Friday, November 20, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

The holidays are here.

I hate the holidays. They're phony and annoying and for God's sakes, hasn't anyone written a new Christmas song in fifty years?

The cheap store gifts get more lame every year.

Yesterday at the drug store I saw a Talking Fly Swatter while waiting in line to buy some heroin. I didn't have time to peruse the box to see exactly WHEN this fly swatter talked. As it approached the fly? "Here I come, fucker."

As it was slamming the fly into a wall? "Gotcha, fucker."

Or maybe after it killed the fly? "Take THAT, fucker."

I once owned a toilet paper dispenser that played Elvis Presley songs when you rolled the paper. Now that was a great idea since that's where Elvis was found, dead on the loo. Of course people who came over thought I was crazy because they didn't know their Elvis history, which I found sacrilegious and unacceptable.

But a Talking Fly Swatter? If the world blows up tomorrow and aliens find a Talking Fly Swatter clutched in my hands I'm going to be so embarrassed. Dead, but embarrassed.

And I'm not going to say Happy Holidays to anyone. I'll be saying Merry Christmas. I've never had a black person say Happy Kwanzaa to me. No Jews have wished me a Happy Hanukkah and WHEN are the Jewish people going to agree on a spelling of that word?

If my Jewish friends wish me a Merry Christmas and I wish them a Happy Chanukah (see what I mean about the spelling?) then everything gets all messed up and I'm probably going to have to be circumcised. That's why I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I can spell it and keep my penis intact.

For all the talk of living green, Christmas is not 'green.' All that wrapping paper, all those boxes. I don't live entirely green, like hardly at all really, unless you count leaving cans outside the dumpster for the homeless to pick up. But it hurts me that others aren't picking up my slack.

Why do parents keep buying their kids new phones? Where do the old phones go? Why do people keep buying themselves new phones? Where do their old ones go?

Why do you need a cell phone to know what time the movie starts? It's the only cinema in your neighborhood and they haven't changed the times since 1976. Do you really need to find the nearest sushi restaurant even though there is only an Applebees and an IHOP in your neck of the woods?

And what's with the sudden need for a GPS system on your phone? Why do you need directions to go to the Wal Mart in your own town? You've been there a gillion times; it's where you first had sex with the oboe player in the band. And then the rest of the band. You could be buried there and your family would know exactly where to put the headstone.

God I hate the holidays.

I'm buying everyone a Talking Fly Swatter.

End of chat.


  1. LOL Suzy! I hate those gadget things like the singing fish you used to see constantly advertised on TV. I've seen tons of them at yard sales, so obviously feel the same as I do. And a talking fly swatter, no thanks; I'd rather not get anything if it's the same to you.

    I'm with you also about people constantly buying new cell phones. Personally, I use mine for emergencies only and don't give my number to everyone I meet. Besides, I don't really like phone calls so avoid them when I can... and no body better EVER call me after 7 pm! I'm winding down by that time. If you haven't thought to call me during the day time, forget about it!

  2. I want a piece of the pie the fly swatter company makes that is the exact wording I use when I'm killing flies.

  3. Fuck . why didn't i discover you before Susy ? i would ask you to marry me and you would now be saying things like : "why does someone needs a stupid painter as a husband ? they're like cats , but expensivier and don't even kill rats ."
    don't hate Hollidays . see by the idiot bright side , my dear . you don't have to visit my family and you don't live in a tropical hell where in december is the top of summer and the heat is melting the Santa's ass , drying the christimas tree , and taking all your will to eat the sticky , viscous turkey .
    yes, what's up with the gift stores . i hope God burn then all .
    i love christimas . alone , with my dogs , it is almost a dream .
    my better strategy to scape fron the holliday's spirit is saying to everyone that i am a fundamentalist christian and vegan ... . ahhhh...... peace .
    incredible how people leave you alone when you say that christimas for you isn't about histeric santa claus and lots of meet on the table .

    see you . happy comma during the hollidays Susy !!!

  4. -->When I was 16, I worked at Kmart as a cashier and they sold motorized rotating lollipops. I guess kids aren't fat and lazy enough that they can't even eat a lollipop and manually turn it. I need that fly swatter for some people I know.

  5. Oh, the phone thing. The bane of my existence. It is the desire for the newer, shinier, does more things phone--making it easier for you to spend more of your life texting, twittering and updating your Facebook status.

    Inexplicable to someone who hates a new phone because she doesn't want to learn anything new.

  6. As always Hilarious!! So, right on...on all the points. I have my original nokia phone, I am the last one they forced off analog because I didn't want to upgrade or change to digital that I was very happy with my first phone! Have a great weekend

  7. Mon petite cheri, joyeux noel!

  8. I tell people "Happy Christmas" and I don't celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Yule, which is older than Christmas by a significant number of years.

    I don't mind holiday music...when the holidays are actually upon us. Three weeks before Labor day? Not the time to be playing "O, Holy Night".

    I may start a holiday music or decor more than three weeks prior to the holiday, and it has to stop/come down no more than a week after. And Black Friday should be in February when we're all broke and bored. But I still won't shop that week, because I'd rather over pay for the privilege of not being trampled, crushed, crowded, or even brushed past by strangers.

    If someone gave me a talking fly swatter I would have to give them a talking tampon in return. I don't know if those exist...maybe I'd have to invent one. It could say "Whew, what stinks?!?" or "Help, I'm afraid of the dark!!"

    Old cell phones can be donated to The Lions Club or to the local women's shelter. Even if they aren't in service, as long as they turn on they can be used to call 911. My kid will have a phone when he buys it himself, and pays for the service himself, and as long as he's living with me he will not text under any circumstances.

    I like to wrap gifts in fabric, by the way...but then, many of the people I actualy bother to give gifts to sew or quilt...and the fabric is part of the gift.

    What ever happened to an Atlas, or stopping at the nearest service station and asking for directions?

    Crap, I'm old.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who adores you, Mizz Suzy...but not in a creepy, stalker kind of way, so hold off on that restraining order - you'll need the money for all the talking fly swatters people will now be demanding for Christmahannukwanzikuh)

  9. I gotta have that fly swatter. I don't care if the aliens find me dead with it clutched in my hands, I will carry it proudly everywhere I go.

    Also? I'll probably actually use it to hit people, not flies, but that is just me.

  10. There are new Christmas songs out there it just takes about 25 years for them to become holiday favorites so have patience. The Beastie Boys Christmas song will be your grand children's children favorite!

  11. I hate my phone (it was a gift from my husband, after I dropped my last phone in the toilet). My phone has the world's smallest buttons. Which wouldn't be an issue, except all we do in NZ is text. And the damn phone refuses to die, so I have to keep using it.

    And I hate the holidays, too. It's always a big relief when it's all over for another year. Now I need to go buy some fly swatters.

  12. Here in Vegas maps are out of date in six months, things get torn down and new ones put up, restaurants close and new ones come in (well, not this year until employment picks back up). So a cell phone with map and food search, as well as movie listings for the seven casinos with 12 screens each, yes, we put ours to good use.

  13. Anonymous10:53 AM

    Read the earlier comment about the Lion's Club accepting phones. Here in Honolulu you can bring your old phones to the YWCA and they are donated to a women's shelter. Those of you who are getting a new phone might want to see if the Y does it in your city also.

  14. I call it Fuck Friday.
    I agree with the cell phones. I don't buy a new one till my old one is either:
    blowed up
    in a fat woman's ass
    Hell, you are talking to the guy who rebuilt his remote control when it broke. No universal remote for me. Hell, I don't even need a remote, I have a kid.

    Nice post, loved it.

  15. here here! I seriously don't know what's up with the 'Happy holidays' stuff either! We grew up singing merry christmas and a happy new year, and we aren't even christians!! For Pete's sakes, we don't consider anyone's feelings when we celebrate Diwali!!

  16. You always make laugh but this post is now one of my favorites!

    Great! Now I'm wheezing!

  17. Anonymous8:52 PM

    I will no doubt get the talking fly-swatter as a gift and I will do the same thing with it that I did with the Ch-ch-ch-chia pet I got last year --- ch-ch-chuck it in the tr-tr-trash.

    Suzy, the above lame joke isn't why I am posting a comment. I stopped in to say that the short piece of comedy you wrote today is one of the best I've ever read in anyone's blog, hell any magazine or newspaper, too. Funny, edgy, and just plain brilliant. You should be making millions for your words. Seriously.

    One might even say you are a cross between Erma Bombeck on crack and a comedic Sylvia Plath...without the pesky oven, of course. One might say that, but I think you are too original to be a cross between anyone.

    Keep up the great work. Someday soon you will get the notice you deserve.

    Brad S.

  18. Chanukah. It's Chanukah. Everyone else has it wrong. And who's the Brad guy up there? Do we all have to drool all over you? Just to get a talking fly swatter?

    Everyone's talking GPS, and I still don't understand what it is and how it works. On your phone? Really?

  19. I thought Chanucka was an eskimo.

    Anyway, it's worse if you're laughing at a talking object, let's say a christmas tree for arguments sake, and then someone points out that it's just a normal christmas tree and you have to go and get more of the little pink tablets you keep forgetting to take.

  20. GPS is an evil ploy to be sure we all are dependent on a gadget to even know where we are. We used one for a trip recently and when it worked it seemed like a beautiful thing-- when it didn't I realized I didn't know east from west, and the minimal sense of direction I have was GONE. I thought it was just weed that was legal out there in CA now - heroin too?

  21. you hit alla dem nails bang on, suzy ;) lol

    for a change of pace:

    and have a 'god jul', as the swede part of my family sez :D

  22. Suzy, we have so many imported fys here, do you know if the fly swatter id bi-lingual?
    I also have jewish friends, and arabic friends, they don't agree on Hanakanew, Chanukah, or Hanukkah, either.
    The jewish friends all call it holy day, while my arab friends call it jihad, oh well , have a good week end.

  23. How do you feel about a cookie swap?

    Merry Christmas!

  24. I never wish anyone a Merry Christmas. I do however wish everyone a Merry Fucking Christmas, which gets me in trouble with the pastor at the church. :)

  25. I've never actually slept with an oboe player.

  26. Sweet, because I'm buying everyone else the singing Elvis toilet paper dispenser.

  27. What did we ever do before cell phones? Oh, right, talk to people like human beings.

  28. This is a great post, and I love that picture above.

  29. Interesting. We just had the "Elvis died on the toilet" conversation with our young teen. While listening to the Elvis Christmas CD. Not even joking. He is fascinated with it. And my husband is fascinated with banishing Elvis and Christmas in the same sentence. Gosh, things can get obnoxious.

  30. I swear that I will now officially hate the holidays...after I stop laughing at this post!

  31. I'm with Brad S.
    Oh and I can't wait to get my fly swatter, you are so sweet to be giving them away!
    Happy Hannnukahhhhhhh.