It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

I randomly was blog hopping the followers I have and came across one who was trying to stop smoking.

For some reason, the way I stopped smoking popped into my head and thought I'd lay it out here because, what a surprise, IT WAS NOT NORMAL.

I was smoking a pack a day and slowing creeping up to a pack and a half. I would try and quit but I worked in a bar/restaurant and we'd all hang out afterwards and snort coke till about 5 a.m. Then we had to ask if anyone was holding quaaludes so we could go to sleep. There is nothing creepier than going to bed when the birds are waking up. I would always feel like I had wasted time, which of course, I had.

After 2 years of trying to quit only to pick it up again, I couldn't stand it anymore. So I asked God for help.

Please make something happen to me that will make me stop smoking. I don't know what, but just something physical to scare me. BUT DON'T KILL ME.

About a week later I was talking to a friend in North Carolina and of course, smoking. Suddenly I got a huge stabbing pain in my chest and couldn't breathe or talk. I was gasping and heard David through the phone.

D: Are you smoking?
ME: gasp
D: Listen carefully, put the cigarette out and lay down on the floor and count to 30.
ME: gasp
D: It it doesn't go away after 30 and you don't get back on the phone and talk normally, I'm calling 911 because you're having a heart attack.
ME: GASP!!!!!

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, 9, 10, 11...

ME: David, I'm okay. How did you know I was smoking?
D: Cause I've had that.
ME: Had what?
D: Lung congestion.
ME: But you still smoke.
D: Yeah, I've had it 4 times and I'm clean for a while then I start again.
ME: Well you couldn't have had THIS because it feels like a knife in the heart.
D: I know. 4 times.

I was still scared shitless but I had asked for it. I thanked God and two nights later I went to the Improv and bummed a cigarette off someone. Half way through the Marlboro I thought, "God is going to kill you and it's probably going to hurt."

I never smoked again and I just want to say this to God: ALL RIGHT ALREADY. YOU CAN STOP NOW. And could you bring back Quaaludes?

End of cigarettes.