More anonymous snippets from emails I’ve received:
My second favorite family activity is we all sit around and take our blood pressures.
I love being a mom, even though sometimes I cry a lot.
As my ex used to tell me -- sometimes he thought I looked like Ava Gardner--and other days he thought I looked a lot more like Ava Gardner's maid.
I am feeling very sensitive this week as some local bitch moms hurt my feelings. I know, who cares about local bitch moms, I guess sometimes I do.
So I took a pair of his Italian 300.00 pants and ripped the ass seam a little- not where he can see it but enough so that when he sits it will continue to rip.
I've never seen such huge nipples in my life!!
You're like some kind of twisted Mother Teresa of stand-up - keeping all the bent motherfuckers in touch - very sweet...
I once called a suicide hotline for a friend and they suggested an intervention. By the time I reached anyone else to participate, my suicidal friend had taken apart his gun and couldn't figure how to put it back together.
I got overwhelmed by her kids. They were cute, but they were kids. I don't do kids very well.
I remember being with my sister and her friends at Wellesley and one of them wanting to know if anybody else was interesting in going over to a party at MIT for some “sport fucking.”
I can't remember the faces of all the guys I’ve slept with. Oh my god, I wouldn't want to. Who would? Wouldn’t that be a scary poster? All those faces? We could each have one. The bad part would be being on someone else's poster.
My problem is that I wish I DIDN'T remember half of the people I slept with.
My second favorite family activity is we all sit around and take our blood pressures.
I love being a mom, even though sometimes I cry a lot.
As my ex used to tell me -- sometimes he thought I looked like Ava Gardner--and other days he thought I looked a lot more like Ava Gardner's maid.
I am feeling very sensitive this week as some local bitch moms hurt my feelings. I know, who cares about local bitch moms, I guess sometimes I do.
So I took a pair of his Italian 300.00 pants and ripped the ass seam a little- not where he can see it but enough so that when he sits it will continue to rip.
I've never seen such huge nipples in my life!!
You're like some kind of twisted Mother Teresa of stand-up - keeping all the bent motherfuckers in touch - very sweet...
I once called a suicide hotline for a friend and they suggested an intervention. By the time I reached anyone else to participate, my suicidal friend had taken apart his gun and couldn't figure how to put it back together.
I got overwhelmed by her kids. They were cute, but they were kids. I don't do kids very well.
I remember being with my sister and her friends at Wellesley and one of them wanting to know if anybody else was interesting in going over to a party at MIT for some “sport fucking.”
I can't remember the faces of all the guys I’ve slept with. Oh my god, I wouldn't want to. Who would? Wouldn’t that be a scary poster? All those faces? We could each have one. The bad part would be being on someone else's poster.
My problem is that I wish I DIDN'T remember half of the people I slept with.
Yay! I made it again. That's still good, right?
ReplyDeleteI only put the funniest ones in the blog so yes, it's still good.
ReplyDeleteSomehow gm, I think you're always going to make the cut!
I vote that this becomes a regular feature.
ReplyDeletePlus, you just made me realize how DULL my emails are. They are the oatmeal of emails. The beige sedan. The flour tortilla. The mealy red delicious apple. I need to spice them up a little.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIt's somehow thrilling to know when you hit, "send," that the e-mail will live on, in the literature, so to speak. (Well, as opposed to being a part of "discovery" in ligitation.)
ReplyDeleteAloha,
Martha Jane
Jess, a lot of these comments come from insane people that I've known for years and years.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, I'm keeping it in as a regular feature and you're not beige.
What's that supposed to mean? Insane? Well, you haven't known me for years and years, so I guess that's a compliment.
ReplyDeleteOne of the surgeons was mean to me tonight. Tomorrow night I am going to sneak into the Doctors lounge, while he is in surgery, and get a hold of his pants....
ReplyDeleteThanks for the tip!
hi suz-
ReplyDeleteMy family does the 1st one. These are funny. Funny true.
One time the band Journey played here and called the town,Omaha-ha.I think omaha got the last laugh though. They never came back.
We keep score, nothin else to d ..
ooooh...my....goodness....that brought me back to that day in that time...i hadn't forgotten but shit I'll be lucky if I remember to wipe these days. :)
ReplyDeleteHello!