Yes, I Was On Card Sharks

I wore a green dress. I found a picture of it and spent the better part of an afternoon wondering why I was buying black and white film back then when if I'd bought color I could wait until 2011 and photoshop it to black and white.

That's my then best friend Matt sitting next to me and my mother is next to him. Notice how I was a big fan of tanning. And peroxide.

I had no idea how to play Card Sharks. A friend of mine had gone on the show and won a pickup truck and that was all the incentive I needed. It didn't occur to me that it's hard to pay rent with a pick-up truck. Although it's great to haul around the groceries you can't afford to buy.

During commercial breaks someone would come up to me and say, "Could you smile more? Or even just ONCE?" I'm not a smiler. Because of this I have none of those laugh lines around my eyes that make women look 105 years old and make men look distinguished.

Five minutes into the game I lost track of what I was doing and started playing to the audience. I was an entertainer, getting an audience to respond to me was what I did. So when I got this question: "If there was a choice between being a hooker or being a maid, what do you think the majority of women responded?"

I calmly replied, "Hooker." (big gasp from the audience) (seriously, huge gasp) (idiots)

I was asked why I guessed that and I said, almost disdainfully: "A maid is on her feet all day. A hooker is just on her back."

Yeah, I lost that one.

The guy I was playing against was really good. Apparently he actually knew how to play the game. It was a flashback to taking my 11th grade History final, when everyone is writing furiously and I'm bowing my head in prayer. And sobbing.

But unlike the history test, there's no one to copy off.

During a commercial break I turned to him and said, "You HAVE to stop winning. I have no money and I'm in a rental car and staying at my sister's and I have to move here because my agent told me to."

"Well, I'm in med school and have $200,000 worth of loans to pay off."

GAME SET MATCH.