Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Baby You Can Drive My Car

No one walks in Los Angeles. You drive 45 minutes, buy a carton of milk, drive 45 minutes back. If I drive anywhere for 45 minutes, I feel like I should spend the weekend.

That's what I liked about New York. You didn't need a car because everything was a block away. The store was a block away, the bank was a block away, my apartment was a block away from where I lived.

My first car, a Ford Festiva. Née October 1990-Died April 2000


I spend so much time on freeways. A week ago I took the 101 to the 110 to the 405 to the 134 back to the 101. I never did get back home. I don't know why they even erect houses on streets out here. They should just build them along the freeways.

And it takes forever to get to a good car crash. Two hours to go one and a half miles. And when you get there, what do you see? Nothing. If it takes me two hours to go one and a half miles, I want to see a head suspended in mid‑air. Show me a pancreas flopping on the pavement.

I'm one of those women who will drive weeks with my car making a pinging sound. I'll even offer to drive people places just so I can ask them what they think the pinging sound is.

This is a bad plan because I've come close to believing:

1. It was the engine grinding up kittens
2. It's the noise you hear right before a plane crashes
3. I should look into purchasing a bicycle

When you take your car to a mechanic they ask you to describe the noise. I always sound like a beatboxer saying aho ho ho, ssst ho sssta ringa, dinging, ring. Then I have to say, "My car has ho-hos and ring-dings."

When my mechanic fixed the pinging sound he managed to throw out this random fact, "You need new shoe boots for your front axle." I don't know why he thought I was gullible enough to believe that a front axle could wear shoes and boots at the same time.

Men.

Regulating the car heater is a task best left to NASA. Why do they only have two temperature settings, flame broiled and microwave? You're either hot or you've exploded. I can never get it right. I turn it on and five minutes later I think, "Gee, I must be in the wrong lane because we're orbiting the sun now."

Don't ever make the mistake of going food shopping and then put all your groceries on the floor if you have the heat coming out of the floor vents. By the time I got home I had cooked an entire roast beef medium‑rare. Twenty more minutes and the baked potatoes would have been done. If you're on a long distance trip you could use the car as a crock pot.

And some cars have the dome light on the ceiling in back of you. Who designed this, Cirque de Soleil? And that blinding light, what's in there, a 9 watt bulb? Why doesn't the car just come equipped with candles?

Before I traded in my Festiva I was at Nordstrom's and a woman sold me a cream that was supposed to reduce the visible signs of aging. It didn't do a thing for my face but the car looked brand new.

End of chat.

20 comments:

  1. -->Classic SS post. Love it!

    I drove a 1982 BMW as my first car for eight years. It was already eight years old when I got it and when we sold it to some Mexican family heading South, I warned them that one of the two windows didn't go down and the A/C never worked. Then I heard the word gringo and assume they meant the color of the car.

    ~deb
    www.websavvymom.com

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  2. I have to second Web Savvy mom on the classic SS post comment.

    And you KNOW exactly how I feel about L.A. traffic.

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  3. Now THAT was funny. Good stuff, Suzy!!

    Pearl

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  4. I agree with Pearl, however I never would have thought a Ford ... uhmm What..Festiva...

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  5. Awesome.

    Maybe you could just move into your car. No crappy neighbors and you're ready at a moment's notice. Plus, when you're tired and you want to go home - BAM! You're already there.

    Wow, it's like I'm Dear Abby, except you didn't actually ask for any advice and the advice I gave you is probably past its sell-by date.

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  6. You need to move to the Northeast. You'll fit right in here.

    The only place someone could have one of their family members dead in a car crash and they are inconsolable on the side of the road and people are screaming "THANKS FOR MAKING ME LATE FOR MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT, YOU BITCH."

    God I love it here.

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  7. The meal cooking paragraph is one of my favorite you have ever written. If this was standup I'd be blasting my bloody mary right out my nose. HA!

    Cheers,

    Casey

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  8. That, was a sweet ride you had there Suzy!

    I can never find a happy medium with my heat and A/C. Either I'm roasting or freezing my ass off!

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  9. The bit about cooking a meal in the car was too familiar! I drove in Orlando and literally sometimes had my car smell like a damned bakery when I bought bread or cookies.

    I got rid of my ride in NYC. This makes me miss it less. "My apartment was a block away..." Ha! The whole post had me laughing.

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  10. I laughed, I cried.
    I laughed because you are funny, I cried because I am not Mr. September in your tee box.
    X David

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  11. You know what, that's a great idea... I'm always in a hurry to get dinner done on time, from now on I'll just take the long way home from the grocery store. Perfect!

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  12. that was damn good... not to mention FUNNY!

    ford: Found On Roadside, Dead...

    mine? a german beastie...

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  13. Usually I'm the only one that hears the sounds and the mechanic look at me like I'm crazy and then they see dollar signs and suddenly the sounds are loud and clear! Hate that about mechanics and cars! Need some of that cream and a skinny mirror!

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  14. roflmao, as usual, with you Suzy. Poor car.

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  15. What do you call Standup when you are really sitting down typing it? (or do you stand at your computer?)
    Thanks

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  16. I was just thinking the exact same thing as Joe.

    I wish I could see you live on stage. I really do..

    "orbiting the sun.." I think I just woke everyone up.

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  17. ones of the things i don't miss about so cal is the traffic! and you're right, when you get stuck in traffic, you expect some kind of payoff, like an arm clutching a cell phone or something.

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  18. I'm with The Empress - I'd love to see you on stage. I'd even pay. You were on fire when you wrote this post! Great stuff! And I could SO use an apartment about a block away from this house...

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  19. Oh, SuZy you are too funnY! I think I woke the fam up because I was laughing so loud. I couldn't help it. My eyes are watering now. I'm gonna have to share this post to every person I talk to(Hus)at a decent hour.
    Miss ya

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