Monday, October 09, 2006

Little Mary Sunshine

At the beginning of every October I keep all the lights on in my place starting at 4:00 p.m. because otherwise I get cranky. This lasts for about six weeks or until I get used to the darkness. I don’t think anyone should get used to the darkness but that’s another topic altogether. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, SAD, which is a malady that didn’t exist before 1984, which is probably when doctors discovered they could charge it off to insurance.

Currently, these things get on my last October nerve:

1. Straight men who wear matching earrings in both ears. You look like a girl. Seriously, quit it.
2. People who never use Spell Check. If Microsoft, Macintosh and your IP assume you can’t spell, why don’t you?
3. Baby Daddy. Enough already.
4. Pimping your ride, your crib and your mama. Just stick to the hos, okay?
5. Overalls on grown women. Are you kidding me?
6. Emoticons. Just a way of lying and masking it with a little yellow frown. You can’t meet me for dinner? I promise you that will not make you sad. Unless you have SAD.
7. Women who have tubular boobs. Donna Karan at the VMA’s, it’s called a breast lift Donna, look into it.
8. Tattoos. Send me a picture of yourself when you’re 76, I’m going to need a good laugh.
9. Hair extensions. Unless you’re Cher, which you’re not. And that means you Nancy O’Dell.
10. Rachael Ray. Shut the fuck up and stir.
11. Sunglasses on musicians. If Andrea Bocelli doesn’t wear them, neither should you.
12. Rubber flip flops, unless you’re 8 years old.
13. UGGS. The name says it all.
14. End of chat.


  1. You stole some of my peeves from a post I've half-written and haven't posted (2, 6 and I think 7). And I agree whole-heartedly with 1, 3, 4 and 11. I'm leaning your way on 5. Sometimes they do look cute but usually it's on the people who look cute in anything. Didn't see Donatella at the VMA's. By "tubular" do you mean the saggy look? Even if someone doesn't want surgery, there's such a thing as an underwire. Bra-less dresses aren't for everybody. As for 8, the vote's still out. At least tattoos will make conversation starters for 70-year-olds and they're much better than, "How's that hip holding up?" I disagree on 9. I'd take extensions over Teri Hatcher's straggly 'do anyday. Never seen 10- I'll take your word on that. I live in sarongs and flip-flops in the summer so I disagree on 12. I tried the fancier sandals but they're just not as comfortable. I do have them in about 10 colors so do I get extra points for matching them to my outfit (or do I lose more points)? I think UGGS are cute and apparently very comfortable. I bought a pair a few years ago and they made my feet sweat so bad within just a few minutes I had to take them back. I disagree on 14- surely you've got more than that?

  2. It was Donna Karan, not Donatella. Just imagine 2 tube socks hanging off your chest, and that's a tubular boob. There are flip flops and then there are flip flops. I'm only against the rubber ones. And do I have more than what I listed? Honey, I've always got more.....

  3. I'm SO glad to hear that someone in LA hates Uggs. It always made me laugh to see people stomping up Montana in 80 degree sunshine wearing them under their flouncy white cotton peasant skirts.

    And I'm all over number 6. Make them go away!

  4. Oh fuck I hate emoticons :) LOL ROFL! JK! LMAO!!!! I just give them this (()) and they shut up. It looks funnier on my IM.

    P.S. Isn't blogging fun?

  5. Just ran across your blog and love it.

    Even better than the tattoo phase -is the giant portraits of their loved ones everyone seems to have. Doesn't anyone carry a wallet anymore?

    What good is it to have your child's image on your forearm? Isn't that going to be creepy when you rub one off?

  6. Anonymous11:47 AM

    Love Uggs - it's -40 where I am, and there is only l store that carries Uggs.
    I had mine imported from Oz- then had my Australian
    friend come over, and she filled her suitcase with Uggs for 8 people. The guys still won't wear them.
    The women want more, more, more. They work in -40.
    I don't.