Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Ellen Had It So I Wanted One Two Three Four

Right up there with having no makeup on and running into an ex-boyfriend with his new 21 year old girlfriend and being forced to eat tofu at a vegan restaurant because they don't have real food is my favorite pastime, working out.

I keep my free weights arranged like they do at the gym, all lined up in order of size. I have purple ankle weights to go with one of my workout ensembles although *ensembles* may be too strong a word for a torn black tee shirt and grey bicycle shorts that give me camel toe and are incidentally, nowhere near purple on the color wheel. My favorite is the 10 pound copper weight slash weapon that I got at the Salvation Army. Copper is so in this year and you'd know that if you regularly checked the What's In What's Out page of Harper's Bazaar. And who doesn't do that before you shop for exercise equipment?

I also use my blue Bun & Thigh Roller and keep it handy at all times. And by handy I mean next door in my storage unit, conveniently close to a trash can in case one day I have the strength to lift it and dispose of it properly.

When I saw the Shake Weight on Ellen I thought all my prayers were answered because they must have had me in mind: *A Dumbbell for Lazy People and by Lazy People we mean Suzy Soro in Hollywood, California.*

If they had only named it that I would now be wealthy and not have to answer my comments or follow people back.

Even though the premise seems simple enough, it just proves how little I know because the Shake Weight comes with a DVD to show you how to use it properly. This is the woman in the video, Anna Recksick.

Dear God in heaven I think women the world over long to be thin but do not want to be mistaken for a sinewy piece of beef hung up in a butcher's freezer. In the shot below, the space between her legs looks like one of the spans celebrated in the book The Bridges of Madison County.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say this woman has I GIVE BLOW JOBS AT AUDITIONS written all over her.

End of chat.


  1. The weights themselves would be much more appealing if they came in chocolate, strawberry or vanilla like other shakes.

    I think the woman in the video is....I don't even know. I guess you can be too skinny.

  2. That must be what Madonna and SJP are using.

  3. what a fantabulous invention. my mom and i still have our ThighMaster. suzanne somers really knew how to work that thing. i never noticed a difference in my thighs, but sometimes it made me feel "funny." take care.

  4. Wait, it vibrates??

    send me one.

  5. Do flat screens make you look thinner? I'm thinking I've got to get on TV.

  6. This woman looks like one of the early designs of some product that gets improved before being released in a final version that will sell.

  7. Anonymous3:41 PM

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks of oral sex when I see this commercial. You absolutely know for sure that a man thought of this while watching Jenna Jameson in the background.

  8. Gawd, Shake Weight is sexy.

    While I don't TECHNICALLY have a penis and I'm not TECHNICALLY gay, I'm still looking for a woman who uses this to service me.

    I'll be in touch.

  9. so ok, what's this 'weights' jazz all about?

    and why is that skinny thing, uh... dribbling? :O lol

  10. I laughed like 5 times out of my mouth.

    The fact that I haven't slept in two days had nothing to do with it.

    Except now I'm sobbing.


    (i really did lololol)

  11. I've seen those commercials but it's usually the male version where it looks like they're having way too much fun.

    I'm surprised that woman can actually lift that thing!

  12. I am coming over to train you for free so if you die on me I can just tell them I was working out WITH you

  13. Anonymous7:22 AM

    OMG... have seen this advertised on TV and have had all the same thoughts. My question is, does it fit in her mouth?? Erm, for practice sessions.


  14. Sorry, Anna is just a little (well, a heck of a lot) too thin for me. And those arms? Sorry, she wouldn't even get in the room for my auditions.

  15. LMAO!! You crack me up!!!

  16. Anonymous10:32 AM

    The shake weight is good practice for receiving a Pearl Necklace only, the demonstrated fast action is far too aggressive for BJ's. Slow and steady is best, no need to rub a lad's layer of skin off.
    As for your silver and black hand weights, I use mine as bookends. Seriously, they work well and look like some expensive piece of art you bought at The Museum of Modern Art's gift shop. They also make great door stoppers, just lie one across the other in a cross or tee shape, you will be impressed. I do not know what I would do with the plastic copper weight but I'll give it some thought. Maybe use it as ballast while hot air ballooning over wine country?
    X David

  17. These girls in the commercial are really having way too much fun with the vibrating and shaking action... but they are getting super ripped at the same time! Did you really get one of these? Can't wait to hear how it goes! =)

  18. Oh, my gosh, Wallis Simpson was wrong: you CAN be too skinny.

    That chick on the DVD looks like a stretched out plastic jumprope.

    No thank you, I'll keep my fat ass. At least you can't drive a truck in between my thighs.

    P.S, Don't know why I never found you are incredibly fun to read. You're now on my blogroll.