Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Holy Crap!

St. Appolonia is the patron saint of dental work. If you're suffering from a toothache, you're supposed to donate money to her. I'm guessing she and The Tooth Fairy have had this little scam all wrapped up for centuries.

Tooth Fairy: They lose teeth when they're kids, see? And then we put a dollar under their pillow.....then they grow up and and have real tooth problems...

St.Appolonia: Yes, yes, I get it, now they turn around and put an offering at the church for a twenty just to keep the stupid tooth.

Tooth Fairy:Brilliant, no?

Appolonia: A 1900% return on our money. Even a Google share can't match that.

After holding down this office job for a while Appolonia got bored and became a backup singer for Prince, whom she was encouraged to call God. And she did. For her entire singing career.

St. Lucy, the longest running saint in television history
If you win does that mean you get to dump a bucket of ice over this statue?

This is the patron saint of lost causes, St. Rita. First of all, the lost cause here is piety, followed closely by a contract with Ford Models NY. Check out her right knee. What kind of a religious pose is that?

Poor St. Joseph. Relegated to the lowly position of house sales and having inferior cloth luggage to add insult to injury. Stick his statue in upside down in your yard and leave his feet sticking out and you will make a guaranteed sale. Good luck with that in this market. I love that he comes with instructions. Shouldn't all men? This is my patron saint. Chanel.

End of chat.


  1. I didn't realize there were so many interesting Saints. I can't remeber if Jewish people believe in Saints, but I do believe in Chanel. If I put an upside down statue of a supermodel in my garden, will I wake up with a new body?

  2. surcie6:38 AM

    I love tacky religious tchotchke. (Although I don't decorate with it, nor do I wish to receive it as a gift.)

    Soon as I saw "Appolonia," I knew there had to be a mention of Prince. Perfect.

    I just saw my new favorite t-shirt yesterday. It says: WTFWJD?

    (trans: What The F Would Jesus Do)

    My husband, the Rev, thinks he should wear it to the office.

  3. I'm still anxiously awaiting the arrival of my Jesus action figure. No kung-fu grip, but I'll bet he can still smite the unholy with the best of them!

  4. Anonymous11:23 AM

    I know, because I bought one, that you can go to Tijuana and find nativity scenes, including dolls where the Baby Jesus has false eyelashes. (I also purchased a jeans jacket which has Our Lady of Guadelupe, in sequins, on the back.) And yes, I did attend Catholic school (for two years).
    Martha Jane

  5. Anonymous11:23 AM

    in regard to Jewish Saints--

    The salesperson who cuts us a good deal on the chanel suit is indeed a Saint. A Saint is Anyone who helps us get rich, RE: a good stockbroker ,or, someone who brings us chicken soup when were sick, or, doesnt judge us when we kevetch non stop, or, the child who finds our misplaced keys, or, the dentist who takes our call in the middle of the night--He is certainly a Saint-- ...at least thats what my mother taught me :)
    oh yes, if they screw up, they then loose their Saint status...fast!

    I like the statues! The catholics seem to have softened the jewish Saint thing up a bit and lightend the pressure--- I think its worth a try!

  6. There was a St. Dodo but no picture. That's the saint that I think a lot of people are guarded by.