My Favorite Tweets Of 2011

People always ask me how I come up with a list of my favorite tweets each year. I pick the ones I wish I'd written.

@Cheeseboy22
I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my kids. I should really get them a twitter account.

@badbanana
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

@TrainedHedonist
If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling "Hey asshole, she's blind!"

@NickadooLA
I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@BSeanRoss
Blonde Zooey Deschanel in "Elf," or brunette in "New Girl," hard to figure out which one I'd least like to bang; probably Whitney Cummings.

@itsa_talia
Wine bottles should have twist off tops because it's hard to stop crying long enough to get the cork out.

@buck4itt
Starbucks was out of those little cardboard sleeves but my barista provided great customer service by letting me use his philosophy degree.

@MarinkaNYC
Casey Anthony not guilty, changes name to Susan B.

@JoeMande
Happy birthday to Scott Caan who is 5'5'' today.

@YUCKYBOT
"WE'RE PREGNANT!" --Guy who doesn't understand anatomy

@MrFornicator
You know what would be really cool? If we charged broke people for their own money. ~Prepaid Credit Card inventor

@AlbertBrooks
I hate the treadmill. I hate the stationary bike. I hate running in the street. Can't I stay in shape just by hating?

@preawsaurus
it's a sad state of the world when you can't let your 3yo out for a beer run without fearing he'll be kidnapped.

@Josh_Britain
I spend most of my weekends sitting outside the Macy's fitting room holding a purse so strangers think I have a girlfriend.

@MinutesofMayhem
A study's found that silver's no longer America's favourite car colour. Also, black's no longer America's favourite President colour.

@HeyitsLori
Writing a check at the grocery store is an excellent way of letting people know you have a plastic rain hat in your purse.

@JimGaffigan
I have more pictures of my kids than my Dad even looked at me.

@sarkastickunt
He said I should've been able to finish the laundry since I don't do anything all day and THAT is why I killed him officer.

@DoucheMcBaggus
Men have no shame, therefore, it's just another walk.

@kellyoxford
Taking notes in a small notebook when someone asked in shock “What are you doing?” 2011: When handwriting became suspicious.

@moooooog35
You know you're an asshole when you get sexted with "your dirty" and you reply, "you're."

@debontherocks
My mom is complaining no one can send me emails because I send them to "Snoops." Yes, mom, "Snoops" and I are why we can't have nice frauds.

@JohnFugelsang
One good thing about Facebook is how it will ultimately kill the entire high school reunion industry.

@AdInsanitum
Amazing that I can fit three laptops in the same space a social life used to take up!

@jennyandteets
My husband's ex girlfriend is sitting in her living room watching tv. Don't ask me how I got this information.

@BorowitzReport
If cavemen had Twitter we would still not have fire.

More Old Stuff

I found this picture among my Dad's things after he died. I'd never seen it before and instantly fell in love with it. The glasses! The dresses! I picture them sitting on that custom made couch or in those theatre seats in my last post. The bride's name was Betty but I have no idea what the names of the bridesmaids were. Are they all still alive? Did they have happy lives?

The Couch I Wish I Owned

This is a custom made reproduction 1950's era couch. It's sitting in the lounging area of the Nordstrom's women's department at the Glendale Galleria. If I could have stuffed it into my purse I would've made off with it. Because I believe in stealing beauty. Which is why I have Angelina Jolie locked in my bathroom.

I like old stuff. It reminds me of people I've never met and a time I've never known and how interesting it all must have been.

These original theater seats, for example. I bought them at the Pasadena Flea Market in 2002 for $300. Underneath one of them is a wire rack that was made expressly for gentlemen to stow their brimmed hats when they went to the movies. So they wouldn't block the view of the people sitting in back of them. Because apparently people were more polite back then. And probably didn't annoy others by talking on their cell phones even though they didn't exist. The cell phones, not the people.

I spent years searching for a 1950's era TV. There was a thrift shop in LA that sold them but every time I went in to ask for one, the man who owned the place laughed and said they spent about 6 seconds in the shop before they were sold. He put me on a waiting list. 16 years ago. He still hasn't called me.

My dad lived in St. Petersburg, Florida and died in 2001. I spent a lot of time there trying to get his estate in order (it eventually took me 3 years) (fuck). On one trip I found this beauty for $75.00. I was shocked because the price for a 1950's era TV starts at $500. Starts.

By the time I got back to the shop with my Dad's car, the owner had returned and was FURIOUS that his sales guy, a kid about 19 years old, had let the TV go for so little. I played dumb when the owner asked me if I was aware of how much these televisions normally went for. Fortunately for me I'm very good at playing dumb. I'm not only blonde but I have a Bachelor's Degree in Theater. This might have been the only time it came in handy. Sorry Mom and Dad.

I can't tell you how many times I patted myself on the back for scoring a $500 TV for $75.

I'd get up in the morning, look in the mirror and say, "Good morning, genius." And also, "Good morning Angelina, breakfast will be right out."

To crate and ship the TV across country cost me $500.

L.A Sign Of The Times #94

Mom and our Greek waiter at our favorite Greek restaurant in Los Angeles, Ulysses Voyage.

Farmer's Market, Los Angeles November 27, 2011

And The Bound And Gagged Winner Is...

...Two Normal Moms!!



Please send me your snail mail so Nancy can sign and get the book out to you today!!

Congratulations and to everyone else, remember the book is available on Amazon.

College Bound And Gagged

My dear friend, Nancy Berk, a PhD and comedian, wrote this very funny book to help all you people who, instead of actively looking for colleges for your kids, are sitting in a corner sucking on your gin-soaked thumbs. Bravo. Your daughter is going to Mom's Couch College and your son will be accepted at Living In My Parent's Garage University.

I'm hosting a giveaway of this must-have book for parents of aging teenagers.

Sidebar: I would give away my jewelry collection to be called an aging teenager JUST ONE MORE TIME. Thanks, God.

So leave me a comment and you'll be eligible to receive this book for FREE. If you're not a winner, you can go to the link above and buy it off Amazon. But Free is better. At least that's what people tell me.

One of the best tips in the book is "Your child is going to college, not you, so don't make choices for them that are secretly your own."

Nancy also includes money saving tips and great chapter titles like You're Grounded. One of my favorite quotes from the book:

I've never understood why the cotton gin always gets tagged "best invention" and the dining room table is never nominated.

Anyone can leave a comment, tell all your friends!! and I'll pick a winner by Monday December 12th. Nancy will send out your book and it will arrive in time for Christmas!!