Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Where Did All The Bloggers Go?

Once I was babysitting my sister's first dog. He had horrible skin allergies and scratched himself constantly. After hours and hours of this, I gave him a Benadryl. Then he went crazy and turned in circles for more hours and hours and I ended up having to walk him at 2:30 a.m. because I thought he just had to go outside. I found out the next day that there is doggie Benadryl and I shouldn't have given him human Benadryl. From that moment on, we called him "Mommy Tried To Kill Me."

Well Twitter Is Trying To Kill Me.

There was an expression in newsgroups, Lurk before you leap. You read what everyone is saying until you figure out all the players, inside jokes and sock puppets. THEN YOU POST. Twitter does have the option but only after you've started following people. Or they've started following you. And how will they start following you if you don't post anything? I'll say it for you, "Why does she sit around and think of this shit all day?"

Even though Twitter still has 23 million members, here are a couple of tips I've picked up from the half million people who left Twitter so far this year:

1. Do not follow people who post the same link over and over. UNFOLLOW

2. If someone's profile says they love a certain NFL team, do not assume they will talk about anything else. UNFOLLOW

3. Do not follow people who only post recipe links. UNFOLLOW

4. Do not follow people who post only words like awwwww or geeeeeeze. UNFOLLOW

5. #Hashtaggers. No one cares what you start. UNFOLLOW

6. People who post the same #hashtags over and over and OVER. STOP. UNFOLLOW

7. Do not follow people who post ENJOY. UNFUCKINGFOLLOW QUICKLY.

I haven't had a cold in 20 years and suddenly I'm on Twitter and I've got a cold. Before you think this isn't possible, Dooce also got a cold and she didn't mention where she got it. The defense rests.

It took me 3 years to start bitching about blogging. But it's taken me only a few weeks to start bitching about Twitter. This does not augur well.

And in other unrelated news, the stereo did the same thing again. I got up at 5:30 a.m. to turn off the air conditioning. When I got up 3 hours later, the stereo was on. Does my air conditioner have arms?

End of chat.

31 comments:

  1. OMG, am I the first? Do I need to wait for Blog owner approval?

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  2. Ha! Yes! No!
    I have only Twittered a couple times. I have trouble trying to figure out what the people are talking about and finding the original post.

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  3. Again I only get Twitters from sexy asian girl who wants to meet me. How does she know she wants to meet me? Has she SEEN Me?

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  4. Okay I don't twitter my life is way too boring for that as for blogging sorry I haven't posted everyday!! Damn I've lost my mojo....need more alcohol and possibly some drugs..can you send me some?

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  5. Suzy,
    HAPPY THANKSGIVING

    i was going to leave a comment like:
    relinking an awwwwgeeeeze how you doin recipe for thanksgiving hope you enjoy.
    but i really did not want you to un-follow me.
    BIG HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  6. Well, lookee lookee. I come over here to flaunt my 250, and you've got 252.

    However, I have not been eating much lately so I'm probably down to 128. Maybe 127.

    I agree with your Twitter creed.

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  7. -->If someone only posts links and retweets, UNFOLLOW.

    ~deb
    www.WebSavyMom.com

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  8. Screw twitter. Not for me. I can't even capitalize it. There is no point to it. Seriously. No point.

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  9. Definitely sound twitter advice. Un-fucking-follow. But please, please, please don't give up on twitter yet! You make it much too entertaining. :)

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  10. The worst, absolutely the worst Twitter poster is the person who decides to use fourteen consecutive posts to communicate something. People really? Do you think we can follow this caveman form of stuttering chat? It's absolutely a waste of time and space.

    Get a blog already.

    Cheers,

    SLC

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  11. Thanks for the tips. Also, never ever follow even one person who is associated with marketing. Suddenly a giant wave of would-be marketing gurus descends upon your land of tweet.

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  12. I can't relate to Twitter. It's too needy for me.

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  13. i'd like to make another suggestion for your list: people who tweet about every facet of their daily lives - down to frequency of bowl movements to how many fanny pads they've gone through in their last period.

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  14. You need to find out what that ghost wants!

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  15. Twitter is a weird beast. It is like 4chan with weird people. Anything that allows you to post from your phone/computer/xbox/toilet paper... Well, I made that last one up but still.

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  16. Twitter aside. I agree with Lynn, someone is trying to reach you or get your attention... via your stereo?
    Maybe they should tweet.
    Seriously I do believe that some folks are more receptive/sensitive/intuitive. In fact I include myself in that group.
    My advice?
    Pay attention to your dreams and your instincts- you will find your answer.

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  17. Listen, if we were trying to kill you we'd find a MUCH better way than Twitter.

    Like.........H1N2......or perhaps we'd assign a crazy little chinese blogger to COMMENT YOU TO DEATH.



    Now, where's my bridesmaid dress??

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  18. Hey Suzy,
    I can't get on the Twitter thing. I don't know why, but just have this bad taste in my mouth about it...yuck! You crack me up every post girl. Have a fabulous Thanksgiving...Kori xoxo

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  19. I'm selective about who I follow on twitter. I even stopped following Dooce. And then I wonder why I don't have more followers.

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  20. I probably should have written "about whom", but...it sounded awkward.

    Don't unfollow me!

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  21. This is what I can't live without?!

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  22. Thank you for making me feel better about not twittering (tweeting?). Glad to know I'm not missing much...

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  23. I haven't tweeted in a long time. Maybe I'm constipated.

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  24. Suzy,
    whats up with your stereo, it keeps calling my phone and leaving messages, now the phone call at random.
    HAPPY THANKSGIVING

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  25. I hate people that try to sell shit on Twitter!

    And I hate all the porn people that follow. You say one thing about "bush", "boobs" or "ass" and the next thing you know you have 10 new porn followers!

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  26. i have yet to post a single bit of punctuation, much less a word... yet i have a legion of followers... go figger :(

    better get a ghostbuster to look into your stereo... and ONLY your stereo! :O lol

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  27. Thus far I have avoided Twitter. Now I am certain of it. There seems to be so many rules. Rules are not good for me.

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  28. Oh yes, people who try to sell things on Twitter suck. Also people who do not follow anyone. Obviously, it's aaaaaall about them. And you can be assured they're like that in more personal communication as well. UNFOLLOW.

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  29. You read what everyone is saying until you figure out all the players, inside jokes and sock puppets. THEN YOU POST

    I knew that...

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