Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Vive La France, But Not In August


My mother is arriving from Paris in a few weeks and I’ll have to face the same questions Americans ask me when they find out I have a French mother. So here’s my list of answers:

1. I’m half French and half American but when I go to France I just treat myself like shit.
2. The French do not hate Americans, they hate everyone.
3. My mother does shave her armpits, sometimes twice a day.
4. She also bathes, sometimes twice a year.
5. Juicy Couture is not real couture. Only the French government can hand out that title.
6. The French think fast food is a one hour lunch.
7. They take a month’s vacation and if you didn’t know that before you booked your trip for August, the vacation month of France for the last zillion years, then stop using Travelocity.
8. The French gave us The Statue of Liberty, which is 151 feet tall. The Americans gave the French a replica of the Statue, which is 35 feet tall.
9. The French are more generous than the Americans.
10. The structural engineer of the Statue of Liberty was Gustav Eiffel.
11. When it was being built, the French hated the Eiffel Tower.
12. The French don’t speak English when Americans address them in English because they find it rude that Americans assume their language is more universal than the French language.
13. English is the Universal language of the world.
14. If you’re from a red state and still referring to French Fries as Freedom Fries then you need to book a ticket on Travelocity and go home, now.
15. The accent never goes away, no matter how much your children wish it would have when we were teenagers.
16. The word Boutique is not pronounced Boteek.
17. “Pardon My French” is an expression the British invented because they thought the French were vulgar and sex-obsessed. I can only vouch for sex-obsessed.
18. During certain wars when the French were accused of not letting planes fly over or under or around or beside their country, it’s because they hate everyone.
19. Or it was during the month of August and no one was around to give their permission.
20. End of Chat

7 comments:

  1. Ok Suzy, here's the thing. You're gorgeous, you live in L.A., you're a comedienne (please note French spelling for your consideration) and your mother lives in Paris. All of this is too cool for me and I'm breaking up with you. But before we split, how am I supposed to pronounce boutique?

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  2. It's pronounced booteek. I know it sounds insane that I care but I've spent a lifetime hearing it mispronounced and it makes my hair crawl. I was forced to speak French at home and all my parents produced was a judgemental French Freak.

    Don't break up with me, I'm a really good cook. xxoo

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  3. I have never once heard someone pronounce it bo-tique. Maybe they were thinking of Bo Peep? So all of this begs the question, "does your mom hate Americans?"

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  4. Ma chere craneuse,

    Vous me faites le rire bébête.

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  5. Wait, it's not boo-tik-yew?

    Hearing Bill O'Reilly defend the whole "freedom fries" thing made me want to flee to France.

    The French have good food. I especially like their toast.

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  6. Okay Chandler, if you're going to speak French to me, you'll need to spell check. And grammar check.

    And your picture, in it's smaller version, looks like a vagina opening or the inside of an octopus. Same thing.

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  7. thanks for the boo-teek lowdown. since i live in an area where we are lucky to have a Gap and the radio plays r.e.o. speedwagon, i get far, far too few opportunities to use it in a sentence. i never did pronounce it bo-teek though. i'm saving up all my bo's for -tox.

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