can tell whether or not you're predisposed to cheating. So not only does a person have to pass muster in the Car, Shoes and Penis Length department, now he'd better show up with an MRI. One clear of pale red blobs on either side of the temporal lobes.

The Doctor was not only a cheater but a control freak as well. It appears Tiger Woods is also and Jesse James?

The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own..." James told People.

LET your wife? It's 2010, asshole, not 1959. Sandy, leave the kids and run for your life. Jesse will find another babysitter, I mean stepmother, and then those kids will be out of your life in any event. You are setting them up for a world of hurt by staying in their lives. My Dad had 4 wives, I know what I'm talking about.

Yesterday's Oprah with Rielle Hunter talking about John Edwards unearthed the worst kind of cheater. The cheater who falls in love. If a man is cheating for sex alone yes, it means there's something wrong in the marriage and if you believe in sex addiction, something wrong with the man. But when he falls in love? Just call your attorney and get on with your life.

So to all the men who dare to cheat on movie stars or have the nerve to appear on TV shows before their ex-girlfriend becomes a TV star, I award you the coveted, only not really, Bite Me Award.

End of chat.


  1. I KNEW I should have stayed up late to watch that show. Instead, I was in the bathroom experiencing what the REST of my class has been doing all week.

    Losing weight.

    (And my word v. is pu-me-lega. no joke.

  2. Can't wait to get this season of RHONYC here - Where does the Dr fit in exactly?

    Do you think 'sex addict' is the new word for 'egotistical arsehole with a small dick syndrome?' I think so.

    LOVE the Vidal Sassoon look. Tres chic xx

  3. That is my new favorite picture of you. It is so adorable I can't stand it.

    BTW, Your blog posts are really funny lately. Always. (SHUT UP)

  4. fantastic post and thank you for shedding light on the doctor from last night's RHONY episode. he is very attractive in that photo. i love your hair in the second one. the hairstyle and look reminds me of someone, but i can't think of her name. i can't wait for the doc to read your post and leave a comment for you. be sure to share it with your fans, or have you already emailed each other? sorry, i'm meddlesome. take care, Suzy.

  5. Yes. But who is sitting next to The Doctor, wearing LEATHER pants? Great post btw.

  6. -->I love that picture of you. I want your hair around and then see it land in the same place. See, this is what curly haired people fantasize about. Well, not really but it is something I've never experienced. Reminds me of Captain and Tennille, I think Tenille is the lady? Before you say it, I hear the Bite Me already.

  7. Yes, it does look like Tennille, and that pose with the cigarettes - you looked so hot back then (well, now too)

  8. *sigh* the old american 'dream' lives on...

  9. Love your VS hair!

  10. If you want me to reply to your comments don't forget to enable your email as I do not answer comments on my blog.

    To me it's just a cheap way to get more comments and homie don't play cheap.

  11. your old BF was the doctor the new housewife went to? at least you have some photos from your past. most of mine have disappeared, thanks in part from moving upteen times.

    enjoying your blog!

  12. ya alreddy got my email addy... not making it public :P lol

  13. Anonymous6:13 PM

    Suzy, Suzy, Suzy. You are way hotter than Tennille and smoking makes you look cool. I always offer young people cigarettes to heighten their hip factor.
    OK, I am confused, I missed something on RHONY. Who is your ex dating on this show? I am assuming the singing Countess de LeSLOP? Maybe your Doctor was her first husband.
    I do wholeheartedly believe in the wisdom of LuAnn's off key lyrics, "Money can't buy you class, it must be learned." These heavy words are only outweighed by her "Native American" jewelry that she sports in a shameless and insincere effort to relate to her mother she keeps hidden in the laundry room.
    I know two people who worked for Jill Zarin and the reports are not good. I have passed her husband's fabric empire a few times, the bitch has 'TEAM JILL" tee shirts in all the windows but I suspect she is losing as the windows are covered in smashed eggs. I am not kidding and I had nothing to do with it.
    I hear tell Jill does a lot of CHARIDY work, that means you do not pronounce the letter T and that you exclude people from your "Charidy" event cuz it's all about giving.
    Somebody tried to blow up Times Square last night so forgive me if I focus on the likes of Jill Zarin and her $16.000 purse.
    Mrs. Zarin does provide a distraction from the realities of NYC life which ironically, is a "real" comfort. I just wish she showed the same respect for humans as she does her Chihauha whose shit we are all cleaning up after in one way or another.
    Thanks for bringing back "Bite Me" Friday.
    X David

  14. This is exactly why I don't buy my boyfriends $500,000 race cars. I'm tired of the girls sniffing about him...

    I love the open marriage story-going to a free dinner,riding in the back of the car with the other third wheel. Classic.

    Sexual's the new black.