Monday, January 08, 2007

The Envelope Please

Illustration by Sean McCabe

The People’s Choice Awards are tomorrow night. The Golden Globe and SAG nominations are in. The Hollywood awards season has officially begun. Let the schadenfreude commence.

There’s really nothing more entertaining than watching actors who work a hundred times more than you lose in front of millions of people. And then pretend they’re not upset.

Sidebar: Except for the Tony Awards because A. Who cares and B. One day they’ll move out here and try and steal jobs from those of us who’ve been slogging it out in the trenches with the 22 year-olds for ten years. Don’t think you can parade your forty-seven octave range and Shakespearean talent around and come swanning into some dumb sitcom just like that. You can’t Kristin Chenoweth, you just can’t.

When the camera is on an Oscar nominee and the award goes to the other guy, the nominee puts on the I’m Okay With That face, like he had already pre-paid his ticket for the Loser Train to Loserville. He cheerfully talks to the press as he enters his limo. (Oh my God, are his eyes watering?) He goes to the Vanity Fair party and congratulates the winners. (Is that a shredded Kleenex in his hand?) He’ll go to all the parties; he’ll drink all the Cristal and then he’ll go home, call his mother and burst into tears.

And in keeping with this sentiment, is there anything more satisfying than watching a beauty pageant contestant bite the dust? When it’s down to the final two, one of those girls knows that coming in second is just not going to cut it back in her hometown of Gee Whiz, Georgia. No one at the drycleaners is going to say, “Oh great, here comes the first runner-up!” Instead they’re saying, “Uh-oh, here comes the first runner-up, hide.” The handlers who magically hustle those runners-up out of camera range are probably consultants to Osama bin Laden.

I like to watch how losers react because I’m a sore loser. I’m the asshole that tips the board over and yells “You people SUCK!” Remember how Monica always had to win on Friends? Hi, I’m Monica. Activities I can’t participate in because my friends won’t do them with me anymore: running, horseback riding, skiing, tennis, charades or cards. They’ve also banned me from any game that involves a board because I’ve figured out how to cheat at every one of them except chess. And that’s only because it requires the ability to see into the future. And if I had that skill I would own the stock market and buy new friends.

My lowest point came when a neighbor’s six-year old asked me to play Chutes and Ladders with her and I cheated and won. She started to cry because she had never lost before. She threatened to get her mother and I said, “Go ahead, I’ll kick her ass too.”

“Hi, my name is Suzy and I have to win at everything.”
“Hi Suzy!”

And when there’s no variable for cheating, I’m even worse. Back in the late 80’s I was entered into a Most Beautiful Legs of New York contest by a delusional/high/retarded/blind/yougetthepicture boyfriend, and I lost to a tower of giraffe supermodels, and yes, ‘tower’ is what a group of giraffes is called. In my defense I don’t think I should have worn those panty hose that stopped at a line across the tops of my thighs. As I was being escorted out yelling obscenities and kicking the security guards I still managed to threaten a lawsuit.

After that fiasco, I appeared on Star Search. They rated performers with a 4 star system and the more stars you got, the better you did. Only they broke it down into fractions, like I paid attention to that day in school. So they announced that I had 3 and one quarter stars and the other guy had 3 and three quarters stars and when the camera is on my face, you can see the beginning of a dark cloud forming. I wondered if Ed McMahon could take a punch. Someone from the sidelines hissed at me to get off stage and probably not a minute too soon. Needless to say, I haven’t competed in anything since.

And while we’re on the topic of winning, can you please show me the person who really believes that it’s not whether you win or lose but how you play the game? World Cup 2006, France versus Italy in the final and Zinedine Zidane of France head-butts Marco Materazzi of Italy. Zidane is tossed from the game and voted Most Valuable Player of the World Cup by journalists. Somewhere Mike Tyson is crying into a pair of his gym shorts.

End of chat.


  1. I like winning and am very competitive. I played monopoly with Nelson Mandela, and I would not sell him my get out of jail free card, no matter what price. I played with Tony Blair and George Bush, and George insisted Blair be the poodle.

  2. Martha Jane11:01 AM

    Great one, Suzy!

    I have a comment about the youngsters: I was at a party and wearing a muumuu (I had just come from the beach and had my bathing suit under it). Somebody's kid said, "Mommy, does she have a baby in her tummy?" I replied, "No, I'm just fat, you little shit."

    Suzy, you have my admiration for entering the legs contest. You should have won. Models are evil and must be destroyed......

  3. Dear Friend-Who-Now-Scares-the-Crap-Out-of-Me,
    Thank you for telling me what a group of giraffes is called.
    p.s. Our tennis date is off.

  4. Oh Lordy, lady. You make me laugh. Love your writing.

  5. If you haven't read Surcie's blog, please go check her out and read Mother Mary and all the Vac Chats. And that's an order.

  6. Hey, thanks! I just came back to ask what you thought of the Peeps' awards. It was a tad too MTV Movie Awards-esque to me, what with the grabby "fans," etc. But you're the resident Hollywoodienne (I just made that up). . .Does it bother you that they already know they won?

  7. BTW, the child won't do more than breathe heavily when I try to record our Vac Chat. I'm working on it, though.

  8. The People's Choice Awards is just one of many shows where the winners know in advance that they've won. I won't name the shows but when you're watching the intros and you see certain stars sitting in the audience, you know that they know they've won.

    As one awards show coordinator told me, "It depends on who we can get to show up. Those are the winners." The worst are the remotes, obviously those had to be set up way in advance.

    That's Hollywood, all smoke and mirrors.

  9. Anonymous7:17 PM

    Hi Suzy,

    I was invited to the Peoples choice awards Tuesday night, and had a fabulous time!

    Just seeing Dr. McDreamy up close made my night!! I was especially surprised to see how tiny tiny tiny Halle Berry is in person--Maybe the tinest actress Ive seen yet--and of course, very beautiful as well.

    (As for your great legs--almost every star was wearing a mini dress)!!

    You are so right--all the early winners were sitting in the front Row -- Not too tough to figure out they were in the winners circle!

    On the other hand--when I went backstage half way through the show--some of stars were held back by their publicist until they were announced--

    fun to watch!!

    xo MA

  10. i didn't read this one.