Hello Buuuuddddddddddd

I bought the new Razr cell phone including the ear bud and car charger, the holy trinity package of communication, all in metallic pink because I guess I think I’m Paris Hilton. Every two years I head to Verizon to update my phone. I’ve had two Motorola’s and one LG and one I can’t remember because it was the first one I bought and that was in 1997, when I was still having regular sex and drinking. Now I’m doing neither. Great.

I was so out of the whole cell phone culture loop that I didn’t even upgrade the first one so I had it for almost four years before the laughter and derision got to this Luddite and I went in for an upgrade. Seriously, only my couch was larger than that phone.

I was one of those people who didn’t think I needed a cell phone. Honestly, how important was it to field calls at the supermarket from men you refuse to sleep with?

But that all changed in 1997. I had taken the 101 N to go meet The Impotentate for dinner in the San Fernando Valley. The Valley is over the hills, on the other side of Los Angeles, home of the Valley Girl. My car started making a clicking sound and I pulled over to the side of the road next to one of the 16,000 yellow call boxes located on California freeways. I opened the little door of the box and picked up the phone.

“Highway Patrol, may I help you?” (Actually, I have no idea what she said. I remember it was a woman but for all I know she said, “Stop playing with the roadside phones you dick.”)
“I need a tow truck.”
“Okay.”
“But I don’t really know where I am.”
“We do, this phone box is your location. Who do you want us to call?” I SO wanted to say Can You Prank Call George Bush? but I replied AAA. You can’t live in LA and not have it; if you don’t have AAA, it’s like you’re asking to break down and get killed by the Nightstalker. (If he's not dead or not in prison, don't tell me)

The next day I bought a cell phone.

So here it is 2007 and I opted for the newest technology because the pressure to keep up in LA is as great as it was in NY. It’s why I love big cities and ultimately why everyone else hates them.

I got the Bluetooth with the ear bud because in some part of my brain I thought, how hard could it be to work this thing? I bought the metallic pink one and was all pleased with myself until I saw a picture of Sharon Stone and her gold Razr and called McLoserstene.

“There’s a GOLD Razr?”
“Yeah, Dolce and Gabbana makes it.”
“You knew about this and you let me buy the stupid fucking ugly ass pink metallic one?”
“Yes Paris, I forced you to buy the pink one while I was sitting in my apartment watching TV not knowing you'd even gone to Verizon." She can be so mean sometimes.

Okay, so the gold D&G cost $400. The metallic pink one is actually kind of nice, you know?

The ear bud requires two actions. After you sync it up to your cell you strap the little bugger over your ear and all you have to do is Tap and Press. I can tap. I can press. Done.

Reading from the instructions:

Reject a call: Press and hold the Call Button until you hear a beep.

Redial last call: Press and hold the Call Button until you hear a beep.

Answering a second incoming call: Press and hold the Call Button until you hear a beep.

Put an active call on hold or resume a call on hold: Press and hold the Call Button until you hear a beep.

I now look back at that picture of Sharon Stone and notice she isn't using an ear bud. I understand.

End of ....hello? Hello? Are you there?