Monday, April 23, 2007

Shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Up

I wish gossiping*** as recreational sport would just go away. I have people in my life who are incapable of keeping their mouths shut. How do I find out if they've talked about me? Because someone else has told me about it because no one can keep their mouth shut anymore. Revealing someone’s secrets is tantamount to being the General on a battlefield. It gives us a sense of power, of being In The Know. But the poor General may forget that the enemy has a General too. So, loosely translating from this rather questionable analogy, it means that while you’re spilling somebody else’s secrets, someone is likely spilling yours.

***And by gossiping I am not referring to anyone in Us Weekly Magazine. I’m reasonable, not insane.

In no particular order I also want these things to go away:

- Telephones in films ringing 26 times before the actor picks up
- Babies in films crying for 17 minutes before the actor notices
- Dogs in films barking through scenes when actors are talking
- Asking me how to get to the Hollywood Sign
- Manicurists immediately addressing each other in Vietnamese the split second I yell Ouch (she big baby)
- “Let me know if you need any help”
- “No speeka Ingleesh”
- “Tonight’s specials are”
- “I don’t eat gluten”
- “I’m a fruitarian”
- “I’m wheat intolerant”
- “I’m just big-boned” (unless you’re a man saying it and then I will pay attention)
- “Can you help me move?”
- “Can you drive me to the airport?”
- The Fitness Made Simple song. I can’t get it out of my FUCKING head once I hear it
- Entertainment Tonight and Extra saying You Heard It Here First. No we didn’t because Perez Hilton had it 48 hours before you did so please get over yourselves
- Fitness made simple, made for real people...
- Fuck
- End of chat


  1. that's why I'm very selective as to how I dish out my secrets- I have segregated groups of friends one group 'knows' about the other however they don't know each other- so it makes it easier to dish it out. And whatever I really can't tell I just blog about- no one knows about this secret little life of mine- bwa ha ha. I know, I'm lame!

  2. I have trouble trusting people anyway. If I get a bad feeling about someone, my instincts are usually right, and I wont share any secrets of mine with them. If someone tells me a secret, I usually will warn them that I have a problem not sharing everything with my husband. My own disclaimer. Probably because he is the only adult I talk to on a daily basis. I assume no less of any married friends. Of course there are things a husband doesn't need to know too.
    The other things bug me too, except I don't know the song. Lucky me.

  3. Are you trying to tell me that John Basedow and his 6 pack abs and very strange hairpiece doesnt exist in your world? Lucky bastards.

  4. Ha! I love your list of things you want to go away. I'd add this to my movie gripes: In the middle of a warzone, you are not allowed to have a long, emotional scene when the bullets wait to whiz past until the scene ends. One of the worst recent offenders: Blood Diamond.

  5. Try living in a town the size of Boulder, where if you say something about another person, there's a good chance they are sitting behind you (or someone they've slept with is). That teaches you not to gossip (in public, at least).

  6. I've never taken much stock in the things that people say behind my back. It's usualy just blowing off steam. I tell people, "if you have a problem with me, tell me, or nothing will ever get done about it".

  7. Aw, why pick on those of us who are wheat intolerant (can't have gluten)?? It's Celiac Disease. We wish it would go away, too!

    Actually, I suspect that you wish people who have that affliction (and others) didn't insist on making it the focus of their interactions. I couldn't agree more with that! I bring it up only when absolutely necessary -- after which time I promptly shut up about it.