Thursday, September 13, 2007

My One Year Blogoversary

I'm grateful to all of you who read me and especially to the bloggers who have helped me along the way: Fussy, Baby on Bored, People Are Idiots, Shecky Magazine and Blogography. You know what you've done and now I'm as insane as you are. Crystal Meth is less addictive than blogging so thanks for that.

I'm leaving for New York this morning. I can't say why I'm going but you'll read about it in the tabs and no I'm not going into rehab. Been there, done that.

After years of traveling as a stand up comic, I have it down to a science. A really sick, anal-retentive kind of science. First come the outfits. All hung on closet knobs to make sure I can make 78 outfits out of 3. Notice they are all various shades of black. I'm living in LA now but I have the black heart of a New Yorker always and forever. I've spared you the close-ups but the necklaces, cuffs and even bras are hung up with each outfit. A black bra is not just a black bra. Some go under see-through tops and they have lace and are different.

I'm only taking two bags. It's between the Betsy Johnson on the left and the House of Dereon (Beyonce's line) on the right. The one in the middle is the Nicole Miller I take to all parties only because it fits things like a camera, a phone and a 16 oz. can of beer.

I will put in a shoe for every occasion. Rain, beach, ice skating, you name it, I've got the shoe. Sometimes when I read about celebrities and how they need 27 pieces of luggage for three days I stop laughing long enough to remember how demented I am. I love clothes and am an unapologetic fashionista. Jeans and a tee shirt are not fashion to me. They're just a lack of imagination. It's why I loved living in New York. New Yorkers can dress. Here in LA? Not so much. The first 4 years I lived here people kept telling me I was overdressed. Like there is such a thing.

The only thing that bothers me about traveling is all the useless crap I think I need to do. Seriously, am I really going to brush my teeth twice a day? Condition my hair every time I wash it? Wear a different thong every day?

I've always been into clothes. Some people are good at math. I'm good at fashion. Bad clothes make my head hurt. People who don't care about it make my head explode. And then some people (men) wonder why they have no girlfriends. It's your shoes! Good God man, it's your fucking retarded shoes, the first thing a woman looks at!

Once when I was just beginning stand up and had to work part time jobs to make my rent, I got a job at Harper's Bazaar in New York.

Sidebar: Grace Mirabella was the editrix at the time; she later went on to have her own eponymous magazine, Mirabella.

I remember the whole crew had returned from the fall shows in Milan and Grace waltzed by my desk wearing a deep violet dress with a matching cape and shoes. I'm half French so we normally can speak when confronted with sartorial splendor but I was struck dumb. About an hour later I walked by her office and she was sitting there in all her violet finery and I couldn't help myself. I also didn't know fashion protocol. I popped into her office.

"Ms. Mirabella, that outfit, it's really, totally, just fabulous." She looked up slowly and gave me the once over and that must have been painful. I was probably wearing a Girl Scout uniform.

"Thank you, darling." And she went back to what she was doing. I was the talk of that office for a fucking week. "She went into Grace's office and SPOKE TO GRACE and now she's probably going to get fired by Grace." I didn't get fired but it would have been worth it if I had.

I love fashion so much that I'm one of those women who is not concerned with how the man I'm dating is dressed. Unless he asks me, I offer no suggestions or criticisms. I really don't care because I will always look better than he does and eventually he will be handed a ticket and asked to bring someone's car around. And that will make me laugh, and what is better than a man who can make you laugh? Especially if he's wearing bad shoes.

End of chat.

18 comments:

  1. Such planning! You must be inconsolable when your luggage gets lost.

    Safe travels. :-)

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  2. D2, I know you are the king of traveling. What do you pack? Is it a nightmare for you?

    For many years I kept an extra bag that was always packed to travel and I never had to touch it. It had all the essentials in it and I just threw it in the big bag and never thought about it. You?

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  3. Oh yes. Since many trips I take are back-to-back, I actually have three duplicate ditty-bags that are filled with essentials for travel, and I always have them packed up and ready to toss in a suitcase. When I get back home, anything I've used gets replaced, and the bag is put back into rotation.

    Likewise, I have zipper "packing cubes" which are pre-packed with a week's worth of underwear. Since most of my trips are a week-long, it's just one more thing I don't have to think about when a last-minute trip pops up.

    I really don't travel as constantly as I used to, but old habits die hard. :-)

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  4. "Likewise, I have zipper "packing cubes" which are pre-packed with a week's worth of underwear"

    I would probably pay a bowling game fee to see that in person.

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  5. Yes, but after an entire week of travel, it will be filled with nothing but dirty underwear. Nobody wants to see that!

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  6. Catherine7:45 AM

    God, I am so glad I found your blog.

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  7. OOH, I wish I still cared about fashion. I think Vermont has sucked the life out of my fashion sense. When I first moved here people would tell me I was overdressed too. Of course it is Vermont, if you are not wearing overalls or an extremely boring LL Bean mock turtleneck, you are over dressed. Help! By the way, I would never, not even when I was pregnant, not even when Buffy sported them, would ever ever wear overalls.
    I like the bag on the left. Does it zipper close so you won't be robbed?

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  8. Happy Blogiversary!

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  9. Hey, have a great trip! You are WAY more fashion-conscious than me. I'm all about the comfort and weatherproofing now. Living in Wisconsin will do that to a person. And Vermont too, it seems.

    Girl Scout uniform...hehe!!

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  10. Congrats on your blogiversary! I wish someone would ask ME to bring their car around. But then I usually eat at Denny's.

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  11. Anonymous11:45 AM

    Have fun on the trip. I think you overpacked, but just think. There will always be THE ONE IMPORTANT ITEM YOU FORGOT and you will be in the fashion capital of the U.S., so enjoy shopping!
    Aloha,
    Martha Jane

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  12. Anonymous2:16 PM

    "And then some people (men) wonder why they have no girlfriends. It's your shoes! Good God man, it's your fucking retarded shoes"

    Son-of-a-bitch! That is hysterical!


    --Abeyta

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  13. Ditto the folk from Vermont and Wisconsin. I can't even describe fashionable in these here parts. I like to go to Chicago just to see men who don't looks so fuzzy and rumpled. I like the bag you take to parties because it holds a camera and can of beer. When I lived in Cleveland I had a purse that could hold a six pack (bottles). Happy Anniversary. I am so glad you are here and blogging.

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  14. I'm leaving for New York this morning

    Gawd, Ive I always wanted to type that.

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  15. Anonymous11:38 AM

    I forgot to say Happy Anniversary!

    Well done!

    --Abeyta

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  16. Congrats on a year. Now don't turn into a slacker blogger like me.

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  17. Congratulations, Suzy. Your frequency is matched by your quality -- rare, indeed.

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  18. This is well timed, because I have no idea WTF to write for my blogoversary.

    I like this post.

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