Thursday, June 13, 2013

20 Things My Mother And I Have Argued About

Since she arrived at my apartment two weeks ago, these are some of the arguments my mom and I have had:

1. Whether orange bougainvillea was in fact orange bougainvillea.

2. Why the 8 ounces of water I make her drink twice a day with her medication is in a glass so big she’s never seen a glass that big ever in her entire life am I trying to drown her.

3. How sponges work.

4. The fruit flies in my kitchen should pay rent there are so many of them.

5. Who shut down the online Mah-jongg game when they should have checked with her first to see if she was done playing.

6. The guy who parks next to me is probably glad I had my car washed.

7. Why did it take me so long to get my car washed.

8. We need to stop eating tilapia.

9. Why I eat in front of my computer and will probably die there.

10. That the people on So You Think You Can Dance really can’t dance if you call that dancing.

11. Why don’t I hang up paintings over the couch only hobos live like that.

12. Whether the woman at Bank of America wrote down her password and will try to get into her account because she looks shifty and is Russian and mom is part Russian and knows shifty when she sees it.

13. Why am I forcing her to go to the LaBrea Tar Pits when everybody but me knows she hates fossils.

14. Who moved her coffee cup.

15. Who moved her dish.

16. Who moved her glass.

17. Who moved my coffee cup.

18. Who moved my dish.

19. Who moved my glass.

20. Who drank all the wine.

(21.) me


  1. Yeah. I have a mother like that too. And she's coming in two weeks to stay for a week. Pray for me. I'll be reading this repeatedly for therapy. And stocking up on wine.

  2. Linda Roy I am praying for you SO HARD.

  3. I was waiting for that (21), which probably consumes more time than the others. Unless she is like other mothers and hints around the subject. Little 'you should be more like her' jabs.

  4. Please don't drown your mom!

  5. We've got the hobo look here, too - mostly because Larry and I can never agree on what to put on our walls. And partly because it costs too much money to get something large enough to hang over the couch.

  6. My mother died, thank you very much. I finally gave up on arguing with her a couple of years before she died, which was about 18 years ago (thank you, Gentle Jesus). I also tried to poison her by getting her to drink some water and eat healthy food and tried to drive her crazy by being so mean to my kids, except when I spoiled them, and by not hanging something on every inch of wall space. I told The Hurricane that if she ever decides to get married, I will help her with her wedding. She said, We'd just get in a fight.

    Where the fuck does she get an idea like that? I don't understand. I think the problem is that my kids have turned into atheists.


  7. You will treasure this post. xo

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  9. HA! I feel for you. I finally started to read your book. I was reading in the waiting room of a doctor's office and was laughing out loud. Everyone thought I was looney!

  10. I love my mother, but she really drives me crazy. She is (still!) involved in every aspect of my life, and she is right about everything. I am just not mentally up to a visit with her this year. Maybe next year.

  11. i'm dying laughing...