Thursday, May 05, 2011

Sometimes They Give Me The Opposite Of Money

I love Atlantic City. It's cheesy and ridiculous but Salt Water Taffy! The Boardwalk! Washed Up Singers From The 60's! I played the Tropicana a few times and Resorts International once.

At Resorts I was hired to perform at a women's conference honoring their executives and high achievers. After the show I was invited to a meet and greet with all their members. Meet and greets can be tedious or they can be tedious. Usually they're just tedious.

I had to answer the same 3 questions I have to answer at the end of every show at every club across America:

1. Do you write your own material?
2. How come you've never been on the Tonight Show?
3. Have you heard the joke about the_________?

1. Yes
2. I have no idea
3. I've heard every joke ever written in the history of the world BUT BY ALL MEANS TELL IT TO ME ANYWAY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD MY EARS BLEED IN A VERY LONG TIME.

At the end of the meet and greet the President of the Conference presented me with 3 gift bags. THREE. Who's your Daddy now? 

I got back to my hotel room and ripped open the bags to find three of these:

I looked closely at one of them and realized it was a massager. I thought back on what could possibly have made these women think I needed one.

Was it this joke?

"My boyfriend was so immature he put Polygrip in my diaphragm. I walked around for days sounding like a plunger."

Or maybe this one?

"My boyfriend is a Type A, he gets up at 6 a.m. every day. I'm a Type Z, I get up every other day."


What they could not possibly have known is that I already had TWO "massagers." Because you know, I felt sorry for myself.

The day I left I decided against tipping the maids because who needs cash, I mean really, who? Especially when you can get a super cool massager to replace your boyfriend. I carefully laid them on the bed. I wrote the maids a note on hotel stationery. "Thanks for all your hard work!"

I took the bus home to Manhattan feeling very clever and very generous.

Two months later I was getting ready to go out and decided to put on my 9 carat yellow Topaz. It was given to me by an ex-boyfriend who was a "gem dealer in South America." Or as he's referred to in Cell Block D, The Coke Dealer.

The ring was gone. I tore my apartment and all luggage apart. No 9 carat Topaz. When had I seen it last? When had I worn it last?


I had stuffed it into a pair of shorts and hidden it way back in the drawer. The maids had found it. Hard work indeed.

Next time I'm leaving cash.

This post sponsored by

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store


  1. Thank goodness you clarified that was a massager because I was seriously afraid it was a giant Zen butt plug or something and was scrambling to scratch " meet and great in Atlantic City " off my bucket list. Sorry to hear about the ring. That blows, now they have your jewels and a big freaking smile. Dirty wenches.

  2. So basically they gave you 3 rocks. Awesome!

  3. Every time I've ever thought the maids took anything, I found it tucked somewhere later. But maybe that's because I tip the first day!

  4. -->As seniors in college and on spring break in Key West, we parted with some of our precious drinking money for the maid and a spare deodarant on day one because the clean room smelled so bad. It worked too.
    When I travel to the Caribbean, I take boxes of crayons and leave them every night with a few dollars. I think the crayons are appreciated more. Our most recent trip to Dominican Republic had our in room bar STOCKED more than any other guest I met.

  5. Traveling has so many rules, and you never know what the consequences are for breaking them until you get home. You'd prolly have been better off to sell the massagers on eBay (big profit is in the postage and handling) and use the cash proceeds to tip the next batch of thieves.


    I had NO idea this was going to be a post for Eden.

    No idea.

    Absolutely perfect.

  7. wags say: man's best friend is a dog

    i shudder to ask what woman's is!

  8. Laughing wolf: An AC adapter. And an accessible wall outlet.

    (never mind)

    Man, all I ever walked away from a conference with is a bag of bad pens, five-sheet-each notepads, and a conference-themed lanyard, occasionally ornamented with an awkwardly-sized laminated photo of myself looking like I'd just been harried by aggressive spider monkeys.

  9. Oh I love you. Also, your ex boyfriends are all so interesting.