Friday, April 02, 2010

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Just when you thought you might have to take the fat from under your upper arms and have it injected into your ass, along comes the Butt Lifter. This is the kind of thing you'd be wearing on the one day you meet someone you'd actually like to have sex with. Then you'd have to spend an hour in his bathroom taking it off and then you'd remember you left your purse in his living room and so where are you going to hide it and at that point you might as well put it back on and say you think you left your oven on and just leave, hoping he doesn't notice you've stolen his Xanax from the medicine cabinet.

You can get a butt lift from a plastic surgeon but it's a lot more expensive than the butt lifter above. They cut a hole in the top of your head and pull all your skin up about 4 feet. Your butt might now be your new back but hey, it's lifted! As everyone who reads me knows, I've had plastic surgery. And I can spot it from across a sale's rack at Barney's, which is impossible because I never go to a sale at Barney's. Because I admit to it people always ask me if they should have it. They claim they want my honest opinion but they really don't. They want to be told they look perfect and beautiful the way they are and frankly, that gene pool isn't as large as we'd all like to believe. I'm still embarrassed about the one person I lied to back in NYC. A comic who had Alfred Hitchcock's jowls and no chin. I said I didn't think he needed his face done.

The downside of that lie was that everyone in hearing range later suggested I might be going blind.

Rude.

This is a picture of actor Bill Pullman, Meg Ryan's fiancé in Sleepless in Seattle. It was taken after he had a forehead lift. Or maybe he was just wearing the Butt Lifter and his face is contorted because it was pinching The Holy Trinity. Please don't write me and tell me I'm going to hell for that. I'm in show business in fucking Hollywood. I'M ALREADY IN HELL.

OPI named the above nail polish Suzi Says Feng Shui. Besides spelling my name wrong, they also apparently talked to my friends, family and former clients. I've done interior redesign for many, many years. When I walk into people's homes they ask me what I'm going to do and I always say Feng Shui.

So thanks for stealing my life, OPI, and I hope you choke on the profits.

In closing, and I bet you're thanking God right now that I'm at the end, I'd like to empathize with all the people who I know are going through dental hell along with me and my Bridge To Nowhere. The last time I went in they said "You haven't healed yet so you'll have to come back in 3 weeks and before you go could we borrow your credit card for a few minutes?"

So this one's for you Dr. Goebbels and staff:

30 comments:

  1. -->At least the nail color is a cool one. Ever heard of Debbie Does Dallas?

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  2. Does the butt lifter work if you don't have an ass to lift?

    I think I may have to stick with those silly clenching exercises.

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  3. That is supposed to go on your ass? Okay...but I don't know if he'll stand still long enough for me to put it on him.


    Also OPI needs to stop stealing from you. Don't they know who you are?

    And finally Bill Pullman? Are you sure? He looks like Melanie Griffin.

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  4. Fitting post today for me. I'm in the throws of the furtive double finger lift every time I walk past a mirror.

    On the other side...I'd need a hammock to lift this ass!

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  5. The Holy Trinity? It took me a moment and then I laughed. Just when I thought I had heard it all you open your mouth.

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  7. I hear ya on the dental thing, sister. I had a front tooth crack in half and they told me they couldn't superglue it back together so out it went. But wait! We can put in an implant and it will only take 3 months - we put the base in your jawbone, let the bone grow in, srew the implant into the base, cement it down, aaaand we're done. EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER, after FOUR tries, they finally got everything right!

    On the other hand, although they stole it from you, I do like the blue. Although I've always pictured you as more of a darkish mauve. Or maybe I mean maude, but darkish for sure.

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  8. please when you have had your 13th root canal like I have then call me.

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  9. Forget the butt lifter, I'll just settle for having her original butt. Which honestly, does not look bad to me.

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  10. That's really a picture of Bill Pullman? Wow. He does not look good.

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  11. I saw an add recently for "Booty Pops", a coupla self adhesive pads designed to be affixd to a less then bodacious set o' cheeks for added voluptuosity.

    "Booty Pops", sounds like ass candy on a stick. Thats not good.

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  12. "and before you go could we borrow your credit card for a few minutes?"

    - Bwa-HAHAHAHA!!!!

    And nice poignant Bite Me Friday there with the whole dental thing.

    And do men look worse than women after bad plastic surgery, or have we just gotten used to seeing it on women and think it's normal?

    I saw Rachel Welch on CNN last night (or the night before, with my brain who knows which one it was) and while she looked ridiculously smooth, she looked good for a fake face. The big mystery though was that her neck looked good. Nobody's neck looks good. Doesn't everybody's neck look twice as old as their face? Did she do something there that nobody else does?

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  13. my butt feels funny.

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  14. I think Bill Pullman should write "Fu&ked up my Face" across his forehead with that pretty blue nail polish.

    Just a thought.

    SLC

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  15. Thanks for reminding me it's time for more Botox.

    Poor Bill Pullman, he used to be so handsome. I wonder, did he go to the same plastic surgeon as Kenny Rogers?

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  16. Is that your butt there? Looks pretty good for a comic.

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  17. Okay, that butt lifter is too far. How do you hids those kind of panty lines?

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  18. Thank goodness both of my kids have nice bubble butts. They won't have to go through all the suffering.
    I never had much of an ass and when I lose weight, it's my butt and boobs that go first.

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  19. Wow, I didn't even RECOGNISE Bill Pullman. He used to be cute. Is his goofy sidewards smile going to start at his earlobe soon? Eeeek.

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  20. Why do they always show those get ups on a skinny fit betch? I want to see if it works on my fat saggy ass! Happy Easter!

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  21. I am STILL looking at his picture.

    why, Bill? WHY??????

    jesus, it's a Mickey Rourke rerun.

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  22. I've had plastic surgery too. I'd rather have more surgery than tangle myself up in that Butt Lifter.

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  23. I'm totally down for the uplifting of the buns. Can you sign me up?

    I have to get a new crown because one of my old fillings just split in two. Shit. I can't afford MY SHARE of the dental bill, since insurance only covers a bobbypin's worth. Asshats.

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  24. is 'have sex' the same as 'take a shit'?

    first, 'have' it where, second, 'take' it to what location?

    :P lol

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  25. A butt lifter? Woo hoo! It's about time. Anyone looking to buy a barely used Stairmaster???

    Oh, poor Bill. Any chance that'll relax a bit? I would HATE to be in the public eye. Being anonymous means you can go get plastic surgery and successfully avoid cameras for the first year. :o)

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  26. Bill. Oh Bill. I wondered where you'd gone. Now I realise you may have been in the last five movies I've seen and I just haven't recognised you.
    Sad. V sad.

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  27. Your first paragraph made me cackle.

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  28. Oh my god you crack me up. Just today at the grocery, the ASSt. Mgr. was bagging my groceries and she had the perkiest bottom I've seen in a long time. Now I'm not usually one to check out other women's asses (sober), but I literally had to stop myself from saying "Your ass is magnificent!"

    Now I wonder if it was real or was it butt-lifter?

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  29. heehee.

    "Can we borrow your credit card for a few minutes."

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