Monday, February 26, 2007

Dear Ellen, Dying Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard

The only thing worse than people not in our field trying to be funny is people in our field trying to be funny and failing.

El, the moment you said that last night was all about honoring the nominees, I knew you were in trouble. Except for the chorale of Foley artists, the Dreamgirls sequence and the shadow dancers, I was walking towards the light for most of the evening. If someone had stopped by with heroin, I would have gladly tied off and continued the nod I already had going.

We at home don’t give a shit about honoring the nominees. We're all about honoring the fashion, the hairdos and the bling. We’re also all about the mocking, which you ignored to the point of me missing Whoopi, the worst host ever, and wondering if you remembered you even were a comedian. Here were some things you apparently did not notice: The number of people wearing sunglasses. Do you not want anyone to know you’re here, Jack? Are you on the lam, Djimon? This is not Judge Judy, it's okay to be seen on camera here. El, Jack was bald. BALD. And you had nothing to say about that? And the next time you go into the audience to talk to Clint Eastwood and Marty Scorsese, please take some Crest White Strips and slip them into their pockets.

Hey, could you hear the click of television sets being turned off during the time that the terrified Penelope Cruz clutched her 35,000 dollar gown to her knees in an effort to avoid you vacuuming up the hem? Ellen, you’re an out lesbian; I counted on you for something more progressive than housework. And throwing a pack of wrapping papers to the band? The band? It doesn’t get any more hack than that. Well, by now you’ve read the reviews so you know. You’re one of The Departed.

Love, Suzy

For me, the best part of the entire show was Jerry Seinfeld shamelessly auditioning for and hopefully getting to be next year's Oscar host. He had punch lines! Timing! Attitude!

I also loved the shots of Larry David looking dour as his wife got the Oscar for producing An Inconvenient Truth, Reese Witherspoon smoking the red carpet and throwing their divorce in Ryan’s face, Helen Mirren celebrating being 61 and looking 72 and the barbecue ketchup and mustard set of Nicole and Naomi. Note to Cameron Diaz, origami does not become you. Note to Jennifer Lopez, the 1950’s are over. Note to Portia, Ellen has money, have a sandwich.

I'm now submitting a list that I hope AMPAS will consider as the new de facto rules for future Oscars.

1. You cannot touch your hair and move it out of your face more than three times during any single red carpet interview, Beyonce.
2. No one’s hair color can be the same color as their skin, Nicole.
3. No more than five Scientologists in the audience. (good luck with that one)
4. Bring back Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon to present every year so we’ll have something interesting to talk about the next day. God, please.
5. If you win, please don’t say I Love You to your wife. Seriously, if you’ve waited all this time to tell her that, you’re an asshole and she’s probably sleeping with her Pilates instructor anyway.
6. Please stop thanking your family for their support. Sure, NOW they’re supporting you but think back, way, way, way back to when they kept nagging you to get a real job and stop mooching off them. THINK HARD.
7. No more acceptance speeches by people who need translators standing by their side. Some of us have Christmas shopping to do and want to hit the stores before everything is gone.
8. Alcohol Alcohol Alcohol.

End of disappointed chat.


  1. Martha Jane10:40 AM

    This is you at your best! You need to be on the red carpet interviewing them live!

    Did you also notice that a number of the gowns were from the Scarlett O'Hara school, i.e., they looked like someone went berserk with the draperies.

  2. You're so right on every single point. Ellen was not at her best. But I'm sure it's a terribly difficult job. That audience is so stiff. (Is it nervousness?) Didn't Nicole looked like a fembot? Clooney was extra-dreamy. What a difference a little pomade makes.

    PS: I love your view of the sign. And I'm so jealous of the bougainvillea. It's one of the things I miss most about living in Cali.

  3. Alexa :D1:04 PM

    Now, now, Mizz Soro... "El" (EL? Do we really need to shorten her name to a single letter? It's Ellen. We don't even say "DeGeneres.") I think you're being slightly overcritical of Ellen. She was being herself last night. Not all of the material worked, that's true, but it was her change of costume three times that really counts as "funny." Actually, I'm being sarcastic.

    I personally thought she was funny. I can see why others found her humor "angry dyke" like. Especially the bit about Gilligan's Island. Ouch! Take some estrogen, Ellen! What's next? Chest hair?

    In all fairness, I think women shouldn't even be hosting the Oscars. They can't get it right. They're either talking about vaginas or breasts or prostitution. Frankly, I want to hear comedy broad enough to reach male ears. Because if men find it funny, then it must be. If women find something funny, it's because it was about vaginas or breasts or molestation.

    Let's take a moment to recognize the extremely funny women of the last 500 years. Mizz Soro, you start.

    Love, Alexa... :D

  4. Anonymous3:31 PM

    I thought Ellen did a great job last night. I am disturbed by the opinion that women are not funny, and they should not be hosting the Academy Awards. It is a discriminating opinion that is equivelent to racism!
    Tere Joyce

  5. Ellen is funny. She was not funny last night.

    Hosting the Oscars takes more attitude than she brought to the table. It was boring, and apparently the Hollywood Reporter and Variety agree with me.

  6. On the other hand, "Family Guy" was hilarious! Loved your piece!

  7. And is it me, or has Cameron Diaz had some work done on her face? Her cheeks were looking especially apple-y and ventriloquist dummyesque.

  8. She had her nose done. It had been broken a bunch of times and she finally had it fixed. You fix one thing on your face and every thing else looks different. That's why they tell people that when they get a facelift, they should get a new hair cut too.

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