It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Just when you thought you might have to take the fat from under your upper arms and have it injected into your ass, along comes the Butt Lifter. This is the kind of thing you'd be wearing on the one day you meet someone you'd actually like to have sex with. Then you'd have to spend an hour in his bathroom taking it off and then you'd remember you left your purse in his living room and so where are you going to hide it and at that point you might as well put it back on and say you think you left your oven on and just leave, hoping he doesn't notice you've stolen his Xanax from the medicine cabinet.

You can get a butt lift from a plastic surgeon but it's a lot more expensive than the butt lifter above. They cut a hole in the top of your head and pull all your skin up about 4 feet. Your butt might now be your new back but hey, it's lifted! As everyone who reads me knows, I've had plastic surgery. And I can spot it from across a sale's rack at Barney's, which is impossible because I never go to a sale at Barney's. Because I admit to it people always ask me if they should have it. They claim they want my honest opinion but they really don't. They want to be told they look perfect and beautiful the way they are and frankly, that gene pool isn't as large as we'd all like to believe. I'm still embarrassed about the one person I lied to back in NYC. A comic who had Alfred Hitchcock's jowls and no chin. I said I didn't think he needed his face done.

The downside of that lie was that everyone in hearing range later suggested I might be going blind.

Rude.

This is a picture of actor Bill Pullman, Meg Ryan's fiancé in Sleepless in Seattle. It was taken after he had a forehead lift. Or maybe he was just wearing the Butt Lifter and his face is contorted because it was pinching The Holy Trinity. Please don't write me and tell me I'm going to hell for that. I'm in show business in fucking Hollywood. I'M ALREADY IN HELL.

OPI named the above nail polish Suzi Says Feng Shui. Besides spelling my name wrong, they also apparently talked to my friends, family and former clients. I've done interior redesign for many, many years. When I walk into people's homes they ask me what I'm going to do and I always say Feng Shui.

So thanks for stealing my life, OPI, and I hope you choke on the profits.

In closing, and I bet you're thanking God right now that I'm at the end, I'd like to empathize with all the people who I know are going through dental hell along with me and my Bridge To Nowhere. The last time I went in they said "You haven't healed yet so you'll have to come back in 3 weeks and before you go could we borrow your credit card for a few minutes?"

So this one's for you Dr. Goebbels and staff: