Photos Of Me And Some Funny Men

I'm posting pictures you may have seen here before but SUE ME ALREADY. I love that my name is part of a larger plan to suck money out of the bank accounts of strangers. After all, many of us don't get a chance to sue our parents and don't think it hasn't occurred to me.

"Suzy, it's time for school."
"I'm going to sue you for making me learn to read and write. Take that, hateful people, take THAT."

I once sued a bouncer at a nightclub in New York for shoving me so hard I fell on my ass and ruined my pantyhose. But the case was pretty stupid because how can pantyhose be further ruined? The nylony part is so viscous you could hoist it on a raft and sail that sucker to Hawaii. And that glaring white crotch area? Do the words 'Let's Try Lavender' NEVER come up in a company memo?
This is me standing between two men who would go on to become multimillionaires while leaving me in my one bedroom apartment putting my pantyhose back into their L'Eggs containers.

I can still see Phil pretend-walking down stairs in the Newsradio episode where he builds his own office. I have to find the photo I took of him holding a garden hose up to his crotch and pretending he was peeing.

Carl Ballantine died last November. He was one of the great character actors of the 1960's. He lived in my neighborhood and I ran into him a lot. He was always funny. Just funny on the street funny. In this photo from 2005 he is probably asking me what happened to my hair.

This picture was taken at Phil and Brynn's house. Andy thought he was posing for the press. He had forgotten he was at a party.

And finally, me and Flavor Flav. I made him pose for a picture because HE WEARS A CLOCK ALL THE TIME. Even while he's shopping.

I asked his son to take the picture with my cell phone camera. That fucking clock was bigger than my head and I have a jumbotron for a head.

End of chat.

Larry David Jerry Seinfeld Carl Ballantine Flavor Flav Phil Hartman Andy Dick

The Dick And The Jon

Me and Andy Dick at the infamous Christmas party
Brynn and Phil at that 1997 party

I loved Brynn and Phil as much as you can love any two friends. I was broke as dust when I first met them, in New York, when Phil was first hired on SNL and they had just relocated from Los Angeles. My sister, who lived in L.A. and was close to Brynn, asked me to call her since she knew no one in N.Y. So I did.

I remember the funny parts of Brynn and Phil because they were both hilarious. Once I was on the road in Alaska and it was my birthday. I called home and she and Phil had left a Happy Birthday song on my machine. Brynn sang it as Delores Hope, Bob Hope's wife, because she did Delores better than Delores.

And she was the only person I knew who loved Dean Martin as much as I did. And admitted it publicly.

Phil tried to help me with my career more times than I can count. I knew so many standups who never lifted a finger to help me in L.A., outside of Larry David and Michael Patrick King, but Phil was constantly trying to hook me up. He once made Dennis Miller come to my gig at the L.A. Improv to see if I was right for his show. Dennis had a sick child at home outside of L.A. but made the trip anyway. He figured if Phil thought I was funny, it was worth his time. I got a second audition but Dennis's show got cancelled. But I never forgot what Phil and Dennis did for me.

At Phil's 45th birthday party, he told Jay Leno to book me. He had more confidence in me in those days than I had. Jay did not book me.

Brynn used to go to New York once a year and come back with an entirely new wardrobe. She had two friends who were struggling at the time, me and her bff Judy. She would take all her one year-old designer clothes, all the freebies they got in gift bags and lay them out on her bed and then invite me over to pick out what I wanted. She said she always asked me first because she knew how hard I struggled and how little money I had. (Knowing Brynn, she probably told Judy the same thing) Sometimes I would try something on and she would say, "Oh God, I'm not giving that away, it's too fabulous. Ahhh forget it, it really looks better on you." She was a tall blond beauty who was a size 2. I wasn't blind. She was just that generous of spirit.

I still cry every time I think of her taking care of me like that. And for Phil risking his formidable reputation for me.

There are lots of stories out there about what Andy Dick did or did not do at that Christmas party. I will just say this, only her girlfriends know the truth about what went on in that marriage and we ain't talking. I do know that Jon Lovitz was completely devastated by the loss of his best friend so anything he does in Phil's honor, I understand.

We are often defined in life by one mistake. One episode that can't be erased or taped over. We've all had a moment that can't be returned to sender. I wrote about this because I didn't want all this press over the Lovitz-Dick fight to overshadow the real lives of the Hartmans. They have two children out there who remember their parents with love. And so should the rest of us.

End of chat. I mean it.

RIP Phil and Brynn

At the Comedy Awards with two of my favorite people