I don't like trendy things. When everyone lost their virginity at an early age? I didn't. When everyone started getting tattoos, I didn't. When everyone started wearing black fingernail polish, I didn't.
So I certainly can't get behind any of these things:
Like Ed O'Neil could get a Sofia Vergara in any lifetime.
If I wanted hot liquid with no porkchops in it I'd stand under the shower and open my mouth.
Enough already with the Pirates movies. And stop pushing your hair out of your eyes every 20 seconds. That's from the Jennifer Aniston School of Acting. That's not a compliment.
PLATES ON A WALL
For the love of God, Grandma, go to Ikea and buy a 20 dollar print.
Besides being unable to navigate the store in less than 3 months, if you look at their furniture under a microscope you see little Swedish people pointing and laughing at you because you can't afford expensive stuff.
People have suggested I came too late to the Simpsons party and that it was better in the beginning. The beginning of what? The end of time?
If you missed the live broadcast of Minutes of Mayhem from the U.K. on Friday October 21, then you missed my interview. So here it is, I come in at the final half hour because you always save the best for last. Or because that's all the time you have left.
I met Neal on Twitter, when he made a particularly brilliant joke on the day Steve Jobs died. "More Jobs lost on Obama's watch" was the tweet and some of his fans thought it was "too soon." If you're a comedian or a joke writer on in any aspect of the comedy business, you know there's no such thing as too soon in comedy. Funny is funny.
So I tweeted him that I thought it was hilarious and we began a conversation that culminated on me being on his show, where we discussed Astroglide, the Rapture and Michael Richards being a dick. From the moment we first spoke on DM's to the show? Two weeks.
Los Angeles has a metric ton of these apartment buildings. I can't even guess as to what year this is from; I think the built-in airconditioners might be a clue. This one could sit on a suburban street where Mad Men stenographers live. Instead, it's up the street from me.
To see the rest of this series of Los Angeles photos, click on the link below. They're not all normal but I guess I probably didn't have to mention that.
That's part of a doctor's oath, to First, do no harm. I only wish lawyers, teachers, mechanics, dear God especially mechanics, Congress, wedding ceremonies and all contracts began with that simple phrase.
People might think before they act.
Which brings me to where I now live:
This picture is the western sunset captured off my balcony. In my other apartment, I had no view. One side of it looked out on the building's swimming pool and the other side overlooked a big Hollywood Hills street, Gower. Gower reaches up into the hills on its way to the Hollywood sign and winds crazily around homes and yards. But when it passed the back of my old building, it carried only cars or ambulances and during the summer, many, many tour buses. Many.
The street is so noisy that many people complained they couldn't sleep. One girl never got used to the noise and slept in her living room. She now lives elsewhere.
So now I'm in an apartment with a spectacular view. This is the southern scene from my living room window. Far in the distance I can see the red blinking lights of the LAX towers and planes coming in for a landing.
On some nights I'm lucky enough to catch the full moon.
Had my old landlords been required to put First, do no harm in their lease, I would not be in this new building. A better building, with a laundry and trash chute on each floor, an elevator and security underground parking. I would not have a built-in air conditioner or all new appliances. When I stand by my refrigerator I look down on a rooftop swallowed by pink Bougainvillea and cypress trees crawling with purple Morning Glory.
And the best part of this entire story? MY OLD LANDLORDS HAVE 3 VACANCIES IN MY OLD BUILDING AND CAN'T RENT THEM. Having not noticed that every Hollywood neighborhood was littered with For Rent signs, they jacked the rents of their pitiful one bedrooms to over $1300. One has been vacant since June 1, mine has been vacant since July 1 and another since September 1.
It's called Karma.
When your intention in life is to purposefully harm another, karma will visit you.
If one more person tries to high-five me I willraise my hand but then I'll punch them. Even though the fist bump has threatened the high-five's world domination, it stubbornly persists in distracting sporting events, interrupting conversations, and making sex longer than it needs to be. "Yeah yeah that was good for you now can we get back to me already?"
There are many things that went on too long:
The Beanie Baby - BUT IT ENDED.
Jon Gosselin's career - BUT IT ENDED.
The Presidency of George W. Bush - BUT IT ENDED.
Andy Rooney - BUT IT ENDED.
Harry Potter Books - BUT IT ENDED.
Saturday Night Live - IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED.
Ke$ha - LORD LET IT END SOON.
Rap music - HOW HAS IT NOT ENDED?
Jerry Springer - GIVE ME A SHOTGUN AND I'LL END IT FOR HIM.
I'm a standup comic. My first book, Celebrity sTalker, is now available on Amazon. I've entertained the troops for the USO and performed in 8 countries and 24 states. I'm also the co-creator of Single, Married & Divorced. You might have seen me on Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm.